By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets have all plead ‘Not Guilty. ‘
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker's dozen” *winks*
‘ Terry F (@daemonic3) March 23, 2016
I hope that if I get married my husband won't murder me. But I've watched enough Forensic Files to know: it's going to happen
‘ kid gruesome (@smeagolsfree) March 20, 2016
cops in shorts should only be able to arrest children
‘ Pete Holmes (@peteholmes) March 16, 2016
Can't believe someone died in her legs pic.twitter.com/nIHmAlZEvz
‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) March 23, 2016
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what's the day called?”
me: “bad friday”
‘ k e i t h (@KeetPotato) March 24, 2016
Fun Fact: The mall Easter bunny has a human dick
‘ Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) March 24, 2016
dolphin fact #12: a dolphin is the same shape and size as a really big hot dog with wings
‘ Steve (@WigCannon) March 23, 2016
I like my bridges like I like my… I'm not sure how to do this but the punchline is Nash Bridges, the TV show.
‘ Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) March 24, 2016
potato, or as the ancients called it, butter's car
‘ Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) March 23, 2016
My birthstone is a peanut M&M.
‘ mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 24, 2016
A funny thing to do is to tap on the person in front of you in a theater and say, ‘sorry to bother you, but what are some other movies? ‘
‘ Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) March 24, 2016
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What's your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
“Yeah, me, too.”
‘ Lord P (friendly *neigh*borhood pony) (@HiddenPinky) March 23, 2016
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that ‘s also my reason
‘ the hippo account (@InternetHippo) March 22, 2016
‘ shelby fero (@shelbyfero) March 22, 2016
I've thought about Gwen Stefani being older than Ted Cruz every day since I heard that information.
‘ Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) March 21, 2016
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I ‘ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
‘ Ughhhlexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) September 21, 2015
(On my death bed)
Son, in 2016 I paid 40 bucks for in-flight wifi so I could tweet “homegirl got a waffle pussy” on my way to New York
‘ Might buy an F-250 (@mattytalks) March 22, 2016
I tell my kids is that if a kid tells them, “My dad could beat up your dad”, they should never give that kid our address.
‘ Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 24, 2016
Parents tell you their baby's weight because they have no other information. They can't say “Meet Jim, a free spirit who's into yodeling.”
‘ Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) March 23, 2016
One thing about getting old is forgetting why you have a grudge against someone, which is why you should keep a spreadsheet.
‘ colson whitehead (@colsonwhitehead) March 19, 2016
tfw when you pee too hard and the stream launches you thru the wall and you enter low orbit and coat the earth in a ruinous piss
‘ Homme DeCor (@corypalmer) March 20, 2016
If ghosts aren’t real, then how do you explain the existence of ghosts
‘ Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) March 23, 2016
I wish my dog could sing the Titanic theme
‘ Perfume Genius (@perfumegenius) March 24, 2016