By: Ben Wietmarschen
Follow Our “Couch To 5k To Beautiful-Wedding-That-Will-Make-Everyone-Jealous” Training Plan
Are you ready for a training program that will change your life? The “Couch to 5k to Beautiful-Wedding-That-Will-Make-Everyone-Jealous” (C25K2BWTWMEJ) training plan is the groundbreaking new fitness/lifestyle program designed to take anyone from living as a couch potato to finishing a 5k race to marrying a hot person at a wedding ceremony that will be so cool and pretty that everyone will be jealous and wish they were you!
After developing the C25K2BWTWMEJ training plan, I personally went from being a filthy slob who smoked cigarettes indoors and had to date this gal Rebecca ‘ who works at the AutoZone ‘ to showing my gorgeous wedding photos to everyone at my 20th high school reunion last week, including AutoZone Rebecca who was actually a childhood friend. The program was a lot of work but you should have seen their faces when they saw the picture of me and my new wife laughing and looking dreamily into each other ‘s eyes with sparkly white Christmas lights outlining our silhouettes.
The C25K2BWTWMEJ system is designed to take a minimal amount of time out of your already busy week to both get fit enough to run a 5k and also devise a scheme to meet a beautiful mate and plan a sick picturesque wedding in the Bahamas or an old broken down church or whatever.
Don ‘t believe me? Here are a few testimonials:
“I did the C25K2BWTWMEJ program as a New Year ‘s resolution. At first I was like, what is this? But then, I married some woman under a willow tree. I don ‘t know where that woman went but I have a hard drive worth of photos I ‘ll eventually use as my profile pictures on Facebook, Tumblr, etc.”
‘ Daniel, 36
“I thought I ‘d have to date my schlubby high school sweetheart for the rest of my life but I got off my butt and did the C25K2BWTWMEJ and now I have a finisher ‘s medal and a bunch of black-and-white Polaroids of me marrying a handsome man on the roof of a tall building in Manhattan! They ‘re all sitting on my mantle.”
‘ Genese, 41
“When I come home to my house at night, I don ‘t need to talk to my new husband because he hates me but I still have the pictures to prove we got married and we look happy in those. The 5k made my quads and back sore, but I did it!”
‘ Tricia, 34
Below is the C25K2BWTWMEJ system. As always, please consult your physician before starting any new fitness program. And start distancing yourself from your friends and family now, because the jealousy will drive a wedge between you and them. The wedge feels great because they wish they were you, but it is a wedge nonetheless.
| Week | Workout 1 | Workout 2 | Workout 3 |
|---|---|---|---|
| Week 1 | Workout 1 Brisk 5 minute warm-up walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes. |
Workout 2 Take a shower and comb your hair FOR ONCE. |
Workout 3 Easy 20 minute jog through a park on the lookout for anyone, regardless of attraction level, who looks alone and desperate. Ask hw they are doing. Get phone numbers. |
| Week 2 | Workout 1 Brisk 5 minute warm-up walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and 2 minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes. |
Workout 2 Look in the mirror. Get used to what you see. Identify the flaws, the wrinkles, the loose jowels, yellowing eyes and fingernails from all the tobacco. Really take in your naked body and see it through a potential mate’s eyes. Would you want to marry you? I didn’t think so. Lay in bed and reflect. Cry if it feels good. This is all normal and part of the plan. |
Workout 3 Listen to a police scanner, locate a fire, drive there, sneak into the building, take off your shirt and sprint out as fast as you can 5 seperate times. Run into as many people as possible, hysterical and screaming for help. Aim mainly for more attractive individuals.Get phone numbers. |
| Week 3 | Workout 1 Brisk 5 minute warm up walk. Then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards, |
Workout 2 Go to the store and buy new pants or a skirt that actually fits. |
Workout 3 Easy 20 minute jog and wear extra short shorts to see if anyone notices. Get phone numbers of anyone who does. |
| Week 4 | Workout 1 Brisk 5 minute warm up walk. Then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 400 yards, |
Workout 2 Get high paying job. Real estate or banking are usually pretty lucrative. Ask your dad what he thinks. |
Workout 3 Easy 25 minute jog past the hospital. Catch the eye of someone in the emergency surgery ward. Preferably someone alone. If they don’t have anyone with them while they’re having emergency surgery then they are probably willing to take a chance on you. Get phone numbers. |
| Week 5 | Workout 1 Brisk 5 minute warmup walk then jog 3 miles. |
Workout 2 Dye your hair blonde. If you’re already blonde, go blonder. |
Workout 3 Go on a date with everyone you got a phone number from and the first time you genuinely make him/her laugh. Say “This is crazy, and like totally random but, we should get married.” with a fiendish lil grin on your otherwise innocent face. Do this every day until someone says yes. Once someone does, tell them to wait for a phone call in three weeks, for that is when you will be wed. |
| Week 6 | Workout 1 Stop running, there’s no time. You got a wedding to plan! First things first: buy a bunch of white Christmas lights! |
Workout 2 Choose a venue. Google “picturesque beach” or “baller clearing in the woods” or “cool ass barn.” Rent the most expensive one you can. |
Workout 3 Audition photographers. Test them by having them take a picture of you during an acne breakout to make sure they can knock out zits in photoshop. |
| Week 7 | Workout 1 Audition cool looking old people to be the officiant at yyour wedding. Since they will be the one in the background, you want them to look cool but not more attractive than you or your mate. Old man with gray ponytail is preferable. |
Workout 2 String up first round of white Christmas lights at venue. You will be layering white Christmas lights constantly from now until wedding day. |
Workout 3 Rent tux, shave back of neck (male) knuckle hair (female), and do pushups. |
| Week 8 | Workout 1 Oh crap, forgot to put the 5k part in here. Google, “Local 5k race” and just sign up for one and run it. Finishing a 5k isn’t really that hard, pretty much anyone can do it as long as your legs work. Anyway, try not to tire yourself out too much because you have white Christmas lights to string up! |
Workout 2 White Christmas lights day! Put them everywhere! |
Workout 3 Your wedding day! Everything is set up perfectly to take pictures that you will be proud of for the rest of your life. The fitness, the preperation, the kooky schemes to meet people and trick them into marrying you, it all leads up to this. You put in the work. Good luck, you got this! |
You ‘ve done it! Show us your before and after pics in the comments.
