27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #26

just read an article that said highly sarcastic people die younger, which is just fucking great.

‘ chuuch (@ch000ch) March 16, 2016

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You should be able to go up to people and ask what their deal is.

‘ Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) March 13, 2016

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I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I'm great at analogies.

‘ Marl (@Marlebean) October 29, 2013

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Best songs that order composers to do things:

1. Rock Me Amadeus
2. Roll Over Beethoven
3. Make Me a Sandwich Brahms
4. Eat a Dick Vivaldi

‘ Rob Cee (@TheRobCee) May 10, 2015

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“My tits are up here,” I say, pointing to my birdcage.

‘ KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) March 13, 2016

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I always forget that the name “Nancy” is short for “Pregnancy”

‘ Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 17, 2016

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I made a robot to help me argue on the internet pic.twitter.com/NxpXhk0NMM

‘ Simone Giertz (@SimoneGiertz) March 16, 2016

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The only fun I have in life is spelling my email address, c a s h i e r m u r d e r e r at gmail dot com, when the cashier asks.

‘ A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) March 14, 2016

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Me: how much for the wet coffin
Guy: sir that's a kayak
Me: no that thing over there
Guy: oh the wet coffin I'm sorry that's not for sale

‘ JP Lovecraft (@online_shawn) March 13, 2016

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The fact that “pier” doesn't define something that is more pie is why the English language fails me.

‘ Concrete blond (@Super_Cynthia) July 27, 2014

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If only nature would find a way to cover these oranges so we didn't need to waste so much plastic on them. pic.twitter.com/00YECaHB4D

‘ Nathalie Gordon (@awlilnatty) March 3, 2016

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I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

‘ Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 15, 2016

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Maybe people wouldn't fear the bikini so much if it looked less like an angry owl with vagina teeth? pic.twitter.com/vTY6R3OqxH

‘ batkaren (@batkaren) March 14, 2016

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I met a girl who didn't know what a sloppy joe is, so I explained it as a “loose, wet meat sandwich” and neither of us ever recovered.

‘ Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) March 15, 2016

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Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

‘ Michael (@Home_Halfway) March 15, 2016

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I'm gonna feel cheated if I don't die in a manner that inspires topical Halloween costumes.

‘ DC Pierson (@DCpierson) March 16, 2016

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before guns were invented, armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit out until the next war

‘ skateboarding ‘s ANthony Hawk (@hippieswordfish) March 16, 2016

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People who believe that the jumbo screen noise meters at sporting events are real will elect our next President

‘ Jack Burditt (@jackburditt) March 16, 2016

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I mean, Trump isn't THAT bad. At least he *looks down at clipboard* hasn't taken my clipboard

‘ Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) March 16, 2016

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Nice Shawshank. Be a shame if someone………..redeemed it.

‘ Brandon (@UNDEADTRESOR) March 14, 2016

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My fitness goal is to have a hungry man shipwrecked on a desert island mistake me for a hotdog rather than a hamburger.

‘ brans n reese (@bransonreese) March 15, 2016

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[last supper]
Jesus: *raising chalice* let us sup
Judas: what's sup?
Jesus: Not much what's up with you lmao
Judas: this is the last straw

‘ dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 7, 2016

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if leonardo dicaprio was british the pussy posse would’ve been called the fanny pack

‘ libby watson (@libbycwatson) March 15, 2016

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Nobody loves Double Jeopardy more than me, except maybe O.J.

‘ Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) March 4, 2016