27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #25

when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie

‘ jhorts (@dearjhonletter) March 6, 2016

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Me: Dad, are you here? I miss you so much. I'm really struggling

Ouija board: H I R E A L L Y
S T R U G G L I N G I M D A D
L O L

‘ Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) February 20, 2016

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it's spelled ko?n, dad… the “k” shakes you to the core then the “?” pushes you off a fuckin cliff

‘ dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) March 8, 2016

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WHOA! Fair warning, this is a map of the US if shutterstock had their way. pic.twitter.com/c0qYj4MBAn

‘ Mike Glazer (@glazerboohoohoo) March 9, 2016

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“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

‘ Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) February 29, 2016

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VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That's Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

‘ pat tobin (@tastefactory) March 4, 2016

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Hello 911? I fell, please send help. Yes I can get up but I landed really sexy and I need you to send someone to draw me.

‘ Brett Druck (@BrettDruck) March 10, 2016

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Every magazine should be renamed “Look, Bodies!”

‘ A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) March 10, 2016

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The new Ghostbusters movie looks so unrealistic. Are we seriously expected to believe that women could bust ghosts as well as men do?

‘ Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) March 5, 2016

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JEB BUSH: May I come in?
GINNY WEASLEY: Of course.
MONICA GELLAR: Welcome to People Less Popular Than Their Objectively Worse Brother Club.

‘ Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 21, 2016

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COP: Captain, we have Prince in custody

“Fingerprints yet?”

COP: Did you say finger Prince?

“Yes, fingerprints”

COP: (smiling) Yes sir!

‘ Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) March 11, 2016

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Imagine how good the Beatles would have been if you replaced John Lennon with Kendrick Lamar and replaced the other 3 members with nobody

‘ Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 7, 2016

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If you make a rapper mad he has to sing a song about you. Which I think is neat.

‘ stiv (@lawbsterfest) January 26, 2016

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I have a very particular set of skills. I can tell when a porno is ACTUALLY amateur, and not just pretending to be. -Me in Taken

‘ gabrus (@Gabrus) March 8, 2016

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Don't get yourself so pregnant that you have a baby

‘ BCovfefe (@freebirdy31) March 7, 2016

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Babies are the only ones with enough courage to scream on airplanes.

‘ Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) March 10, 2016

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MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It's “you're” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

‘ batkaren (@batkaren) March 4, 2015

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It ‘s called having a spine, maybe you vertebrate

‘ REW Speedwagon (@therealeatwood) March 10, 2016

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[Marriage Counseling]

Her: he always mixes two common sayings together that aren't relevant

Me: well, blood is thicker than the early bird

‘ thomas (@Barknado69) March 9, 2016

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If you're married to Jeff Bridges- never say “More like the Little Lebowski” when he takes his pants off bc u should never burn ur Bridges

‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) January 29, 2015

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There's no right way to say “I Googled you”.

‘ Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 10, 2016

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I saw your boyfriend's Twitter account in the parking lot today pic.twitter.com/te2ZW2iy8v

‘ Helena Bottom-Farter (@solikebasically) March 5, 2016

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I put the I in idiot. Both of them.

‘ Kirk Fox (@kirkfox) March 10, 2016

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[McDonald’s job interview]

Manager: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: drunk as shit, telling you to go McFuck yourself, probably.

‘ Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) March 10, 2016

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if you order a mcflurry 8 days in a row that's called a mcturbo and they have to let you see the shed where they keep grimace

‘ lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) March 8, 2016

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Cashier: Did you find everything okay today?
Me: I did.
Cashier: Can I interest you in the film rights to the Fantastic Four?
Me: No thanks.

‘ Don Nichols (@DairylandDon) March 10, 2016

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[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

‘ mo (@chuuew) August 8, 2015