By: Clara Morris

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What Are The Dropout Candidates Going To Do Now?

Out of an original field of 23 candidates, just two Democrats and four Republicans are still in the running for their party ‘s 2016 presidential nomination. That means 17 candidates have suspended their campaigns, from political big shots like Jeb Bush and Chis Christie to people we forgot existed, like Jim Gilmore and Lincoln Chafee. And though their campaigns are over, one question remains for the dropout candidates: What are they going to do now? We have some ideas:

  • Be the president of their basement.
  • Immediately put on sweatpants.
  • Write themselves into the ‘notable alumni ‘ section of their high school ‘s Wikipedia page.
  • Tell the poor what they really think of them.
  • Burn the 22,000 business cards they had made up with the Presidential Seal.
  • Have the best extra-marital affair of their lives because they aren ‘t weighed down by the fear that it could ruin their career.
  • Plan Face/Off surgery between themselves and the eventual nominee.
  • Ben and Jerry ‘s Chunky Monkey. Straight out of the carton.
  • Constantly refer to themselves as ‘Vice President ‘ and hope it catches on.
  • Spend time with the props they used during the election (wife, children, pets).
  • See if they can get on Dancing with the Stars.
  • Write their memoirs, but put in a little fiction right at the end that says they did get to be president.
  • Be extra mean to their butler.
  • Try to sneak a picture of themselves onto the wall of presidents at the National Museum of American History.
  • Really hold forth at career day.
  • Google their net worth over and over until they feel better.
  • Register to vote.
  • Make a lot of ‘well, being president sure isn ‘t brain surgery ‘ jokes (Ben Carson only).
  • Collect speaking fees for merely taking the stage, mumbling about grace in defeat, leaving stage.
  • Build model trains that run through model towns in a model country where they are the real president.
  • Get whatever haircut they want.

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