By: Jenny Nelson
By The Numbers: The Bathroom After Last Night ‘s Wild Party
When all the kids have left your mom ‘s house, it ‘s time for the real party to begin ‘cleaning. Here ‘s a breakdown of the post-bash B-room stats to get your teen janitorial blood flowing and ready to go.
THE RATING I’D GIVE TO THE PARTY I THREW YESTERDAY!
Best party ever, and I ‘m not just saying that because it was my first! All my friends came, and a LOT of popular kids, plus Justin from 7th period free was there, too, and me and him are dating now! Haha just kidding! What I’m not kidding about is this huge mess in my bathroom, which nobody warned me about! I guess it ‘s all part of throwing a party, but how do I clean it up now???
HOW MANY PARTIES I’VE HOSTED BEFORE LAST NIGHT.
Boy, were all of you right about how much fun parties are! We listened to music, ate snacks, and a couple people even made sick in my toilet! Looking at the scene now, you might think it’s just a real, sickening mess, but I like to think of it as evidence of the best night of my life.
THE SIZE OF THE BLEACH BOTTLE I’M USING TO CLEAN THIS BATHROOM.
Who knew inviting a few friends, several acquaintances, a smattering of acquaintances’ friends, and a whole bunch of people I didn’t recognize ‘although maybe they’re just in a different grade than me ‘would mean inviting a mess into my parents’ ordinarily immaculate guest restroom?
WHAT TIME MOM’S GETTING HOME FROM HER BUSINESS TRIP.
So I have just a couple hours to scrub all this mysterious gunk off the mirror.
APPROXIMATELY HOW MUCH OF THE BATHROOM IS COVERED IN THAT MYSTERIOUS GUNK.
Just enough to see my exhausted (but beaming!) face. Not sure what the gunk is but I figure it’s just some natural part of party throwing: social juices, etc.
HOW MANY TIMES JUSTIN USED THE BATHROOM AT MY PARTY!
Not that I was watching!
THE NUMBER OF COTTON SWABS THAT FELL OUT OF THOSE (VERY CUTE, EXPENSIVE!) LITTLE APOTHECARY JARS MY MOM KEEPS ON THE SINK.
…because one of my classmates who was at the party (didn ‘t catch their name but looking forward to being their friend!) knocked them all over yesterday and WTF do I do now!!??? I ‘ll pick them all up, but do I throw them in the garbage can? They were on the floor so they ‘re probably not good to put in ears anymore but it also seems crazy to throw half a thousand cotton swabs into the trash!!??
HOW MANY TIMES I PLAYED THAT ONE QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE SONG BECAUSE I HEARD JUSTIN LIKES IT.
ALSO, UM, SORRY TO BE GROSS, BUT WHEN I WAS CLEANING THE TOILET I FOUND AN “UPPER DECKER.”
That ‘s what you call it when someone takes a poo in the toilet tank instead of in the bowl. WTF, and this time I actually mean it!!
WHAT YEAR IT IS, SO WHY THE F. ARE PEOPLE STILL DOING UPPER DECKERS??
Who did this, and was it the same person who did the cotton swab thing or a different person, because frankly I ‘d like to know how many of my guests I should be angry with this morning!! If this is Justin I will literally die I don ‘t know how to change my mind about him he has been my crush for three entire school years!!!
HOW LONG I CAN STAND BEING IN THE BATHROOM BEFORE I HAVE TO STEP OUT FOR SOME AIR.
HOW MANY GIRLFRIENDS I ‘VE HEARD JUSTIN HAS, BASED ON VARYING ACCOUNTS.
On the one hand this means maybe I have a chance with him since he is into polyamory which is very progressive of him but it might also mean he doesn’t treat all his girlfriends right, so maybe it ‘s best that I don ‘t get involved!!! I want my first kiss to be with someone who cares, but I ‘d also like for it to be with Justin!
LITTLE DROPS OF BLOOD ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE SINK.
At first I thought it was salsa, but no, it ‘s blood. I hope it ‘s Justin ‘s, haha unless that ‘s weird. If it ‘s weird then just pretend I said something that will make people want to come to my next party!
HOW MUCH I SPENT ON CHIPS AND SALSA FOR THE PARTY.
For a bunch of ungrateful party guests who mussed my whole bathroom up! Someone was nice enough to bring a keg, but then they just left it in my bathtub, who does that??
BOTTLE OF MY MOM ‘S SHAMPOO THAT IS JUST COMPLETELY FULL OF SALSA NOW.
Who does that!???
Illustrations By Natasha Fedorova