By: Funny Or Die

Dad Uses Twitter To Show What A Nightmare Having Four Daughters Can Be

Funny Or Die April 19, 2016

If you aren ‘t already a #dad, then surely you ‘ve wondered your whole entire life just what it would be like to be one. Dads are the coolest, second only to #moms and unlikely animal friendships.

ANYWAYS, one dad, who happens to be a very funny dad named James Breakwell, has been honored with the task of raising four daughters and is documenting it on his hilarious twitter account.

5-year-old: I drew a llamaman.

Me: What's that?

5: *rolls her eyes* A man who's a llama, Dad.

I have so much to learn about everything.

‘ James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2016

Me: Why are you crying?

3-year-old: Penguins can ‘t talk.

Now we ‘re both crying.

‘ James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 30, 2016

There were some who said I couldn't be cool AND be a dad.

They were right. pic.twitter.com/BrjvtXQBcD

‘ James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 23, 2015

Toddler: *spills an entire bowl of popcorn and then eats it off the floor*

5-year-old: Stop it!

Me: Let her go. I don't want to vacuum.

‘ James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2016

5-year-old: I don't want to go to school.

Me: Come on. It'll be fun.

[hours later]

5-year-old: What else did you lie about?

‘ James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 26, 2016

I took the day off work to hang out with my 5-year-old.

She just told me “I need some alone time” and turned on Netflix

I'm raising myself

‘ James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2016

Me: Why are you being so loud?

5-year-old: We're doing a fashion show

Me: So why are you yelling?

5: We're also witches so we kill people

‘ James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2016

I was so proud of my kids for not touching the Tupperware container full of cupcakes.

Then I opened it. pic.twitter.com/zQS4VaH637

‘ James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2015

3-year-old daughter: A boy at daycare said he likes me.

Me: Do you like him back?

3: He colors outside the lines. He needs to grow up.

‘ James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 15, 2016

Me: You can't like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad.

5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it.

I'm never sleeping again.

‘ James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 11, 2016

Yes, I pulled off the pudding heist.

I would have gotten away with it, too, if I didn’t get stuck in the damn chair pic.twitter.com/OhGCMA3dSM

‘ Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 6, 2016

Me: WHO BROKE THE END TABLE?!

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: I'm pretty sure it was always like that. pic.twitter.com/ZTHr4YXFMI

‘ James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 16, 2016

[reading “Hansel and Gretel”]

Me: Would you want to live in a gingerbread house?

5-year-old: Does it have Wi-Fi?

‘ James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2016

h/t someecards

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Key & Peele’s Exclusive New Sketch From Their Next Season Is A Reminder Of Our Shameful History

News!, Funny Or Die July 1, 2015

Do you remember, not so long ago, when our country didn’t allow all people the right to marry? It seems like lightyears away, but Key & Peele’s newest sketch brings us back to that reality.

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Matt Walsh and the Sklar Brothers – Loco-mercials: Sportz Edition – @midnight with Chris Hardwick

@midnight January 30, 2015

Matt Walsh, Randy Sklar and Jason Sklar guess which products pro athletes are advertising in awkward local commercials. Watch full episodes of @midnight now: http://on.cc.com/17MOT5T

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Bad Breath Stick Up

5 Minute Productions January 26, 2015

The guys from the office send a message. Use a Freekin Breath Mint!!!

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Act Like a Limey, Think Like a Yank: CITIES

WeAreThomasse February 2, 2017

In this monthly comedic culture guide, The Limey (a British chap) and the Yank (an American gal), navigate you through the distinctions of British and American culture. Episode one, “Cities”, visits London and New York through the eyes of an excited tourist, like an episode of Rick Steves… if Rick Steves were an honest millennial. Subscribe for more videos from We Are Thomasse being released every other week! http://www.youtube.com/user/wearethomasse?sub_confirmation=1 Support We Are Thomasse making videos at patreon.com/wearethomasse! Subscribe for more videos from Man Powered Films https://www.youtube.com/user/Manpoweredfilms Created by Man Powered Films and We Are Thomasse Written by Mark Philip Lichtenstein & Zoe Samuel (Man Powered Films) and Nick Afka Thomas & Sarah Ann Masse (We Are Thomasse) Starring: Sarah Ann Masse and Nick Afka Thomas Director: Mark Philip Lichtenstein Produced by Man Powered Films & We Are Thomasse Director of Photography: Mark Philip Lichtenstein Editor: Mark Philip Lichtenstein Audio Supervisor: Mark Philip Lichtenstein http://www.wearethomasse.com Twitter @WeAreThomasse Facebook facebook.com/wearethomasse Instagram @WeAreThomasse Patreon.com/wearethomasse

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How May We Hate You?

papercuts August 26, 2016

Meet the awful residents of this New York hotel, and the concierges who hate them. Read the book! http://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/251435/how-may-we-hate-you-by-anna-drezen-and-todd-dakotah-briscoe/9780553448344/

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Tom Brady’s Wicked Accent

Under Armour, Tom Brady May 27, 2012

Here’s a little known fact: Tom Brady is NOT from Boston. He’s also a pretty good quarterback.

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