By: Mike Glazer
Pope Francis said Donald Trump ‘is not Christian ‘A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian. This is not in the gospel.”
Unfortunately Donald only had time to read the first page of his televised response. Here ‘s the second page of Donald Trump ‘s press release that he didn ‘t have time to read on the air earlier today.
DONALD CONT: ‘I ‘m a fantastic Christian. One of the best, certainly better than the Pope. I ‘m such a fantastic Christian I met Jesus. It was short, we both got things to do but I met him, and he ‘s great, really wonderful. I ‘m lucky. God loves me, his son loves me, heck maybe they see me as a father figure. I ‘m not sure.
In fact, God told me I ‘m his greatest Christian. Maybe I ‘m better than God I don ‘t know. God ‘s come to me asking for advice how to make our country great again. I told God I will build a tremendous wall. I will deport illegal immigrants. I will destroy ISIS in his name. Then, we high-fived, and I was told I ‘m guaranteed a place in heaven. Unfortunately for everyone excited to meet me in Heaven I ‘m going to live well into my two hundreds, far superior life span to his. I have a great life span. Probably a world record life span. Just tremendous.
Im certainly a better Christian than the other candidates. They ‘re such weak Christians if I shot them they ‘d go to hell. I promise you that. Ben Carson, hell, Kasich, hell. Ted Cruz, hell, and Cruz would be in a special section for unintelligent people with awful faces and overweight bodies. He ‘s so worried about me becoming President he ‘s gained ten pounds. You believe this? I ‘ve lost weight I ‘m so focused, and he ‘s overeating like a stressed out teenage girl begging me to ask them to prom.
I love the Pope, but who are you gonna listen too? A smart handsome billionaire, or a Pope who doesn ‘t like sex? I have great sex with Melania. Passionate hard sex. I really wiggle inside her. It ‘s great. We love each other. The Pope says he loves all humans, but he won ‘t have sex to make humans. That doesn ‘t make sense, zero sense, if you love humanity and you think you ‘re so special you would want to create more humanity in your image to help the world right? That ‘s right. I ‘m right. That ‘s why my daughter Ivanka is so sexually pleasing to look at. I have great genes, and I use them. Maybe the Pope actually hates you, I don ‘t know. I just know God gave me a wonderful penis to put inside Melania, and now I ‘m being attacked for my love. Doesn ‘t seem right. Not coming from a Christian. That ‘s why I ‘m God. Thank you.”