I Am A Single Female Voter: BEHOLD MY POWER

New York Magazine ‘s striking cover story this month is about how single women are America ‘s most powerful voting bloc. According to the article, in 2012 unmarried women drove voter turnout more than any other group, and that number is expected to rise in 2016. And with things like access to birth control, Planned Parenthood, and equal pay on the line, it ‘s no wonder single women are voting in such numbers. Good thing we have so much power. Read one single woman ‘s journal below.

February 2nd, 2016
Today I read the New York Magazine article about how single female voters are the most powerful voters in the entire country. Hell yeah! I am a single female voter, bow down to me, people!!

Anyways, Sarah cancelled our plans tonight because she got in a fight with her boyfriend. So I drank a bottle of red wine and was watching Gilmore Girls for the ninety-sixth time and kind of half-heartedly swiping through Tinder. I was really sad because that ‘s such a terrible way to spend a Saturday night AGAIN, but then I remembered that I have unparalleled voting power and am basically in charge of America, so overall, it was a pretty good Saturday!

February 12th, 2016
Today I got a really confusing letter about how my birth control prescription ran out. So I called my gynecologist and the nurse on the phone said they weren ‘t allowed to fill the prescription unless I came in for an appointment, even though it ‘s a medication I ‘ve been on for like, eight years. The thing is, the nurse couldn ‘t fit me in for three weeks, but I needed the prescription tomorrow. So I was like, ‘Do you know who I am? I am the most powerful voter in America! If I need birth control I should be able to get it!” The nurse just started laughing and saying something about Republicans in Congress and hung up. Whatever. She ‘s probably just jealous because she ‘s married with a family and isn ‘t as important as me.

February 13th, 2016
I was supposed to go on a Tinder date tonight with a guy named Russ. He looked pretty cute in his pictures and his favorite show is also Frasier, so I was really excited. We were going to meet at the bar at eight, and I waited until nine but he never showed up and didn ‘t respond to my texts. But you know what? Thank god. Because I am a single female voter, and I don ‘t want to lose that by not being single anymore, you know? From now on, every time someone stands me up, I ‘m going to use it to fan the flames of my powerful fury! FEEL MY POWER, RUSS FROM TINDER AND ALSO AMERICA!!!

February 23rd, 2016
Today at work my pregnant co-worker Joan asked for more paid time off after maternity leave, and my asshole boss said no! What a jerk. Since Joan is married and not as powerful as I am, I decided to negotiate for her. I walked right into Peter ‘s office and said, ‘Peter, listen up! You might be my boss, but in America, my voice matters more than yours, so you need to give women a fair amount of maternity leave. You shall obey me or feel my single womanly wrath!” Well, he started laughing and then fired me on the spot. But whatever, I ‘m too important to waste my time in the corporate offices of Century 21.

February 26th, 2016
Today I went to my sister ‘s wedding. I ‘m happy for her, but I was feeling pretty down because she ‘s younger than me and I ‘m not even dating anyone, and everyone kept asking me when I was going to walk down the aisle, and I was like, ‘Wouldn ‘t you rather know who I ‘m voting for?” And that always ended the conversation. So, I might have had more than a couple of wines, and then it was my turn to give the maid of honor speech. And then I remembered- oh my god, my poor sister is losing all her power! So I was like, ‘Sarah, I ‘m so happy for you and Noah, but I ‘m also so sorry because you ‘re throwing away the keys to America! I AM SINGLE AND THE UNITED STATES SHALL BEND TO MY WHIM!” And then my dad took me outside and I threw up on his shoes.

March 1st, 2016
Today was Super Tuesday, and you know what that means- voting time!!! I ‘d been waiting for this moment for weeks! I went to my polling place early and waltzed in like the queen I am. I regally stated to the entire room, ‘Greetings fellow Americans! I am Melanie, I am a single female voter, and I am here to tell you who is going to be President!” I grabbed a ballot, and circled my choice and announced it to the room, ‘It shall be Bernie Sanders!” I put my ballot into the machine and looked around with a satisfied smile. ‘You may all go home, now that I have made the ultimate decision! I, the voice of the nation, appreciate your service! You ‘re welcome.” Well, then everyone was pretty much staring at me, and a really, really old woman shuffled over and said, ‘Ma ‘am, you ‘re supposed to vote privately.” And then I sort of yelled in her face, ‘Nonsense! Voting is my domain and all shall obey me!” Well eventually the police came and they said they wouldn ‘t arrest me if I promised not to come back.

I guess I ‘m confused, because I thought I was supposed to have all this power, but mostly it just seems like it ‘s hard to get access to healthcare, or control my own reproductive rights or to even get a guy to go on a date with me. Oh well. I ‘m gonna go masturbate while I think about how important my vote is!