Op-Ed: Thank Goodness Today Is Presidents’ Day And The 2016 Presidential Election Is Now Over!

It ‘s been a long and grueling election season and I am glad to see it all come to an end today, Presidents ‘ Day.

As you all know, the aptly named Presidents ‘ Day is the day we decide our country ‘s president. I mean, that ‘s why we call it Presidents ‘ Day, right? And can I be the first to say, thank god. If this whole circus continued at this volume for a single week longer I don ‘t know how I could cope.

Not that I don ‘t think the campaigning and the debating hasn ‘t been exciting, it ‘s just that this election cycle has been so dang brutal. The blows have been low and dogs have been dirty. Did you hear that Donald Trump repeated one of his supporters calling Cruz a “pussy”? I ‘m just glad this won ‘t continue for two or three more seasons.

We ‘re expected to put our lives on the line when endorsing a candidate and I ‘m just so grateful it ‘s all going to wrap up today, Presidents ‘ Day. If it went on one more day I ‘d probably have a very public, entertaining, but ultimately worrisome emotional breakdown.

No one wants that. Especially my public relations representative who said she would quit if I do “one more stupid fucking stunt and embarrass the hell out of her.” She ‘s a drama queen and I think she is voting for Hillary. Anyways, I ‘m not going to embarrass her. I love her and depend on her.

My friend and I have a bet going on right now that I ‘m also super eager to settle. I think that Rubio is going to take the win. He ‘s been running a steady but slowly rising race, and out of the few remaining Republican candidates, he seems like the most viable option to captain this loony bin of a country. My friend on the other hand thinks that the election isn ‘t happening till November. Which one of us do you think is right?

Basically, a lot is riding on this presidential election, and not just on a national scale. The welfare of my personal life is currently predicated on this all just coming to an end. And once this is over and I can be around my family and not have to talk about Trump or Trump fucking his daughter, and start prepping for Memorial Day, where I contact everyone I know in order to recite our mutual memories, which is as we all know what we do on Memorial Day.