By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets are better than the average dad joke.
when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie
‘ jhorts (@dearjhonletter) March 6, 2016
Me: Dad, are you here? I miss you so much. I'm really struggling
Ouija board: H I R E A L L Y
S T R U G G L I N G I M D A D
L O L
‘ Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) February 20, 2016
it's spelled ko?n, dad… the “k” shakes you to the core then the “?” pushes you off a fuckin cliff
‘ dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) March 8, 2016
WHOA! Fair warning, this is a map of the US if shutterstock had their way. pic.twitter.com/c0qYj4MBAn
‘ Mike Glazer (@glazerboohoohoo) March 9, 2016
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
‘ Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) February 29, 2016
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That's Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
‘ pat tobin (@tastefactory) March 4, 2016
Hello 911? I fell, please send help. Yes I can get up but I landed really sexy and I need you to send someone to draw me.
‘ Brett Druck (@BrettDruck) March 10, 2016
Every magazine should be renamed “Look, Bodies!”
‘ A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) March 10, 2016
The new Ghostbusters movie looks so unrealistic. Are we seriously expected to believe that women could bust ghosts as well as men do?
‘ Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) March 5, 2016
JEB BUSH: May I come in?
GINNY WEASLEY: Of course.
MONICA GELLAR: Welcome to People Less Popular Than Their Objectively Worse Brother Club.
‘ Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 21, 2016
COP: Captain, we have Prince in custody
COP: Did you say finger Prince?
COP: (smiling) Yes sir!
‘ Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) March 11, 2016
Imagine how good the Beatles would have been if you replaced John Lennon with Kendrick Lamar and replaced the other 3 members with nobody
‘ Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 7, 2016
If you make a rapper mad he has to sing a song about you. Which I think is neat.
‘ stiv (@lawbsterfest) January 26, 2016
I have a very particular set of skills. I can tell when a porno is ACTUALLY amateur, and not just pretending to be. -Me in Taken
‘ gabrus (@Gabrus) March 8, 2016
Don't get yourself so pregnant that you have a baby
‘ BCovfefe (@freebirdy31) March 7, 2016
Babies are the only ones with enough courage to scream on airplanes.
‘ Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) March 10, 2016
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It's “you're” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
‘ batkaren (@batkaren) March 4, 2015
It ‘s called having a spine, maybe you vertebrate
‘ REW Speedwagon (@therealeatwood) March 10, 2016
Her: he always mixes two common sayings together that aren't relevant
Me: well, blood is thicker than the early bird
‘ thomas (@Barknado69) March 9, 2016
If you're married to Jeff Bridges- never say “More like the Little Lebowski” when he takes his pants off bc u should never burn ur Bridges
‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) January 29, 2015
There's no right way to say “I Googled you”.
‘ Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 10, 2016
I saw your boyfriend's Twitter account in the parking lot today pic.twitter.com/te2ZW2iy8v
‘ Helena Bottom-Farter (@solikebasically) March 5, 2016
I put the I in idiot. Both of them.
‘ Kirk Fox (@kirkfox) March 10, 2016
[McDonald’s job interview]
Manager: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: drunk as shit, telling you to go McFuck yourself, probably.
‘ Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) March 10, 2016
if you order a mcflurry 8 days in a row that's called a mcturbo and they have to let you see the shed where they keep grimace
‘ lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) March 8, 2016