Leaked Transcript Of Hillary’s Goldman Sachs Speech

Hillary Clinton got paid a lot of money to give speeches to Goldman Sachs, and she doesn ‘t want to let people know what she said. The New York Times even called for Clinton to release the transcripts after endorsing her campaign. We were able to obtain a transcript of one of the speeches below and, well, we understand why Hillary was trying to keep it a secret.

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Good evening, Goldman Sachs!

(HOLD FOR APPLAUSE)

Wall Street clapping for a Democrat? Hope nobody pulls anything!

(HOLD FOR LAUGHTER)

Well you fellas may not like me, but your checkbooks sure do!

(HOLD FOR LAUGHTER)

But seriously, I know what you ‘re thinking: after all the hundreds of thousands of dollars you ‘ve paid me to be here and the hundreds of thousands more that you ‘ve donated to my campaigns and foundations, how can you trust that I ‘ll ‘play ball ‘ once I become President? Oops! I meanif I become President.

(HOLD FOR LAUGHTER)

Well, how about this? As a sign of good faith, I ‘ll tell you a little story about myself so embarrassing, so incriminating that if it ever got out, my political career would be in ruins. I don ‘t want to give it away just yet, but let ‘s just say it involves the Secret Service, my top coming off, and a whole lotta barbecue sauce.

(HOLDS FOR INTRIGUED SILENCE)

Now, something you may not know about ol ‘ Hillary is that she is a barbecue freak. I done got ‘bit by the pit ‘ when Bill was Governor of Arkansas. What was supposed to be a quick little campaign photo-op at a local smoke joint ended 16 hours later with me trying to suck the cartilage out of a pig spine. Ever since then this ‘cue hound has had a serious case of ‘cue fever.

But for the last few months of my stint as Secretary of State, Obama banned me from gettin ‘ my ‘cue on. You see, a lot of that Benghazi mess happened because I was busy trying to make a DIY smoker out of two terra cotta planters and an electric burner.

I keep a handle on my ‘cue cravings for a few weeks, but one day I just go ‘cue crazy and send an aid out to ‘Stubby ‘s ‘ to pick me up three pulled pork sandwiches. The second she gets back, I stuff two heaps of hot meat into the seat of my pants, wedge another between my tits, and high-tail it to the bathroom so I can pig out in peace.

Y ‘all make fun of the way I dress, but there ain ‘t no better way to smuggle ‘cue than a loose-fitting pantsuit.

Anywho, the whole West Wing must of stunk of hickory smoke ’cause before I can even tuck in, Secret Service is trying to bang down the bathroom door.

Now here I am, Secretary of State, trapped in the shitter with a butt full of BBQ. In a ‘cue panic, I climb up on the can and start to crawl out the bathroom window, coconut first.

I ‘m about to push my rump over the hump when I feel my pants catch on a nail. I try and do a little jiggly wiggly, but the only thing that ‘s comin ‘ loose is the pound of piggly in my pants and it ‘s making one hell of a mess.

So now I ‘m stuck hanging half-way out of the stinker with a pant-full of pork one side and a slow-cooked treat hanging out my teets on the other when Bo and Sunny Obama comes ’round the corner of the Rose Garden. One sniff and these pups know I ‘m packing pork in my perkies. Those lil ‘ sons-of-bitches sink their teeth into my jacket sleeves, give one hard tug, and pull my top clean off.

Right then, two Secret Service agents bust down the bathroom door and come face to face with whats gotta look like a Mississippi Mudslide comin ‘ outta my backside. Then two more come around the outside to find a couple of Portuguese Water Dogs nose deep in my ‘Taconic State Twins. ‘

Pretty bad, huh? Well, just feel free to drop that lil ‘ stinker of a story if you ever think this ol ‘ cue dog is getting out of line!