By: Jason Flowers
27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #20
There are plenty of great reasons to read this week ‘s tweets, we just can ‘t think of any right now.
Reasons why you should date me:
‘ Evan (@evofck) January 24, 2016
[accepting a suitcase filled with my bribe] You're sure there's 2000 pistachios in here? I don't have to count them?
‘ Bad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) February 4, 2016
Adam Duritz looks like he dressed up as Adam Duritz for Halloween. pic.twitter.com/lAjFbPJMvc
‘ Bill Barnwell (@billbarnwell) February 1, 2016
Of all the things to be creeped out about with Ted Cruz, I'm finding the 2 watches thing to be the most unsettling pic.twitter.com/boZ4ut6Mmt
‘ Kenny Keil (@kennykeil) February 1, 2016
Mike Huckabee has decided to end his presidential campaign but I think he should be forced to carry it to full term.
‘ Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) February 3, 2016
Don't forget to leave room for Jesus between the layers of your 7 layer dip.
‘ Brandon (@UNDEADTRESOR) February 4, 2016
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that's the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today's the funeral
‘ Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) February 4, 2016
when mom ruins family gambling night by pouring Pepsi instead of Coke pic.twitter.com/TTKTWbeVVh
‘ Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) February 4, 2016
How come sometimes the movies are called The Maze Runner and sometimes they're called Divergent?
‘ Soren Bowie (@Soren_Ltd) January 22, 2016
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are.
Me: It's terrible. No you don't.
‘ The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) January 16, 2015
You get a free 3-bedroom house, but this has to be up in the foyer facing the front door forever. pic.twitter.com/mdM89RA6pz
‘ Violet Femme (@marieberd) February 2, 2016
Casual Fan: I like their best album
Hardcore Fan: Actually their second-worst album is their best
‘ Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) November 9, 2015
Straight Outta Compton. pic.twitter.com/mQjAeNz9LZ
‘ Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) January 31, 2016
that new Adele song came on in the Arbys bathroom and now I'm crying. Haha just kidding. The song never came on
‘ goth turtle (@dubstep4dads) November 13, 2015
be the boys you wish to see back in town
‘ guy fieri in your mentions (@runolgarun) February 4, 2016
(watching my dog pee at a fire hydrant)
Wow, clich ‘ much?
‘ Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) February 2, 2016
If dogs ever have to call someone they won't use the pound sign on their dog phones
‘ Captain Antagonist ? (@AnOrangeSNES) February 4, 2016
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it's now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
‘ AnOnion (@onion_an) February 4, 2016
don't talk to me or my son or my sons son or my sons sons son ever again pic.twitter.com/oeCSNMHD3z
‘ ? (@haloseok) February 5, 2016
I'm a copy editor but I think it sounds cooler to tell people I'm a corrections officer.
‘ Adam Burke (@atpburke) February 5, 2016
the opposite of egg mcmuffin is chicken mcdickout
‘ FROVO (@fro_vo) September 19, 2015
i don't care how much i have to pay the gorilla, i'm in pic.twitter.com/LEPeVfP3eh
‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) January 14, 2016
*at a high school assembly*
Hi I'm here to talk to you about bullying but first check out Jeff in the front row nice shirt Jeff you bitch
‘ Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) February 5, 2016
I'm so happy for my friends' success that I don't even consider them my “friends” until after they've achieved success!
‘ Asher Perlman (@asherperlman) February 1, 2016
[1st day as new school librarian]
STUDENT: is the great gatsby history or literature
MY BRAIN: dont say its lit dont say its lit
ME: its lit
‘ jomny sun (@jonnysun) February 1, 2016
My favorite type of comedy is WiFi networks.
‘ Max Silvestri (@maxsilvestri) February 3, 2016
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it and I deserve better.
‘ Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) January 14, 2016