By: Jason Flowers
With the proper treatment, this week ‘s tweets should start feeling better very soon.
Is that a bottle of Prozac in your pocket or are you just sad to see me?
‘ Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 1, 2016
“I'm so sad.”
“You should read Garfield.”
“But Doctor, I am Garfield”
‘ “Ian” Abramson (@ianabramson) March 2, 2016
If you pretend to be dead long enough, people come along and do your hair & makeup for free.
‘ honky tonk angel bb (@dulcetry) May 3, 2015
I don't always dress in style but when I do it was 2003.
‘ mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 4, 2016
If I seem tired, it's because I've been trying to figure out how 40% of all weeks are Fashion Weeks.
‘ Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) March 4, 2016
Computer, give me a picture that is cartoonishly opposite of America. pic.twitter.com/KPzU3mLgnQ
‘ ???? ? (@pw3n) February 24, 2016
Donald Trump and Chris Christie look like rival strip club owners.
‘ Alex Baze (@bazecraze) February 28, 2016
Replaced Trump's eyes with his mouth and it looks the same pic.twitter.com/bN3YRgHvdT
‘ Sea (@maybesea) February 26, 2016
alright. if everything happens for a reason why did i put a scarecrow in the shower
‘ Steve (@WigCannon) February 25, 2016
Full House both asks and answers the question “what ever happened to predictability?”
‘ caitlin bitzegaio (@caitorade) February 29, 2016
No offense but The Little Mermaid looked like basically a normal-sized mermaid to me…
‘ Caity Weaver (@caityweaver) March 4, 2016
People say underwear models are usually dumb. Well, they figured out a career where they don't have to wear pants at work. Who's smart now?
‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) February 26, 2016
hate when i reach in my purse for a pen, but grab a tampon instead, so i have to reach for my inkwell in the purse, to dip the tampon in
‘ tara shoe (@tarashoe) March 4, 2016
Girl you must be a freezer, because I want to put a dead clown in you.
‘ Chez McCorvey (@CelebrityChez) February 26, 2016
Never get into a car with strangers unless an app tells you it's ok
‘ Elle Oh Well (@ElleOhHell) March 4, 2016
Hey starbucks I'm not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
‘ vineyille (@vineyille) February 18, 2016
Why do recipes list ingredients as optional? I didn't have to make brownies, I don't even have to keep living. Of course nuts are optional.
‘ Tinker Elle (@elle91) March 3, 2016
“SpaghettiOs” is slang for “spaghetti orgasms”.
‘ Mark Leggett (@markleggett) February 17, 2016
I'm very good in bed – can stay there 15 hours straight no problem
‘ Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) June 23, 2015
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it's a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We'll find out after the break
‘ Floyd (@dafloydsta) March 3, 2016
All the single ladies
(All the single ladies)
All the double ladies
(All the double ladies)
All the triple ladies
(All the triple ladies)
‘ Chris Hallbeck (@ChrisHallbeck) March 3, 2016
The middle initials “R.R.”, a ranked list:
1. J.R.R. Tolkien
2. George R.R. Martin
3. The Children R.R. Future
‘ Line Art Lionheart (@notalogin) February 28, 2016
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
‘ Captain Antagonist ? (@AnOrangeSNES) January 29, 2016
Career not going the way you want? Have you tried lying to everyone?
‘ Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) March 4, 2016
There's a navy ship that can fire something that weighs 2000 lbs over 26 miles. So basically this is the only way I'm ever doing a marathon.
‘ elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) March 1, 2016
it always looks like the waves are crashing onto the shore when realy they are trying to pull the earth back into the sea
‘ jomny sun (@jonnysun) March 4, 2016
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
‘ Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) July 7, 2015
Think you can ‘t get something for everyone ‘ literally everyone ‘ and stay under budget? Turns out, with PLANNING and FORESIGHT and CREATIVE PROBLEM SOLVING (plus a lot of string) ‘ it ‘s not only possible… IT ‘S INEVITABLE.