By: Funny Or Die
Obama Nominates Merrick Garland To Supreme Court, But That’s Not Who We Guessed It Would Be!
President Obama announced his selection of Merrick Garland as his nominee to fill the vacant seat on the Supreme Court.
A month ago, we had our writers put their guesses for who Obama would nominate on slips of paper, which we sealed in a barrel, to be opened after Obama actually announced. If anyone got it right, they were promised to receive a $15 gift certificate to Dunkin Donuts. See below for who everyone guessed.
Iyanla Vanzant
Pick by Kady Ruth Ashcraft
Iyanla Vanzant not only has a law degree, she also is an ordained priestess and a close friend to America ‘s emotional lawyer, Oprah Winfrey. Iyanla for Supreme Court!
Jenny Nelson ‘s Dad
Pick by Jenny Nelson
My dad is a practicing litigator. He used to teach law school, I ‘ve seen him do court before and I thought he did a very good job, and he was also my assistant softball coach for several years in grade school so, uh yeah, I think he knows how to control a team of rowdy tween girls (in this case, rowdy tween girls=America)!
Nate Dern
Pick by Nate Dern
I think it would be super fun to be a Supreme Court judge. I don ‘t have a law degree or anything, but I think I could learn. And the job security of a lifetime appointment sounds pretty neat. I know it ‘s not super likely I ‘ll get chosen, but I think I ‘d enjoy it and I ‘d try my best to do a good job. If anybody knows Obama, please put in a good word for me.
Judge Judy, nah JK, nominate me, Matt Mayer
Pick by Matt Mayer
My friends tell me about their interpersonal disputes, and I ALWAYS know who ‘s right and who ‘s wrong. In the end, the person my friend was fighting with is always wrong. And my friend is also wrong. I ‘m the one who ‘s right. Nominate me. JK (again), nominate Judge Judy. Just think about it. She funny.
Matt Mayer
Pick by Nate Maggio
I would vote for my coworker Matt Mayer. He is a hunk, the sort of hunk I want on the Supreme Court!
I Also Pick Matt Mayer
Pick by Josh Brown
Just look at that hunky Supreme Court material in the photo above!
Zack Poitras ‘ Cat, Trombones
Pick by Zack Poitras
My cat Trombones is black and white so you know she ‘d look good in a robe. She cannot be bought ‘ in her eyes, everyone is a dumb ape who is only good for keeping litter boxes clean and tossing balls down the hallway. She would never let mice take over the country, and she would interpret the Constitution as it is ‘ a yellow, curled up piece of paper worth batting around and jumping on a few times. I think that would a pretty refreshing ideology for this country.
Diana Ross
Pick by Jason Flowers
Not only is she an intelligent, strong black woman, but she already has plenty of experience being the leader of the Supremes.
Major League Umpire Joe West
Pick by Ben Wietmarschen
He has decades of experience making high-pressure judgement calls while following the letter of the law. He refuses to take sides and is already used to coming to work in a silly looking uniform. And if anyone wants to fight his call, he ‘s not afraid to get up in their face, have a screaming match with them, kick a little dirt, and ultimately, throw them out of the baseball stadium.
Merrick Garland
Pick by President Obama
This is who I ‘m going to nominate. No need to vote or guess, since this is my call.
Oh yeah! I forgot that President Obama was freelancing for us in the office that week. I guess we should have known that he might have some inside information on who he was going to pick. Anyway, looks like President Obama won our POTUS SCOTUS Nom office pool and is the rightful recipient of the $15 gift certificate to Dunkin ‘ Donuts! Congrats President Obama!
