By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets are better than the average dad joke.
when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie
‘ jhorts (@dearjhonletter) March 6, 2016
Me: Dad, are you here? I miss you so much. I'm really struggling
Ouija board: H I R E A L L Y
S T R U G G L I N G I M D A D
L O L
‘ Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) February 20, 2016
it's spelled ko?n, dad… the “k” shakes you to the core then the “?” pushes you off a fuckin cliff
‘ dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) March 8, 2016
WHOA! Fair warning, this is a map of the US if shutterstock had their way. pic.twitter.com/c0qYj4MBAn
‘ Mike Glazer (@glazerboohoohoo) March 9, 2016
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
‘ Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) February 29, 2016
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That's Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
‘ pat tobin (@tastefactory) March 4, 2016
Hello 911? I fell, please send help. Yes I can get up but I landed really sexy and I need you to send someone to draw me.
‘ Brett Druck (@BrettDruck) March 10, 2016
Every magazine should be renamed “Look, Bodies!”
‘ A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) March 10, 2016
The new Ghostbusters movie looks so unrealistic. Are we seriously expected to believe that women could bust ghosts as well as men do?
‘ Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) March 5, 2016
JEB BUSH: May I come in?
GINNY WEASLEY: Of course.
MONICA GELLAR: Welcome to People Less Popular Than Their Objectively Worse Brother Club.
‘ Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 21, 2016
COP: Captain, we have Prince in custody
COP: Did you say finger Prince?
COP: (smiling) Yes sir!
‘ Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) March 11, 2016
Imagine how good the Beatles would have been if you replaced John Lennon with Kendrick Lamar and replaced the other 3 members with nobody
‘ Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 7, 2016
If you make a rapper mad he has to sing a song about you. Which I think is neat.
‘ stiv (@lawbsterfest) January 26, 2016
I have a very particular set of skills. I can tell when a porno is ACTUALLY amateur, and not just pretending to be. -Me in Taken
‘ gabrus (@Gabrus) March 8, 2016
Don't get yourself so pregnant that you have a baby
‘ BCovfefe (@freebirdy31) March 7, 2016
Babies are the only ones with enough courage to scream on airplanes.
‘ Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) March 10, 2016
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It's “you're” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
‘ batkaren (@batkaren) March 4, 2015
It ‘s called having a spine, maybe you vertebrate
‘ REW Speedwagon (@therealeatwood) March 10, 2016
Her: he always mixes two common sayings together that aren't relevant
Me: well, blood is thicker than the early bird
‘ thomas (@Barknado69) March 9, 2016
If you're married to Jeff Bridges- never say “More like the Little Lebowski” when he takes his pants off bc u should never burn ur Bridges
‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) January 29, 2015
There's no right way to say “I Googled you”.
‘ Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 10, 2016
I saw your boyfriend's Twitter account in the parking lot today pic.twitter.com/te2ZW2iy8v
‘ Helena Bottom-Farter (@solikebasically) March 5, 2016
I put the I in idiot. Both of them.
‘ Kirk Fox (@kirkfox) March 10, 2016
[McDonald’s job interview]
Manager: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: drunk as shit, telling you to go McFuck yourself, probably.
‘ Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) March 10, 2016
if you order a mcflurry 8 days in a row that's called a mcturbo and they have to let you see the shed where they keep grimace
‘ lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) March 8, 2016
Michael sees Elizabeth. Starring Aaron Kheifets, Kate Armstrong Ross, Drew Lewis, Amanda Riley, Lydian Blossom, Paul Laudiero, Alex Mullen, Alexey Novikov, Jared Smith, Ryan Haney, Angel Yau, Ben Korman, Harrison Unger, Adam Wagner, Tom Corbisiero, Georgia Johnson, Justin Danforth, Brett Davis, Jon Seale, Kate Hamilton, George Angelico, and Phil Primason Shot by Ryan Nethery Special Thanks to Dan Knobler and the Magnet Theater http://www.goodcopgreatcop.com
‘He called Professor Furman ‘Mom ‘, how stupid is that? What a fucking nerd. He turned so red, it was the best thing ever” Carol crowed. ‘But then, yeah, the earth broke open and that was pretty whack”
“Delivering hard news is hard to do, especially when you don’t know what it is.” A completely unscripted new comedy show that puts two people in the ultimate uncomfortable situation without any idea where it’s going to go next. With some of the freshest faces in improvised comedy, this show extends beyond the stage to take impro where it ‘s suited best, the real world. Be it a coffee shop, a bar, an office or a squash court, Written It Down is the show that takes the ordinary and makes it hilarious. And the best bit, no one knows quite what to expect. http://www.writtenitdown.com