27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #27

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker's dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

‘ Terry F (@daemonic3) March 23, 2016

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I hope that if I get married my husband won't murder me. But I've watched enough Forensic Files to know: it's going to happen

‘ kid gruesome (@smeagolsfree) March 20, 2016

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cops in shorts should only be able to arrest children

‘ Pete Holmes (@peteholmes) March 16, 2016

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Can't believe someone died in her legs pic.twitter.com/nIHmAlZEvz

‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) March 23, 2016

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me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what's the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

‘ k e i t h (@KeetPotato) March 24, 2016

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Fun Fact: The mall Easter bunny has a human dick

‘ Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) March 24, 2016

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dolphin fact #12: a dolphin is the same shape and size as a really big hot dog with wings

‘ Steve (@WigCannon) March 23, 2016

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I like my bridges like I like my… I'm not sure how to do this but the punchline is Nash Bridges, the TV show.

‘ Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) March 24, 2016

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potato, or as the ancients called it, butter's car

‘ Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) March 23, 2016

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My birthstone is a peanut M&M.

‘ mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 24, 2016

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A funny thing to do is to tap on the person in front of you in a theater and say, ‘sorry to bother you, but what are some other movies? ‘

‘ Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) March 24, 2016

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Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What's your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

‘ Lord P (friendly *neigh*borhood pony) (@HiddenPinky) March 23, 2016

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SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that ‘s also my reason

‘ the hippo account (@InternetHippo) March 22, 2016

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Same pic.twitter.com/l6zRMlEkcf

‘ shelby fero (@shelbyfero) March 22, 2016

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I've thought about Gwen Stefani being older than Ted Cruz every day since I heard that information.

‘ Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) March 21, 2016

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Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I ‘ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

‘ Ughhhlexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) September 21, 2015

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(On my death bed)
Son, in 2016 I paid 40 bucks for in-flight wifi so I could tweet “homegirl got a waffle pussy” on my way to New York

‘ Might buy an F-250 (@mattytalks) March 22, 2016

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I tell my kids is that if a kid tells them, “My dad could beat up your dad”, they should never give that kid our address.

‘ Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 24, 2016

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Parents tell you their baby's weight because they have no other information. They can't say “Meet Jim, a free spirit who's into yodeling.”

‘ Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) March 23, 2016

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One thing about getting old is forgetting why you have a grudge against someone, which is why you should keep a spreadsheet.

‘ colson whitehead (@colsonwhitehead) March 19, 2016

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tfw when you pee too hard and the stream launches you thru the wall and you enter low orbit and coat the earth in a ruinous piss

‘ Homme DeCor (@corypalmer) March 20, 2016

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If ghosts aren’t real, then how do you explain the existence of ghosts

‘ Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) March 23, 2016

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I wish my dog could sing the Titanic theme

‘ Perfume Genius (@perfumegenius) March 24, 2016

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I know I have some MC Escher tweets around here somewhere *goes upstairs to basement on roof and turns into a duck*

‘ chRis (@seethenare) March 18, 2016

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Home is where the assortment of piles I'm ignoring is

‘ Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) March 13, 2016

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You have to cherish life, it goes by in a blur. I've been slipping on a banana peel since 1998, just whizzing by everything.

‘ pat tobin (@tastefactory) March 24, 2016

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When I die, at the eulogy I want my boxing coach to walk up coffin, and begin: “One! two! three! four! Five! Six! He's not getting up!”

‘ Garry Shandling (@GarryShandling) May 19, 2011