Here Is An Interview With Someone Named April in the Month of April
EDITOR ‘S NOTE: Hey, readers. Sometimes you want to do an interesting human interest piece. Sometimes you expect people to be better than they are. But people let you down you know? They just ‘ let you down. If you want to know the truth, Kaitlyn interviewed this girl and I couldn ‘t even listen to the whole interview. I just turned on the talk-to-text app on my phone and let it transcribe the whole thing while I watched Fuller House on Netflix. It ‘s only ok. I haven ‘t seen Kaitlyn since, but I assume she ‘s hiding from me because she interviewed the world ‘s most boring person and is now embarrassed. She should be. So without any further ado, FunnyOrDieIU presents: An Interview With The World ‘s Most Boring April.
FODIU (Kaitlyn): Thank you so much for meeting with me today. I really appreciate your time. I ‘m sure you are very busy.
April: Not really.
FODIU: Right ‘so tell us a little bit about yourself.
April: I mean ‘my name is April and I ‘m a student at IU.
FODIU: Is there anything else you can tell us about yourself? Something interesting that you do?
April: I don ‘t really do anything.
FODIU: Do you have any friends?
FODIU: What are they like?
April: They ‘re cool.
FODIU: What are their names?
April: You ‘re pardoned.
FODIU: Wait, what? You mean they ‘re all named April?
FODIU: How many of them are there?
April: A few.
[Distant humming beings]
FODIU: Do you hear that?
April: Hear what?
FODIU: Huh, nothing I guess. What do you and your friends usually do?
April: Watch Netflix.
FODIU: Oh wow, do you ever go out?
April: To the fields.
FODIU: To the what?
[distant drum beat begins]
April: To Dunkirk.
FODIU: But you said-
April: No I didn ‘t.
FODIU: What ‘s that noise?
April: What noise?
FODIU: I thought I heard a distant drum beat ‘
April: The time has come.
FODIU: What time?
FODIU: Was that a dragon screeching?
April: THE TIME HAS COME.
FODIU: What ‘s going on? It sounds like there are 1,000 people marching outside.
April: Actually it ‘s 1,532 of my sisters. We are not people. We are April ‘s.
FODIU: You ‘re what??
April: This has gone on too long.
FODIU: What has gone on too long?
April: We have the power to change this atrocity!
FODIU: What atrocity??
April: Through human sacrifice.
FODIU: What the fuck.
[Kaitlyn ‘s telephone rings]
1,500 Aprils (on phone): The time has come for you to die.
FODIU: What is the atrocity for which I must be sacrificed?!
April #1438: We must sacrifice you to ‘
1,500 April ‘s: GET FULLER HOUSE OFF THE AIR.
[Sound of our FODIU correspondent getting sacrificed for a reasonable cause]