By: Jeb Bush

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Jeb Bush: What I Would Have Said If They Didn’t Clap

by Jeb Bush

We need to get back in the business of creating a more peaceful world. Thank you.

Please clap.


It ‘s been a long afternoon of giving speeches. And I have more to deliver before the day is over. A brief round of applause would really give me that little boost I need to make it through.

Not asking for a standing ‘o” or anything. A short clap. One or two pumps. Just out of courtesy. You can even roll your eyes a little bit when you do it. I ‘m a big boy.

OK fine. Let ‘s just stare at each other for a while. In silence. See how you like it.

God this is the worst. Isn ‘t it? So incredibly awkward. And, guess what, all this can go away if you simply stick your hands together and make a smacking sound. Slap those palms on top of each other just once. One single clap. Please, folks.

Too much to ask, huh?

How about a golf clap? Those are silly and fun. A snap? One friggin ‘ snap? Not one of you in the audience wants to show off his snapping skills? Even you sir? I find that hard to believe.

You know what, I ‘ll take a boo. Lay em on me. Boo loud and proud. Because you hate the Jeb man. You think I stink and I eat turds for breakfast. Fair enough. Let me hear it. Scream at me. Tell me my campaign was an embarrassment and that I ‘m an embarrassment as a human being. That this was my election to lose and I let it slip away because I have the charisma of a mannequin. DO IT. What are you waiting for?!

I can ‘t. I can ‘t take it. Please. Some verbal response. A sneeze. A cough. A burp. A fart. A fart ‘s not even verbal, but I ‘ll take it. Come on. You can laugh. Fart is a funny word. That ‘s something we can all agree on. Fart! Wet farts! Seriously? Why the hell are you all looking at me like I just french kissed an ostrich? Because I ‘ll do that if that what it takes to break this silence. I can make some calls unless someone in the audience knows an ostrich guy.

No one?

What the fuck is the point? We ‘re all gonna die. That ‘s right, you pieces of shit. You ‘re all gonna die alone. So keep that nugget in mind next time you chant, ‘Make America Great Again.”

(room erupts into applause)

God Damnit.

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