By: Ben Wietmarschen

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What Is The Best Sport?: Second Round Analysis

This is in reference to the Funny Or Die ‘What Is The Best Sport? ‘ bracket!

Holy fucking shit, what a round! The ‘Thick 32 ‘ has given way to the upcoming ‘Sports 16 ‘ in ultra dramatic fashion. We ‘re talking upsets like you ‘ve never even seen, tight scores like you can ‘t even imagine, and drama like you won ‘t even believe.


Reverse Slam Dunk Region

1 Basketball – 70%
9 Jai Alai – 30%

5 Rugby – 67%
4 Swimming – 33%

6 Bowling – 55%
14 Rock Climbing – 45%

10 Modern Pentathlon – 58%
2 Track and Field (Jumps) – 42%

Headball Upper 90 Region

1 Soccer – 63%
8 Wrestling – 37%

5 Track and Field (Decathlon) – 47%
4 Gymnastic – 53%

6 Martial Arts – 34%
14 Capture the Flag – 66%

7 Lacrosse – 18%
2 Hockey – 82%

Bo Jackson Playing Baseball Region

1 Baseball – 52%
8 Ultimate frisbee – 48%

5 Skiing – 39%
13 Table tennis – 61%

11 Snowboard – 75%
3 Track and Field (Throwing) – 25%

10 Bobsled – 24%
15 Dodgeball – 76%

Bo Jackson Playing Football Region

1 Football – 73%
8 Water Polo – 27%

5 Volleyball – 71%
4 Boxing – 29%

11 Surfing – 51%
3 Golf – 49%

10 Triathlon – 60%
2 Track and Field (Racing/Marathon) – 40%


WIPED OUT: All Track and Fields ousted.
Not even Nostradamus in Asics could have seen this coming. The premiere sport of the Summer Olympic Games methodically bounced by the likes of Modern Pentathlon, Snowboarding, Gymnastics, and Triathlon. What is this world coming to when Track and Field is considered farther away from ‘Best ‘ than freaking Snowboarding and mother freaking Modern Pentathlon for gosh sakes? It ‘s sick, it ‘s twisted, you might even call it Madness ‘

UPSET TIME: Surfing skates by gloomy Golf.
It felt like Golf was never long for this tournament anyway. It ‘s boring and for old people who NO ONE wants to see in a swimsuit. Surfing, of course, is the opposite of that. Golf is the last of the so-called ‘Country Club Sports ‘ to fall, making the Blue Blood vs. Blue Collar storyline in this tournament a swift and complete success for the working folk!

AMAZING: Seven double-digit seeds in the ‘Sports 16 ‘
From recess recreation favorites like Capture the Flag and Dodgeball, to Multi-Discipline Endurance tests like Modern Pentathlon and Triathlon, the so-called ‘No Room For These Sports (If You Even Want To Call Them Sports) On TV ‘ sports, are making their presence felt.

KINGS STAY THE KINGS: The 4 Number One seeds (and hockey) all won comfortably.
It ‘s good to be number one ‘both in government and in internet Best Sport tournaments. Hockey is the only number 2 left and all the 3 seeds have been bounced. Does this mean I just did a bad job at seeding these sports? Hell no! What it means is that there are a clear 5 most popular sports and then after that its kind of a big jumbled mess. Also, it means we ‘re close to deciding if baseball or basketball is best. A question America has been waiting to answer since Michael Jordan couldn ‘t figure it out in the 90 ‘s.


*TRENDING UP: Snowboarding
Surprising winner of the ‘Most Dominant Victory ‘ label, Snowboarding has emerged as a force to be reckoned with. Going up against kid brother Dodgeball in the ‘Sports 16 ‘ almost assures snowboarding ‘s spot at the table of the ‘Athletic 8 ‘ next week. How far can Snowboarding go? Could Snowboarding beat Baseball? Could Snowboarding challenge to be the #BestSport? These are the questions America, and Shaun White in particular, are excited to have answered in the next two weeks.

What a fucking disappointment. These ass holes (Cycling, Tennis, Track and Field Throws, and Golf) barely put up a fight. I mean, each of them have at least one regular event that gets MAJOR TV time, Golf and Tennis have 4 Majors A YEAR that normal people talk about, but they can ‘t even get it together enough to beat g.d. Capture the Flag? Capture the fucking FLAG?! America is deeply ashamed of these Sports.


Basketball v. Rugby
In the end, Basketball should overpower Rugby by a good score, but this is the first challenge the game of LeBron James, Hakeem Olajuwon, and Cheryl Swoops has faced. And Rugby ain ‘t no slouch. They don ‘t whine and complain when someone sets a hard screen, they ENJOY knocking each other ‘s teeth out. It ‘s sick, really. But it ‘s also pretty cool. Watch your back, basketball.

Bowling vs. Modern Pentathlon
One of these Sports will be in the ‘Athletic 8 ‘! Seems crazy to think that, but its the truth. I ‘ve said all along that Bowling is a dark horse in this tournament because you can eat chicken fingers while playing.


*FYI: Last week I successfully picked Surfing and Capture the Flag ‘s upset wins.

Capture the Flag will Beat Hockey
This is by far the boldest upset pick anyone has ever made in any context in history, but I ‘m doing it because I believe, deep down in my heart, that there are not that many Hockey fans. I love the sport, but Capture the Flag has that schoolyard appeal that seems to be carrying them well beyond more established sports like Golf, Cricket, and Tennis.


Reverse Slam Dunk Region
1 Basketball – 6 Bowling
Bowling would actually stand a chance against any other sport but the only trick moves Bowling has are throwing the ball between your legs and throwing the ball then turning to your friends and acting like you know it ‘s a strike before the ball reaches the pins even though its a gutter ball. Nothing involving 360 ‘s or even big air alley-oops.

Bo Jackson Playing Baseball Region
1 Baseball – 15 Dodgeball
If Baseball loses this matchup Ken Burns will make ‘Baseball: The Eleventh Inning: Dodgeball: The First Inning ‘ detailing the origins of Dodgeball (some old ass Gym Teacher in Arizona invented it so the big kids could hit the small kids real hard with rubber balls while he watched. What a sick-o ‘).

Headball Upper 90 Region
1 Soccer – 2 Hockey
What a matchup! These two sports have a long history battling each other for American popularity while enjoying unprecedented popularity in their home regions. The winner here basically decides whether the MLS or NHL will have half their teams go bankrupt by the end of the year.

Bo Jackson Playing Football Region
1 Football – 11 Surfing
In many ways, every person you go to college with is either a Football player (beer-smashing party animal) or a Surfer (chill vibe, 420 toker) and this matchup reflects that dichotomy. Anyone looking from the outside will see Football ‘s aggression and brute strength as easily dominant, but anyone who knows a chill vibe, 420 toker knows they have a sneaky way of getting what they want.

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