By: Ben Wietmarschen
Easter is almost here which means Lent is almost over! To celebrate, I asked some of my favorite celebrities, ‘What did you give up for Lent this year? ‘ See below for their answers.
‘Trying to convince people on the street that I ‘m Beyonc ‘. ‘
‘This is gonna sound crazy, but I gave up talking. It ‘s amazing how much you learn when you stop gab-gab-gabbin ‘ around for a few weeks. ‘
‘Tweeting while drunk (Instagramming, though? THAT ‘S a different story ‘) ‘
‘What? I wasn ‘t expecting to be included on this list. ‘
‘I gave up smoking. It ‘s been, uuuuhhh, tough, to say the least. Can ‘t wait to wake up Easter Sunday morning and light up a giant blunt. Oh yeah, I don ‘t smoke cigarettes anymore but I do smoke big fat blunts, and you would too. ‘
Batman and Superman
Batman: ‘Um, we actually didn ‘t give anything up we, uhhhh, help me out, Superman. ‘
Superman: ‘Sure, babe. We decided to be nice to ourselves. We chose to say ‘YES ‘ instead of ‘No ‘ or ‘Maybe next time. ‘
Batman: ‘It ‘s a whole new Batman and Superman you ‘re looking at. And, well, I have him to thank. ‘
Superman: ‘Stop it. What do you say we stop gab-gab-gabbing ‘ around and stop some fights or crimes? ‘
Batman: ‘Good idea ‘ ‘
Ed. Note: They did NOT go fight crime, they hardcore made out for 10 minutes.
‘Work work work work work. I ran out of ideas for songs. ‘
‘Flipping people the bird! Looking forward to getting back to flipping people off constantly come Sunday! What can I say? I ‘m a dirtball to my core. ‘
‘I gave up nibbling on my fingernails. Not the fingernails that are connected to my fingers, the jar of fingernails I have on my dresser. Collected from the waste bins of bathrooms of homes I visit. I go into people ‘s home bathrooms saying I need to take a ‘big piss ‘ but really I go collect the fingernail shavings they have in their bathroom wastebasket. I haven ‘t done that for all of Lent and it ‘s driving me crazy. Luckily, I ‘m going to my friend Keith ‘s house for Easter and he always has the biggest fingernail clippings because he ‘s huge and disgusting. So, yeah, it ‘s gonna be a good Easter. ‘
‘AH HELL! LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS! I DON ‘T WANT TO TALK”
Dwayne ‘The Rock ‘ Johnson
New York Mets Pitching Staff
‘We all gave up masturbating. ‘
‘I ‘m usually a bad boy but for Lent I ‘ve been a good boy. Like, I ‘m a good boy now even though I wanna be bad. I don ‘t know how else to explain it. ‘
‘SERIOUSLY, STOP ASKING ME. I ‘M NOT RELIGIOUS OR THIS FAMOUS! ‘
The Surviving Beatles
Paul: ‘Nothing, mate. ‘
Ringo: ‘I gave up nothing too, mate. By the way, thanks for inviting me to this, Paul. ‘
Paul: ‘What? ‘
Ed. Note: I sent a note to Ringo inviting him to a party and signed it ‘From, Paul (from the Beatles). ‘ He thinks Paul invited him to a party but it was really just an interview to ask him what he gave up for Lent. I thought it was funny even though it was a little mean.
Ed. Note: Lewis Black refused to comment again, angrily.