27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #20

Reasons why you should date me:
1)
2)
3)
4)
5) Please.

‘ Evan (@evofck) January 24, 2016

[accepting a suitcase filled with my bribe] You're sure there's 2000 pistachios in here? I don't have to count them?

‘ Bad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) February 4, 2016

Adam Duritz looks like he dressed up as Adam Duritz for Halloween. pic.twitter.com/lAjFbPJMvc

‘ Bill Barnwell (@billbarnwell) February 1, 2016

Of all the things to be creeped out about with Ted Cruz, I'm finding the 2 watches thing to be the most unsettling pic.twitter.com/boZ4ut6Mmt

‘ Kenny Keil (@kennykeil) February 1, 2016

Mike Huckabee has decided to end his presidential campaign but I think he should be forced to carry it to full term.

‘ Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) February 3, 2016

Don't forget to leave room for Jesus between the layers of your 7 layer dip.

‘ Brandon (@UNDEADTRESOR) February 4, 2016

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that's the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today's the funeral

‘ Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) February 4, 2016

when mom ruins family gambling night by pouring Pepsi instead of Coke pic.twitter.com/TTKTWbeVVh

‘ Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) February 4, 2016

How come sometimes the movies are called The Maze Runner and sometimes they're called Divergent?

‘ Soren Bowie (@Soren_Ltd) January 22, 2016

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are.
Me: It's terrible. No you don't.

‘ The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) January 16, 2015

Casual Fan: I like their best album
Hardcore Fan: Actually their second-worst album is their best

‘ Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) November 9, 2015

Straight Outta Compton. pic.twitter.com/mQjAeNz9LZ

‘ Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) January 31, 2016

that new Adele song came on in the Arbys bathroom and now I'm crying. Haha just kidding. The song never came on

‘ goth turtle (@dubstep4dads) November 13, 2015

be the boys you wish to see back in town

‘ guy fieri in your mentions (@runolgarun) February 4, 2016

(watching my dog pee at a fire hydrant)
Wow, clich ‘ much?

‘ Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) February 2, 2016

If dogs ever have to call someone they won't use the pound sign on their dog phones

‘ Captain Antagonist ? (@AnOrangeSNES) February 4, 2016

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it's now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

‘ AnOnion (@onion_an) February 4, 2016

don't talk to me or my son or my sons son or my sons sons son ever again pic.twitter.com/oeCSNMHD3z

‘ ? (@haloseok) February 5, 2016

I'm a copy editor but I think it sounds cooler to tell people I'm a corrections officer.

‘ Adam Burke (@atpburke) February 5, 2016

the opposite of egg mcmuffin is chicken mcdickout

‘ FROVO (@fro_vo) September 19, 2015

i don't care how much i have to pay the gorilla, i'm in pic.twitter.com/LEPeVfP3eh

‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) January 14, 2016

*at a high school assembly*

Hi I'm here to talk to you about bullying but first check out Jeff in the front row nice shirt Jeff you bitch

‘ Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) February 5, 2016

I'm so happy for my friends' success that I don't even consider them my “friends” until after they've achieved success!

‘ Asher Perlman (@asherperlman) February 1, 2016

[1st day as new school librarian]
STUDENT: is the great gatsby history or literature
MY BRAIN: dont say its lit dont say its lit
ME: its lit

‘ jomny sun (@jonnysun) February 1, 2016

The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it and I deserve better.

‘ Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) January 14, 2016