By: Angry 35 Year Old
I ‘ve put up with a lot from this younger generation, but now it ‘s just getting ridiculous. Ivy League football coaches have decided to eliminate tackling from their football practices. Tackling! That ‘s like the third word you think of when you think of the game of football (right behind ‘helmet ‘ and ‘touchdown dance ‘)!
Sure, running full speed into another person who ‘s also running full speed is extremely dangerous, but outlawing it flies in the face of America ‘s great tradition of our smartest people throwing caution to the wind and doing crazy things to advance the human experience. How else would we have invented airplanes or BASE jumping?
They can ‘t just be smart by themselves, locked away from danger and risk. They ‘ll probably build a robot that brushes their teeth for them while they ‘re still asleep or something kind of cool but also completely useless like that. What good is a smart person if they are just going to be a pussy about it?
We need them to build us stuff that will make all our lives better and cooler. Like planes that will take us to Mars. Or big screen TV ‘s that can fold up and fit in our pockets. Or football helmets that prevent concussions.
And I know that outlawing tackling in Ivy League football practices only affects SOME of our MALE smart people, but we literally need every single one we can get. The remote has looked the exact same for the last THREE TV ‘s I ‘ve bought. We should have new, innovative remote control technologies a few times a year, at least, and to get there we need our smart people to not be a bunch of pussies afraid of getting a little tackled.
I ‘m not too smart myself, I ‘ll admit it. In fact, I think I ‘m pretty dumb. My father called me a dumbass my whole childhood. Except this one time at my college graduation he started to tear up, hugged me, and whispered “I ‘m proud of you, son. I hated it that you got cut from the freshman football team and honestly I took it very personal. My friends laughed at me, called you a pussy in a half joking way that I could tell they full-meant, and I took that shame out on you. I know I don ‘t always express my love to you, but you have to understand: I grew up in a time when it was unthinkable for a man to express sincere affection for ANYONE, let alone another man. But you are strong in your own way. For instance, you bravely write op-ed ‘s for websites about how America should be different. That ‘s great! And you proved to everyone out there today that you ‘re also smart ‘ya dumbass.” And he smiled and winked a single tear out of his eye before he turned around, took a deep breath, got in his car, and drove home.
Crap, where was I? Oh yeah, our nation ‘s smart people and football tackling!
All I ‘m saying is that in order for America ‘nay, humanity ‘to move forward, we need smart people who aren ‘t afraid to do full speed tackles at college football practice. I ‘m not blowing this out of proportion!