27 Tweets About Dating We’re Gonna Need You To Read By The End Of The Day

Being gay's def not a choice cuz on my 1st date with a lady she pulled out a guitar & sang Indigo Girls at me 4 an hr yet I still date women

‘ Janine Brito (@janinebrito) July 10, 2015

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Nightmare scenario: You start dating someone, and then, after deciding they're the one, you learn they say gracias to Chipotle employees

‘ Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) November 3, 2015

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dream date: you take me to sephora, give me your credit card, and wait outside for two hours?

‘ birkenstock tan (@knndyryn) August 18, 2015

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What's my dream date? First I'd take you to a fancy dinner. I like breakfast food, so I probably won't eat.

‘ John Reynolds (@JohnReynoldss) October 21, 2014

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Waiter: would u like to see the dessert menu
Me: no, I know what I want
Date [whispers]: they won't have McFlurrys
Me: bring the fucken menu

‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 8, 2016

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boy: when's our next date?
me: may 16th 2016
boy:
me: we'll be able to observe mercury on a transit. it happens 13 times a century

‘ ‘\_(?)_/ ‘ (@accessforbidden) August 1, 2014

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Meet me at Red Lobster at 7 for our blind date. I'll be the one with the wet arm because I put it in the lobster tank on a dare with myself

‘ Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) March 9, 2014

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(at comedy show, audience member reflecting)

f*ck… dating IS weird in new york

‘ mary houlihan (@maryhoulie) February 6, 2016

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*shows up 15 min late to our date with an Edible Arrangement*
Don't get excited, this isn't for you

‘ Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) March 17, 2015

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me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

‘ chuuch (@ch000ch) February 3, 2016

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Not even being on a good date w a hot guy holds my attention quite like a TV behind the bar in my peripheral vision playing Independence Day

‘ Sam (@SamuelMoen) October 15, 2015

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I won't even look up from my phone until the 3rd date.

‘ Dean (@deankarrier) November 20, 2015

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i ultimately stopped dating because i figured i should give some dudes a chance to develop their own taste in music

‘ tara shoe (@tarashoe) December 24, 2015

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carrie is dating a jazz boy pic.twitter.com/8D1XrOuQTv

‘ y 2 mamma mia tambien (@christinefriar) February 6, 2016

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i relate to women on dating shows bc i too am beautiful and unhinged

‘ jugs bunny (@alliewach) February 2, 2016

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one time a girl cancelled on a date with me and like a year later her friend told me it was bc she saw naked old men on my twitter Page .

‘ jon hendren (@fart) April 10, 2015

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One time I was dating a guy and he made a mistake and took responsibility for it and apologized & I haven't been able to stop coming since

‘ AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) December 18, 2015

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Low Expectations Dating App
Him: I want a woman who leaves a wet sponge in the sink overnight.
Her: I just want a man who spells it “tity.”

‘ Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) November 18, 2015

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i've been working on my “okcuspid” dental dating site pun for like… 4 years now? thinking about giving up

‘ mailer daemon (@deadlately) November 18, 2015

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dreamed that a boy vomited some soup onto me. a metaphor for dating i think

‘ speedy ortiz online presence? (@sad13) February 7, 2016

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[walking in park]
date: “impress me”
me: “i can talk to animals”
date: “prove it”
me: [to duck] “hello you fucking duck”

‘ k e i t h (@KeetPotato) January 11, 2016

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I know it's only our second date, Susan, and maybe I'm moving too fast, but I'd like to buy your dog.

‘ Jason (@longwall26) December 13, 2014

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Two dogs on a date
Looking into each other's eyes
They lean in to kiss
Metaphorical fireworks go off
Both of them just fuckin run away

‘ guy fieri in your mentions (@runolgarun) July 5, 2015

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When you’ve been dating a guy for a few months and you’re finally comfortable enough to show your true self pic.twitter.com/CqPnEGvQZ2

‘ Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) November 29, 2015

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dating me is like the first 20 minutes of a horror movie where u dont know exactly what's up But Soon Enough It Is All So Very Clear

‘ darcie wilder (@333333333433333) January 24, 2016