Drunk Day 2016 Article #9: Why Ants Are Great – By A Drunk Guy

Here ‘s all the reasons I love ants (by the way I ‘m not just looking up facts – this shit is from memory). ADDENDUM – I wikipediaed Ants.

1. Some
2. Ants can suss out bullshit.
3. Ants build incredible structures. Ants have built the Grand Canyon, the Statue of Liberty, and the Golden Gate Bridge.
4. Ants build fucking air tunnels to deal with the poisonous mold they are growing in their colony.
5. Ants
6. Some ants keep little aphid like creatures as SLAVES. They take the sugary nectar they create.
7. I really want my own ant farm but that means I need to go get a queen ant somewhere which is hard in the state of New York.
8. DON ‘T get an ant farm online that doesn ‘t have a queen – those ants will only live like three weeks and then you just got a glass of dirt.
9. The wikipedia article for ants was clearly written by British people because one of the categories is spelled ‘Defence. ‘
10. Also they say colour a couple times.
11. Ants know when another ant is sick – they will carry it away from the colony – which is both incredible and sad for the ant kicked out. Maybe it was just a rebellious teen ant – who knows. My parents accused me of dealing drugs even though all I did was grow my hair out – what if I was kicked out of my house fore that?? That ‘s fucked up
12. Ants made the movie Ant Man, which is crazy.
13. Some ants use the position of the sun to figure out how far away from the nest they are. I use the sun to figure out whether or not it ‘s daytime, and that ‘s it, so fuck me, right?
14. Some ants use their mandibles to chop down leaves, and then carry them back to the nest.
15. Ants have each other ‘s back. Unless they know they gotta die for the queen. You gotta respect that.
16. Some ants attack other colonies and then raise the larvae as slaves – that ‘s so fucked up I respect things I can squash with my shoe for even thinking of it.
17. This is nuts, and not only because they are called ‘lemon ants ‘: Lemon ants make devil ‘s gardens by killing surrounding plants with their stings and leaving a pure patch of lemon ant trees, (Duroia hirsuta). This modification of the forest provides the ants with more nesting sites inside the stems of the Duroia trees17. Devil ‘s gardens? That ‘s fucking crazy.
18. Army ants in Africa are used as sutures because they will bite your wound closed and then you just cut the body off – holy shit.
19. Ants know when storms are coming.
20. Have you ever killed an ant with a magnifying glass? What a weird demonstration of power – it was the first time I felt power as a kid. I killed a lot of ants with magnifying glasses, then I started to like them to much to do it. I think every human needs to go through that kind of process.
21. Have you ever sat and watched ants go at a muffin for like two hours? One hits it, goes and tells others, and then like fifteen minutes later its surrounded. That ‘s nuts.
22. I once observed a flooded river, and a colony of ants created an island for themselves – it was constantly rotating so they wouldn ‘t drown. Some ants created a long line to grab onto a branch and high the current of the rushing waters. Holy shit.
23. Some ants can type 99 words a minute.
24. The average dick size for an ant is 22 ‘.
25. I can tell I ‘m drunk because I ‘m just making dick jokes now.

I love ants. If I didn ‘t pursue comedy I would pursue ants.