By: Jason Flowers
27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #26
Great, here are this week ‘s ‘best ‘ tweets.
just read an article that said highly sarcastic people die younger, which is just fucking great.
‘ chuuch (@ch000ch) March 16, 2016
You should be able to go up to people and ask what their deal is.
‘ Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) March 13, 2016
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I'm great at analogies.
‘ Marl (@Marlebean) October 29, 2013
Best songs that order composers to do things:
1. Rock Me Amadeus
2. Roll Over Beethoven
3. Make Me a Sandwich Brahms
4. Eat a Dick Vivaldi
‘ Rob Cee (@TheRobCee) May 10, 2015
“My tits are up here,” I say, pointing to my birdcage.
‘ KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) March 13, 2016
I always forget that the name “Nancy” is short for “Pregnancy”
‘ Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 17, 2016
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet pic.twitter.com/NxpXhk0NMM
‘ Simone Giertz (@SimoneGiertz) March 16, 2016
The only fun I have in life is spelling my email address, c a s h i e r m u r d e r e r at gmail dot com, when the cashier asks.
‘ A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) March 14, 2016
Me: how much for the wet coffin
Guy: sir that's a kayak
Me: no that thing over there
Guy: oh the wet coffin I'm sorry that's not for sale
‘ JP Lovecraft (@online_shawn) March 13, 2016
The fact that “pier” doesn't define something that is more pie is why the English language fails me.
‘ Concrete blond (@Super_Cynthia) July 27, 2014
If only nature would find a way to cover these oranges so we didn't need to waste so much plastic on them. pic.twitter.com/00YECaHB4D
‘ Nathalie Gordon (@awlilnatty) March 3, 2016
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
‘ Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 15, 2016
Maybe people wouldn't fear the bikini so much if it looked less like an angry owl with vagina teeth? pic.twitter.com/vTY6R3OqxH
‘ batkaren (@batkaren) March 14, 2016
I met a girl who didn't know what a sloppy joe is, so I explained it as a “loose, wet meat sandwich” and neither of us ever recovered.
‘ Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) March 15, 2016
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
‘ Michael (@Home_Halfway) March 15, 2016
I'm gonna feel cheated if I don't die in a manner that inspires topical Halloween costumes.
‘ DC Pierson (@DCpierson) March 16, 2016
before guns were invented, armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit out until the next war
‘ skateboarding ‘s ANthony Hawk (@hippieswordfish) March 16, 2016
People who believe that the jumbo screen noise meters at sporting events are real will elect our next President
‘ Jack Burditt (@jackburditt) March 16, 2016
I mean, Trump isn't THAT bad. At least he *looks down at clipboard* hasn't taken my clipboard
‘ Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) March 16, 2016
Nice Shawshank. Be a shame if someone………..redeemed it.
‘ Brandon (@UNDEADTRESOR) March 14, 2016
My fitness goal is to have a hungry man shipwrecked on a desert island mistake me for a hotdog rather than a hamburger.
‘ brans n reese (@bransonreese) March 15, 2016
Jesus: *raising chalice* let us sup
Judas: what's sup?
Jesus: Not much what's up with you lmao
Judas: this is the last straw
‘ dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 7, 2016
if leonardo dicaprio was british the pussy posse would’ve been called the fanny pack
‘ libby watson (@libbycwatson) March 15, 2016
Nobody loves Double Jeopardy more than me, except maybe O.J.
‘ Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) March 4, 2016
‘Whose Line Is It Anyway?’ Recap. Season 1, Episode 9- 20. ‘The Reveal”
After watching the entire first season I realize that Whose Line is it, Anyway? is a comedy show.
The Death of a Dream
Now that Barack Obama’s long form birth certificate has been released, how will birthers move on with their lives?
New “Bad Guy” Football Teams that Anyone Can Root Against
Every football fan has the team they love, but we also have those teams that we love to hate. Whether it’s crosstown rivals, the division champs, or those perennial powers that need to be taken down a peg, you’ve gotta admit, sometimes it’s just as fun to “boo” as it is to cheer. With that in mind, we’ve come up with nine villainous, despicable teams that anyone can root against, with their mascots based on some of the most annoying, obnoxious, and easy-to-hate things out there. As your dad would say, “Get a load of these bums!”
Christian Bale & Mel Gibson Phone Fight
A clashing of titans as Christian Bale and Mel Gibson take each other on in a battle of wits and profanity over the phone.
What’s Eating Steven Yeun (Episode 2)
Steven Yeun leaves behind his life and love (Sandara Park) in LA to make his mark in his parent’s home country of South Korea. Once there, he connects with a manager who steers him away from acting and insists he make his mark by diving into Korea’s most viral craze, ‘Mokbang’ aka ‘Broadcast Eating’. Director: Yoon Seongho / Darljae