By: Jason Flowers
Like most good tweets, this week ‘s best tweets are all about this week ‘s best tweets.
It’s 2016, I’m going to stop doing Uptown Funk tweets.
Don’t believe me? Just watch
‘ Kinda Regular Fred (@RegularFred) March 4, 2016
I like Twitter because it combines my two favorite forms of communication: texting, and throwing a note in a bottle out into the sea.
‘ Emo Philips (@EmoPhilips) March 31, 2016
ellen you put this fucking tweet on your show you son of a bitch
‘ steven eggs eggs (@Karate_Horse) November 14, 2014
What if this whole time Patrick Swayze is using Whoopi Goldberg’s body to host The View? What then?
‘ Eldge (@Sickayduh) August 2, 2015
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who watches someone else's cursor moving on a Google Doc and pretends that a ghost is typing.
‘ Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 30, 2016
On your first day in prison walk straight up to the toughest guy in there and ask him if he'd like to download Adobe updates.
‘ Jaz (@jazmasta) March 19, 2016
I put my phone in Airplane mode and now Leslie Nielsen won't leave until I promise to stop calling him Shirley
‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) March 7, 2016
Ladies, if an obnoxious guy keeps insisting you give him your number, take his phone like you're adding your info, then Venmo yourself $4000
‘ R ‘b Fee (@robfee) March 25, 2016
Downloaded some new apps. pic.twitter.com/Yz4K6o5tpE
‘ Ollie Garch: Redux (@ojedge) March 30, 2016
It's jarring when the person in front of you puts that divider between their food & yours, 'cause suddenly they aren't buying your groceries
‘ Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) March 25, 2016
Being an adult is like losing your mom in a department store for years and years until you die.
‘ denise (@Stellacopter) March 23, 2016
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
‘ Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) December 30, 2015
That’s not funny man, my uncle overdosed on chill pills.
‘ God Am (@pippydrydocking) March 26, 2016
went through my dad’s things after he passed I found a list of 200 potential band names that contain the word “dawg” pic.twitter.com/izhPC4rpTG
‘ kelly jean (@kjmeow) March 17, 2016
The couple in front of me in line are dramatically rubbing each other's backs & this is exactly why I wish I carried around a little flute
‘ audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) March 28, 2016
Have Nicholas Cage and John Travolta swapped faces with that app yet?
‘ Dr. Brendon M. Walsh, Attorney-At-Law (@brendonwalsh) March 13, 2016
i think you can be a genius and still be gullible about werewolves
‘ Ughhhlexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) March 31, 2016
I believe it was Dr Martin Luther King who once said, “Life is a highway. And I want to ride it. All night long.”
‘ extremely online guy (@nickmullen) April 1, 2016
if we don't learn from history we are doomed to repeat history if we don't learn from it
‘ skateboarding ‘s ANthony Hawk (@hippieswordfish) February 24, 2016
ME: hey. how was your day
THE EYE THAT FLOATS UNBLINKING, SILENT & UNTETHERED FROM TIME, IN MY KITCHEN:
ME: don't know why I fuckin bother
‘ Mel (@MelKassel) March 18, 2016
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we're in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
‘ Drunk Dreamer (@ElgatoEsmio) February 18, 2016
The thing about those assorted boxes of chocolates is that one of the chocolates is always stuffed with ground beef
‘ Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) March 17, 2016
parent: why did you do this to my child
willy wonka: well you see they tried to eat some chocolate on a tour of a chocolate factory they won
‘ josh (@ruinedpicnic) March 31, 2016
There are several things that concern me about this picture, but mostly it's the graph in the background pic.twitter.com/khvp4cckRr
‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) March 29, 2016
“The fake shark was famously extremely heavy, so it was left in the water during several boat scenes it was not in. It was during one of these times that an actual great white shark met the mechanical one and formed a romantic bond with it.”