By: Clara Morris

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Trump Lost Wisconsin! Hoora ‘ Oh God Ted Cruz Won

Good news! Donald Trump lost the Wisconsin primary! This loss gives us a real chance at a contested Republican convention. We are moving closer to escaping the clutches of that racist, sexist, walking, talking tanning bed advisory. And it ‘s all thanks to the Wisconsin republican primary winner ‘ oh. Oh god. Ted Cruz won Wisconsin.

That ‘s hardly better than Trump winning. That ‘s like saying, ‘Don ‘t worry, we replaced the monster under your bed with a monster that has less sharp claws and is always wet to the touch! ‘ That ‘s not a solution, Wisconsin. You guys didn ‘t help the country out at all!

Well, no. Wisconsin helped a little. It ‘s still good Trump lost. We have to weaken him anyway we can. And he ‘s worse than Cruz, right? He ‘s super racist! He wants to ban Muslims from entering the country. The Wisconsin primary sent the message that the people will not support racism!

Oh but wait. Cruz said we should ‘patrol Muslim neighborhoods ‘ after the Brussels attacks. So ‘ that ‘s certainly not less racist. It ‘s just slightly different?

It ‘s like saying, ‘Is your garbage disposal broken and dangerous with blades coming out of the drain trying to cut up your hands? Well, here! Have this other broken garbage disposal where the blades come out of the drain a little less ‘ well no, not less, but they come out of the drain at a different, still very dangerous, angle. ‘ It doesn ‘t really solve your garbage disposal problem or even help at all, does it, Wisconsin?!

Thanks for nothing ‘ well not nothing ‘ that ‘s not fair. Thanks for not voting for Trump. We cannot have him as the Republican nominee. I mean, the guy is completely sexist. And Wisconsin rejected misogyny!

Although ‘ Cruz is anti-choice and voted not to reauthorize the Violence Against Women Act. But he doesn ‘t publicly insult woman for menstruating. Cruz just supports legislation that ‘s bad for women. Is that better? Is it better to have a rabid raccoon hiss and spit at you before it bites you, or have a rabid raccoon nod at you politely and then bite you?

Either way you ‘re getting bitten by a raccoon, so does it really matter? I guess not. Especially considering that both candidates would repeal Obamacare, making it difficult to get proper raccoon bite treatment.

So, OK, never mind. There is no good news. Sorry I brought it up.

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