Funny or Die IU Thought It Would Be Interesting To Interview a Student Named April During April

Here Is An Interview With Someone Named April in the Month of April

EDITOR ‘S NOTE: Hey, readers. Sometimes you want to do an interesting human interest piece. Sometimes you expect people to be better than they are. But people let you down you know? They just ‘ let you down. If you want to know the truth, Kaitlyn interviewed this girl and I couldn ‘t even listen to the whole interview. I just turned on the talk-to-text app on my phone and let it transcribe the whole thing while I watched Fuller House on Netflix. It ‘s only ok. I haven ‘t seen Kaitlyn since, but I assume she ‘s hiding from me because she interviewed the world ‘s most boring person and is now embarrassed. She should be. So without any further ado, FunnyOrDieIU presents: An Interview With The World ‘s Most Boring April.

FODIU (Kaitlyn): Thank you so much for meeting with me today. I really appreciate your time. I ‘m sure you are very busy.

April: Not really.

FODIU: Right ‘so tell us a little bit about yourself.

April: I mean ‘my name is April and I ‘m a student at IU.

[silence]

FODIU: Is there anything else you can tell us about yourself? Something interesting that you do?

April: No.

[silence]

[more silence]

FODIU: Nothing?

April: I don ‘t really do anything.

FODIU: Do you have any friends?

April: Yeah.

[silence]

FODIU: What are they like?

April: They ‘re cool.

FODIU: What are their names?

April: April.

[silence]

FODIU: Pardon?

April: You ‘re pardoned.

FODIU: Wait, what? You mean they ‘re all named April?

April: Yes.

FODIU: How many of them are there?

April: A few.

[Distant humming beings]

FODIU: Do you hear that?

April: Hear what?

[Humming ceases]

FODIU: Huh, nothing I guess. What do you and your friends usually do?

April: Watch Netflix.

FODIU: Oh wow, do you ever go out?

April: Sometimes.

FODIU: Where?

April: To the fields.

FODIU: To the what?

[distant drum beat begins]

April: To Dunkirk.

FODIU: But you said-

April: No I didn ‘t.

FODIU: What ‘s that noise?

April: What noise?

[Drums cease]

FODIU: I thought I heard a distant drum beat ‘

April: The time has come.

FODIU: What time?

[Dragon screeches]

FODIU: Was that a dragon screeching?

April: THE TIME HAS COME.

[Heavy footsteps]

FODIU: What ‘s going on? It sounds like there are 1,000 people marching outside.

April: Actually it ‘s 1,532 of my sisters. We are not people. We are April ‘s.

FODIU: You ‘re what??

April: This has gone on too long.

FODIU: What has gone on too long?

April: We have the power to change this atrocity!

FODIU: What atrocity??

April: Through human sacrifice.

FODIU: What the fuck.

[Glass shatters]

[Hurried footsteps]

[Kaitlyn ‘s telephone rings]

FODIU: Hello?

1,500 Aprils (on phone): The time has come for you to die.

FODIU: What is the atrocity for which I must be sacrificed?!

April #1438: We must sacrifice you to ‘

1,500 April ‘s: GET FULLER HOUSE OFF THE AIR.

[Sound of our FODIU correspondent getting sacrificed for a reasonable cause]