By: Dashiell Driscoll

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The 9 Most Important Things From Last Night’s ‘The People V. O. J. Simpson’

1) Marcia ‘s Trials & Tribulations

This trial sure got weird quick! I don ‘t see how Marcia Clark ‘s kids have anything to do with this, but I ‘m sure the dream-team defense has a plan! Also, F. Lee Bailey looks a lot different? And Johnny Cochran is white now? Oh, we ‘re at a separate trial. Got it! Well, Marcia seems to be handling everything else with so much grace, might as well slide a divorce and custody hearing on to her stress plate.

‘I ‘ve prepared a tight five minutes of material on punctuality. I ‘ve also got a lot of thoughts about airplane food. ‘

Being a single mother in Los Angeles is tough. You ‘ve got to pick up your kid from soccer practice, cook a sensible dinner, and still find time to set a good example when it comes to smoking cigarettes and bringing a famous murderer to justice. Marcia, your kid is right. Cigarettes are gross! But they ‘re the only thing making you look even a little cool these days, so maybe don ‘t quit anytime soon.

2) Six Hours In Simi Valley

The courtroom was right to be taken aback by the information that the evidence went to Simi Valley for six hours, but not because of any potential tampering or relationship to the Rodney King verdict. Simi Valley is just generally gross and anyone who voluntarily goes there should be met with ample scrutiny. Have you ever been to Simi Valley? It sucks. It ‘s like Valencia but worse, because Valencia at least has Six Flags, and Valencia is already terrible. Simi Valley is just two car dealerships and a Chevron. I wouldn ‘t spend six hours there to save my mother ‘s life. Sorry, Mom! We had a good run! See you on the other side. I ‘m sure you understand.

3) Even If We ‘re Just Dancing In The Darden

Yes, this show is about real events that happened. But it ‘s still showBUSINESS not showBORING and you need to throw some hints of sexual tension in the mix or folks will change the channel. I have no idea if anything remotely like this happened in real life (this isn ‘t one of those fact-checking recaps, I am too lazy to do that kind of work at my job) but I appreciate a show that panders to my simple and horny sensibilities. Anyway, sometimes you need to take a break from completely blowing it and drink some tequila then dance closely with a coworker. It ‘s right there in the office HR handbook on the page about appropriate behavior. These two! I ‘ve got a great feeling about these two and their chances of winning this case.

4) What Every Woman Wants To Hear

‘Look, Marcia. The way the media is treating you. It ‘s wrong. It ‘s sexist. It makes me sick. But they ‘re right. You ‘re a disaster, wrapped in a train wreck, drizzled with nasty sauce. I know some great media consultants. They operate out of a very clean office on Wilshire and they can consult you a new nose and maybe consult the wrinkles out of your face and perhaps consult a new pair of twins right onto your front end. No offense. You can ‘t get offended because I said no offense. People think you ‘re a bitch and nobody wants to have sex with you, by the way, that ‘s the gist of this pep-talk in case you ‘re as bad with context clues as you are with a hairbrush and foundation. ‘

5) Maid Me Crazy

I did not go to law school. I know, shocking. Up until you read that, you were probably thinking that this has been such a thorough and informative read it could ‘ve only been written by a Harvard (or perhaps Stanford) graduate. But while my knowledge of the criminal justice system is admittedly limited to MSNBC shows that take place inside of prison and Maury episodes where bad kids go to boot camp, I ‘m pretty sure the defense ‘s witness isn ‘t supposed to get on the stand and tell the prosecution 1) you don ‘t clearly remember stuff 2) ask if remembering that aforementioned stuff matters and 3) you ‘ll just say whatever Mr. Johnny tells you to say. Whenever possible, your witness should avoid the phrase ‘Mr. Johnny ‘ all together. It lands you somewhere on the credibility scale between toddler and cartoonish racist caricature of a sidekick.

6) Johnny ‘s Dark Side

That wasn ‘t shady at all. Everything looks like it ‘s on the up and up! I make all my most legitimate and upstanding calls about transferring large sums of money while I ‘m in a dimly lit room with half a glass of liquor. Bring back silk pajamas, Johnny! The one who practices speeches and then makes sweet love to his wife after carefully placing his glasses down on a pillow! I miss the old John-ye. Set on his goals of winning this case John-ye. I hate the new John-ye. The ‘I ‘m kind of scared of him and what he ‘s clearly capable of there ‘s definitely more to this guy than meets the eye and not in a good way ‘ John-ye.

7) Just Fuck My Whole Case Up, Fam

WHAT THE SHIT DID YOU DO TO YOUR HAIR, MARCIA?!? You went the wrong way on the path of getting people to like you when they look at you! Looking like a sunburnt Chia Pet that got her law degree stuck in an electrical socket. At least your new boyfriend is nice enough to lie to you about it.

Note to self: DO NOT TRUST CHRIS DARDEN ‘S OPINION ON ANYTHING AS HE CLEARLY CANNOT BE TRUSTED. Also, Marcia, now might be a good time to stop smoking cigarettes! Keep that perm away from an open flame if you value your life. I ‘m not even sure you ‘re legally allowed to bring it into a crowded movie theater.

8) You Can ‘t Say That On Television

F. Lee Bailey needs to chill. I watch my TV loud and I ‘m pretty sure this scene is the reason my neighbor didn ‘t make eye contact with me this morning when I went to my car. For real, I did not know you could say that word on television. That many times. Back to back to back. This just became someone ‘s new favorite show of all time for all the wrong reasons. Donald Trump has already remixed this scene, layered it over a Ted Nugent medley, and made it his official campaign anthem.

9) Marcia After Dark

Don ‘t take naked pictures of yourself unless you want the whole world to see them. It ‘s the truest truth of all time. I love how quickly she tries to rationally explain things. ‘We were on vacation. Everyone is always naked on vacation. And it was my ex-husband! I mean my ex-ex-husband. His cousin. His cousin had a dog and that dog had an older dog who was the younger dog ‘s mentor and that ‘s who put these pictures on the paper internet. ‘ And just like that, Marcia Clark was immortalized in the ‘difficult but not impossible to masturbate to ‘ hall of fame. Tune in next week! Will somebody offer O.J. some juice? It ‘s my favorite plot line. Is John Travolta going to make Bob Shapiro ‘s character even more over the top than he already is? I think he ‘s still got a few ridiculous facial expressions up his sleeve! Is Ross Kardashian ever going to wind up with Rachel? They ‘ve got chemistry but we all know timing is the real barrier of entry to a truly great long-lasting relationship! None of this and more on S01E07 of American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson!

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