By: Funny Or High

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High Article #6: The Novelization Of Back To The Future From Someone Who ‘s Celebrating 4/20

DISCLAIMER: I haven ‘t seen the movie in a while and I ‘ve been taking part in 4/20 day. I realize that this very similar to Drunk History, but given that that was a Funny Or Die property I think the IP is okay. Hear that lawyers? The IP Is okay.

Alright, so the movie begins in Doc ‘s house. It ‘s got a lot of clocks. Like a ton of clocks. I totally just got that they ‘re meant to hit home the theme of time. I think there ‘s also a rube goldberg machine of sorts and you follow it as it does its thing. I think it makes an egg. But nobody eats it. You get the impression that whoever owns this house (The Doc) is not home.

Here are the clocks. We get it. This movie ‘s about time.

(I chose this still in case you forgot who we ‘re dealing with here)

But then Marty walks in. You see him pussy foot around and walk in and look through the Doc ‘s stuff. Real invasion of privacy going on here, but you ‘re okay with it because he ‘s got a skateboard. Thus we know he ‘s cool.

The phone rings and it ‘s the Doc. I don ‘t know what he tells him. Probably like ‘meet me at 1am at the Twin Pines mall ‘ and Marty ‘s like ‘Doc, for what? ‘. Then i bet the Doc was like ‘there ‘s no time. ‘ But then Marty was like wait, Doc, what time is it now? You see, Marty ‘s been looking at a ton of the clocks thus that ‘s why it ‘s on his mind. The Doc tells him the time and Marty ‘s like ‘What? I ‘m late for school. ‘

That ‘s your first indication that Marty ‘s kind of a square and not as cool as he ‘s made out to be. fuck school.

So Marty gets to school and his girlfriend Jennifer ‘s waiting for him. ‘Strickland waiting for you. This ‘ll be your 10th tardy this year. ‘ Who the fuck talks like that. Another tardy.

So Strickland, who sure, is a bit over the top with his actions and demeanor, but ultimately justified in his disappointment in Marty, catches him. He tells him ‘You ‘re a slacker. Your father was a slacker. ‘ So there ‘s a father, you say. Interesting twist.

Then Marty goes to his audition for battle of the bands. This i don ‘t really understand ‘ are there auditions for an audition competition? This movie, which i do love, is kind of flawed. Then Marty, who we ‘re told is a fucking chill dude, is like ‘i don ‘t know if i can do this. what if they tell me i ‘m no good. ‘ Cool. Real rock and roll. Also, remember that line.

Marty and his band, the pinheads, takes the stage. They ‘re gonna rock, right? Blow the minds of the judges. Incorrect. They get like 3 notes in and Huey Lewis tells them ‘I ‘m sorry boys, it ‘s just too loud. ‘ Okay ‘.. now we ‘re getting some rock cred back.

Here ‘s Mr. News in all his cameo glory.

Oh, totally forgot about something. To get to school from The Doc ‘s, Marty got on a skateboard and because he was late, held on to the back of cars while skateboarding to go faster. It ‘s kind of his thing.

Okay for this next part, i ‘m a little hazy. So I apologize in advance if i ‘m incorrect on some details. Marty and Jennifer are in the town square chatting it up about some buillshit. I think they ‘re talking about their big camping weekend which seems in doubt. But when it comes down to it, this scene ‘s about establishing their rapport. Jennifer and Marty realy click and you know what, they ‘re clearly in love. More on this in a few minutes.

Right when they ‘re about to make out, this old woman (maybe she was old, i dunno, i think she was), straight up cock blocks Marty and shoves a flier in their faces. It says Save The Clocktower, which is in reference to the Hill Valley clock tower which was struck by lightning in 1955. That ‘s another date for everyone to keep in the backs of their minds.

So then Jennifer tells Marty she ‘s spending the night at her aunt ‘s house. i think Marty gets a little too upset at this. I don ‘t know, I may be making that up. Either way, Jennifer writes him a note on the back of the flier. It says ‘I love you ‘ and her phone number which is odd because doesn ‘t marty know her phone number by now?

This flier will come in to play later. Also he shoves it into 50s The Doc ‘s face at some point and is like ‘look at this, Doc. that says it all. ‘ Like some scientist cares about a teenager ‘s crush.

Okay this point, i ‘m getting distracted because people are going to watch Star Wars. I may go watch that.

Anyway, Marty goes home and his sad family is there. His brother and sister are arguing because his sister got a phone call from a guy, perhaps Craig or perhaps Greg. She asks if it was from Greg or Craig and he doesn ‘t remember because he can ‘t keep track of her boyfriends.

OH! Earlier when I said that the camping trip may have been in doubt, that ‘s not the case yet. I just remembered that Biff shows up that night with their car and it ‘s completely crashed. I don ‘t know why he had the car that Marty was going to drive, but that ‘s the case. And Biff does not even care! How does he apologize for wrecking the car? By telling Marty ‘s Dad, George (remember he was referenced earlier by Strickland), that if he does his company reports in his handwriting, he ‘s going to get in trouble. Then he knocks on George McFly ‘s head and asks if anyone is home.

That ‘s up for debate.

So they eat a depressing dinner. Ugh, Marty ‘s mom is the worst. Everyone ‘s sad. The only enjoyment George can derive from life is when he watches a rerun of an episode of The Honeymooners and absolutely loses his shit.

Cut to Marty sleeping like an idiot.

Marty oversleeps i think and wakes up it ‘s the middle of the night and he ‘s like ‘oh no the doc. ‘ I wonder if this is technically an internship for Marty. And if so, it feels like a bit of a labor violation to have him working these types of hours. Also did he ever call Jennifer on that mystery number.

So he grabs his skateboard and gets down to the Twin Pines mall.

Alright. I need a break. I do plan on finishing this. But i ‘ve written what probably amounts to 3 pages of a word doc of this movie and I ‘m probably only in like the fourth scene.

I ‘m gonna go watch Star Wars.

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