27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #28

I like Twitter because it combines my two favorite forms of communication: texting, and throwing a note in a bottle out into the sea.

‘ Emo Philips (@EmoPhilips) March 31, 2016

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ellen you put this fucking tweet on your show you son of a bitch

‘ steven eggs eggs (@Karate_Horse) November 14, 2014

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What if this whole time Patrick Swayze is using Whoopi Goldberg’s body to host The View? What then?

‘ Eldge (@Sickayduh) August 2, 2015

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I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who watches someone else's cursor moving on a Google Doc and pretends that a ghost is typing.

‘ Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 30, 2016

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On your first day in prison walk straight up to the toughest guy in there and ask him if he'd like to download Adobe updates.

‘ Jaz (@jazmasta) March 19, 2016

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I put my phone in Airplane mode and now Leslie Nielsen won't leave until I promise to stop calling him Shirley

‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) March 7, 2016

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Ladies, if an obnoxious guy keeps insisting you give him your number, take his phone like you're adding your info, then Venmo yourself $4000

‘ R ‘b Fee (@robfee) March 25, 2016

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Downloaded some new apps. pic.twitter.com/Yz4K6o5tpE

‘ Ollie Garch: Redux (@ojedge) March 30, 2016

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It's jarring when the person in front of you puts that divider between their food & yours, 'cause suddenly they aren't buying your groceries

‘ Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) March 25, 2016

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Being an adult is like losing your mom in a department store for years and years until you die.

‘ denise (@Stellacopter) March 23, 2016

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I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

‘ Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) December 30, 2015

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That’s not funny man, my uncle overdosed on chill pills.

‘ God Am (@pippydrydocking) March 26, 2016

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went through my dad’s things after he passed I found a list of 200 potential band names that contain the word “dawg” pic.twitter.com/izhPC4rpTG

‘ kelly jean (@kjmeow) March 17, 2016

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The couple in front of me in line are dramatically rubbing each other's backs & this is exactly why I wish I carried around a little flute

‘ audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) March 28, 2016

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Have Nicholas Cage and John Travolta swapped faces with that app yet?

‘ Dr. Brendon M. Walsh, Attorney-At-Law (@brendonwalsh) March 13, 2016

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i think you can be a genius and still be gullible about werewolves

‘ Ughhhlexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) March 31, 2016

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I believe it was Dr Martin Luther King who once said, “Life is a highway. And I want to ride it. All night long.”

‘ extremely online guy (@nickmullen) April 1, 2016

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if we don't learn from history we are doomed to repeat history if we don't learn from it

‘ skateboarding ‘s ANthony Hawk (@hippieswordfish) February 24, 2016

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ME: hey. how was your day
THE EYE THAT FLOATS UNBLINKING, SILENT & UNTETHERED FROM TIME, IN MY KITCHEN:
ME: don't know why I fuckin bother

‘ Mel (@MelKassel) March 18, 2016

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We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we're in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

‘ Drunk Dreamer (@ElgatoEsmio) February 18, 2016

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The thing about those assorted boxes of chocolates is that one of the chocolates is always stuffed with ground beef

‘ Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) March 17, 2016

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parent: why did you do this to my child
willy wonka: well you see they tried to eat some chocolate on a tour of a chocolate factory they won

‘ josh (@ruinedpicnic) March 31, 2016

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There are several things that concern me about this picture, but mostly it's the graph in the background pic.twitter.com/khvp4cckRr

‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) March 29, 2016

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waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup

‘ the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) March 11, 2014

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The worst “would u rather” game is probably the 2016 election

‘ Megan Kelly Dunn (@megankcomedy) March 19, 2016

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To all my haters: me too!

‘ Will Hines (@willhines) March 31, 2016