BREAKING: DANGEROUS CRIMINAL AT LARGE

“The Damp Danger ‘ Rocks Campus With Fear

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Though Indiana University is revered for its beautiful limestone buildings- a darkness lies just a few blocks away from campus. It has been sending chills down the spines of students and local residents alike.

As of yesterday evening, a man that students have come to know as “The Damp Danger ‘ has been at large. According to eyewitness reports, The Danger claims his victims by leaving out his wet bath towel at parties. The drunken partygoers mistake it for a fluffy, dry hand towel and attempt to dry their hands on it, resulting in a grotesque violation of the victims ‘ most basic human rights.

Brian Prescott, one such victim, had a lot to say on the matter when we asked him about his traumatic experience.

“Like, it really sucked, man. Cause, like, I was just at this super dope house party. I was having fun, chugged like nine beers, and I had to, like, break the seal, you know? And after I washed my hands, I saw this towel just hanging there so I thought to myself, ‘Hey, you should totally wipe your hands on that. ‘ But when I did, it was super damp and I realized it was somebody ‘s bath towel just hanging there, pretending to be a hand towel. And all I could think about was the stranger ‘s naked butt and ween that had, like, just been on it. ‘

‘ Poor Brian

A travesty.

We also had the opportunity to interview one of the alleged felon ‘s roommates, Craig McCainn.

“Look, guys, I always tell him to put his towel away. I always keep a hand towel in there, but he just drapes his bath towel over it so people get confused. I ‘ve accidentally dried my hands on it like a million times. And it ‘s frustrating, yeah, but it ‘s just something that you learn to live with. I can talk to him about it when he gets home. ‘

‘ Hero. Defender. Craig.

Craig is truly a paragon of hope in an otherwise dismal world and we can only pray that the perpetrator returns home soon to receive his scolding. Eyewitnesses have reported “The Damp Danger ‘ to be an undergrad around 6 ‘2 ‘ and has been described as smelling fresh like an Irish meadow.

Please, be on the lookout for this at-large terror, as the IUPD have told us repeatedly that this is “not a real crime ‘ and that they “aren ‘t in charge of enforcing the death penalty ‘. It now falls upon the students and faculty of Indiana University to hang this criminal out to dry.

This article was written by Sophomore Sara Highers. Sara prides herself on her vast collection of dinosaur toys and her ability to go for extended periods of time without ingesting a single vegetable. She is a zero-time heavyweight champion majoring in both theatre and telecommunications. Find her on Twitter @Sara_Highers.