27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #30

When the Utah Jazz play it's more about the shots they aren't making

‘ Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) April 15, 2016

---

America's slow but very real decline into a fascist state as told by the Milwaukee Bucks logo pic.twitter.com/UTVsEyq3kg

‘ Alexander Cesario Siquig (@ThomasAwful) April 9, 2016

---

the guy who invented tennis balls is probably like “no no no no” when he sees a crippled person with a walker

‘ everett byram (@rad_milk) April 13, 2016

---

I love playing catch with my dad. he’s fucking heavy though

‘ josh (@ruinedpicnic) April 8, 2016

---

I can still fit into the insecurity I wore in high school.

‘ elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) April 13, 2016

---

Someone pointed out that “oh my god, becky, look at her butt” passes the bechdel test and I haven't stopped laughing for a week

‘ Krinkle (@Krinkle8) February 9, 2015

---

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds pic.twitter.com/U3CX3Gcb0V

‘ pat tobin (@tastefactory) April 10, 2016

---

I think a cool idea for a TV show would be surgeon who is good at managing his relationships and personal life but is terrible at his job.

‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) April 14, 2016

---

a big pet peeve i have is when literally anything happens

‘ the hippo account (@InternetHippo) April 11, 2016

---

The new first base is when you decide you hate most of the same people.

‘ Kashana (@kashanacauley) April 12, 2016

---

FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having a blast! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”

‘ Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) April 10, 2016

---

I'm still mad that this didn't win the New Yorker caption contest five years ago. pic.twitter.com/iSTpQXikWy

‘ Nate Fernald (@natefernald) April 11, 2016

---

Ciabatta be bad, ciabatta be bold, ciabatta be wiser
Ciabatta be hard, ciabatta be tough, ciabatta be stronger

‘ Daniel Spenser (@DanSpenser) April 12, 2016

---

you know rhe trick where you order pizza and yell when it arrives so they think you're sharing with friends? yeah it doesn't work at chili's

‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) April 13, 2016

---

You think banana peels on the floor are funny but I worked in a banana peel factory for 14 yrs and 88% of my friends are paralyzed.

‘ Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) April 13, 2016

---

Tjhis guy fucking sucks pic.twitter.com/ZL67sQF6zm

‘ wint (@dril) April 8, 2016

---

Guys Jared leto's joker is SO raw I heard he watched 2 family guy episodes before each take. And not just the old stuff. NEW episodes

‘ Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) April 14, 2016

---

I bet when Anne Hathaway's baby boy started crying, doctors called him desperate and overrated.

‘ Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) April 8, 2016

---

Yeah, OK pic.twitter.com/gW91TMoIkB

‘ Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis ‘ Wilson (@MaraWilson) April 12, 2016

---

Someone stole my new glasses out of the mail. I would be angry if I weren't so inspired by how far people will go to get my look

‘ Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) April 12, 2016

---

It's super easy to get quoted in The New York Times. pic.twitter.com/pcyodXQGSw

‘ Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) April 10, 2016

---

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

‘ chuuch (@ch000ch) April 8, 2016

---

Heads up, your network name is also a way to rate things. pic.twitter.com/SQpm49GC4P

‘ Ally Hord (@hordie) April 2, 2016

---

what about watching eight dog riding skateboard videos in a row makes youtube ads think i'm in any position in life to buy a fucking lexus

‘ rob whisman (@robwhisman) April 10, 2016

---

ME: My dog's so happy I'm working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

‘ Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 30, 2016

---

“My dog is a *rescue*, but really, *I'm* the one who is a *dog*.”

‘ Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) April 12, 2016

---

If foot size is any indication, Goofy has a big ol dick.

‘ Betsy Sodaro (@BirdySoderdy) April 12, 2016