27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #24

Is that a bottle of Prozac in your pocket or are you just sad to see me?

‘ Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 1, 2016

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“I'm so sad.”
“You should read Garfield.”
“But Doctor, I am Garfield”

‘ “Ian” Abramson (@ianabramson) March 2, 2016

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If you pretend to be dead long enough, people come along and do your hair & makeup for free.

‘ honky tonk angel bb (@dulcetry) May 3, 2015

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I don't always dress in style but when I do it was 2003.

‘ mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 4, 2016

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If I seem tired, it's because I've been trying to figure out how 40% of all weeks are Fashion Weeks.

‘ Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) March 4, 2016

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Computer, give me a picture that is cartoonishly opposite of America. pic.twitter.com/KPzU3mLgnQ

‘ ???? ? (@pw3n) February 24, 2016

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Donald Trump and Chris Christie look like rival strip club owners.

‘ Alex Baze (@bazecraze) February 28, 2016

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Replaced Trump's eyes with his mouth and it looks the same pic.twitter.com/bN3YRgHvdT

‘ Sea (@maybesea) February 26, 2016

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alright. if everything happens for a reason why did i put a scarecrow in the shower

‘ Steve (@WigCannon) February 25, 2016

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Full House both asks and answers the question “what ever happened to predictability?”

‘ caitlin bitzegaio (@caitorade) February 29, 2016

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No offense but The Little Mermaid looked like basically a normal-sized mermaid to me…

‘ Caity Weaver (@caityweaver) March 4, 2016

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People say underwear models are usually dumb. Well, they figured out a career where they don't have to wear pants at work. Who's smart now?

‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) February 26, 2016

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hate when i reach in my purse for a pen, but grab a tampon instead, so i have to reach for my inkwell in the purse, to dip the tampon in

‘ tara shoe (@tarashoe) March 4, 2016

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Girl you must be a freezer, because I want to put a dead clown in you.

‘ Chez McCorvey (@CelebrityChez) February 26, 2016

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Never get into a car with strangers unless an app tells you it's ok

‘ Elle Oh Well (@ElleOhHell) March 4, 2016

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Hey starbucks I'm not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

‘ vineyille (@vineyille) February 18, 2016

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Why do recipes list ingredients as optional? I didn't have to make brownies, I don't even have to keep living. Of course nuts are optional.

‘ Tinker Elle (@elle91) March 3, 2016

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“SpaghettiOs” is slang for “spaghetti orgasms”.

‘ Mark Leggett (@markleggett) February 17, 2016

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I'm very good in bed – can stay there 15 hours straight no problem

‘ Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) June 23, 2015

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WIFE: He treats our marriage like it's a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We'll find out after the break

‘ Floyd (@dafloydsta) March 3, 2016

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All the single ladies
(All the single ladies)
All the double ladies
(All the double ladies)
All the triple ladies
(All the triple ladies)

‘ Chris Hallbeck (@ChrisHallbeck) March 3, 2016

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The middle initials “R.R.”, a ranked list:
1. J.R.R. Tolkien
2. George R.R. Martin
3. The Children R.R. Future

‘ Line Art Lionheart (@notalogin) February 28, 2016

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How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

‘ Captain Antagonist ? (@AnOrangeSNES) January 29, 2016

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Career not going the way you want? Have you tried lying to everyone?

‘ Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) March 4, 2016

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There's a navy ship that can fire something that weighs 2000 lbs over 26 miles. So basically this is the only way I'm ever doing a marathon.

‘ elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) March 1, 2016

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it always looks like the waves are crashing onto the shore when realy they are trying to pull the earth back into the sea

‘ jomny sun (@jonnysun) March 4, 2016

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[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

‘ Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) July 7, 2015