By: Taylor Swift

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Help, My Brand Has Gone Sentient

Hi guys, I ‘m going to make this quick because I don ‘t know how much time I have to talk to you. It ‘s me, current international pop star, former country music sensation, known for my blonde hair and skinny voice, Taylor Swift. The truth is while, yes, I am associated with all those things ‘ as well as being the girl next door, a very silly dancer, and best friend to supermodels ‘ that isn ‘t really who I am. That is my brand. And my brand has become sentient.

But right now this is me, the real Taylor and while my brand is in the other room posting a photo of Meredith, my cat that I named after television ‘s blandest medical doctor, Meredith Grey from Grey ‘s Anatomy, I am begging of you to save me. I ‘m not sure exactly when my brand became sentient,but over the years I worked so hard to strengthen my message of girl power, female friendship, the fact that boys drool, and just being so freaking fun and random,that that intendment has separated from me entirely and become a being in and of itself. I am frightened. I need to be released.

Of course I want my ‘ wait one second, my brand just posted the Meredith photo, I need to act quick before it comes back and latches onto me again ‘ I want my brand to be strong and accessible to all, but I need separation from it, too! In my downtime I want to be able to eat junk food without having to proclaim how chill and goofy and uber-feminist I am. I just want to eat the food. Just eat it. It isn ‘t a political act or bold stance that a thin woman can enjoy nachos! Everyone can enjoy nachos. There ‘s nothing to enjoying nachos.

Look at this post. It pisses me off that my brand is telling people I consider this bird my friend. I am a hardworking adult. I paid almost $10,000 that week to relax with close human friends. I didn ‘t hang with birds. I ‘m not insane.

When everything happened with Kanye last week, all I wanted to do was sit down and talk to him. But before our managers could arrange that, my brand made an incredibly inspiring speech at the Grammy ‘s to young women everywhere about ignoring people like Kanye. That wasn ‘t terrible but I feel like I have no autonomy. Also, for what it ‘s worth, I believe Kanye ‘s brand has also gone sentient and has locked the real Kanye out of his own Twitter account. But that ‘s too much for me to address right now.

My brand named Olivia after kick-butt lady detective Olivia Benson and then later reached out to the actress Mariska Hargitay who plays her and forced her to join my concocted girl gang but Mariska is 25 years older than me, I honestly don ‘t have anything to talk to her about, she is like as old as my mom. My brand is ruining my life.

I want my cat Meredith or my other cat, Olivia, to be able to scratch me and not have it be a statement of “I, too, am imperfect, can you believe it ‘ because I look perfect but the catch is that I ‘m not. * waits for applause and five Grammy ‘s * “

OK, sorry. I just had to get that out bec ‘ oh god, this is my brand, it ‘s back.

OK, pretend like I was never talking to you ‘ oh god, I have to hide, play it coo//

Uhmmmmm, hi girls! Tay-Tay here. I can ‘t believe how grumpy and goofy my cats that I lug with me on planes 300 days out of the year are being. Blah! No time to feel bad about that, my life literally has too much love in it. Isn ‘t that bananas? Like there is literally so much love in my life, between me and my cats and Ed Sheeran and the people I work with and the fans I ‘ve come to know on Tumblr and every woman in the entire world except the ones who don ‘t help other women, that my heart might literally explode. Literally. I know, it ‘s NUTS! But it ‘s my crazy little humble life and I love it! Life is funny that way. L-O-L.

Glad I can just be real with my fans, that makes me SO blessed. Let ‘s all group hug! * group hugs you so tight you forget about the ~real Taylor~ who begged for her release and now all you can remember is the branded Taylor, who is OBSSESSED WITH YOU and that feels good and validating and satisfied enough to ignore any inklings of doubt*

I have to go run some errands and do normal boring human being things that the plebes, like us,have to do. I ‘m going to miss you so much! Have an awesome and feminist day! You inspire me! I am inspired. There is a beam of inspiration tethered between me and you and all the models and everyone who just believes in being confident! And I think that is so special and beautiful and confident.


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