Film Exec: “Women Can’t Direct Movies Because They Put In Too Much Kissing”

A report came out this week that Fox and Paramount have not one female director slated for any of their movies through 2018. We got an exclusive interview with 20th Century Fox executive, Jim Delancey, to discuss the problem.

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FOD: So Jim, why are there no women directing any of the upcoming 25 movies for 20th Century Fox?

Jim: Well, obviously we can ‘t have a woman direct because none of our movies are big kissing movies.

FOD: Sorry, kissing? What do you mean by that?

Jim: Well, everyone knows female directors love filling their movies top to bottom with kissing scenes. You get a female director on board and suddenly the script is just scene after scene of the main actress batting her eyes at a hunky lead and getting dipped and kissed. Look, we ‘re not sexist. We ‘re practical. When the public wants kissing movies again like in the 90s, we ‘ll have a ton of female directors on board.

FOD: So you think that female directors make everything about kissing?

Jim: Of course! Have you ever been on set with a female director? I haven ‘t, but I ‘ve heard they ‘re always stopping the take like, ‘Cut, cut! That was great, but next time, let ‘s do it with kissing. And make it steamy. ‘ We just can ‘t have a gal director using up time on set to get Wolverine to kiss Magneto. Not only does that not make sense, but we don ‘t have the budget for it.

FOD: What about the Hurt Locker? That ‘s an Academy Award-winning film directed by a woman. There ‘s no kissing.

Jim: Yeah, but the editor did that. I haven ‘t seen it, but I guarantee if you watch the director ‘s cut it ‘s five minutes of diffusing IEDs and two hours of Jeremy Renner smooching everyone in sight.

FOD: A woman directed Wayne ‘s World.

Jim: No, see, that ‘s another spoof from the movie.

FOD: Brave is an animated movie directed by a woman. So there ‘s just hours of animation in a drawer somewhere of animated characters kissing?

Jim: Makes sense to me.

FOD: Okay, so, women just get on set and completely forget about the story?

Jim: Exactly. Listen, I ‘m not saying it ‘s their fault. Women just love kissing, so naturally a female director is going to be creatively interested in that.

FOD: Okay, so why not just make a movie that ‘s only kissing? 50% of the population will flock to see it if that ‘s true.

Jim: We talk about this all the time in the private Fox Executive Spa and Whole Foods! The problem is, there ‘s nowhere to go from there. You have to leave ’em wanting more.

FOD: Okay, so I ‘m guessing you don ‘t have plans to hire more female directors in the near future?

Jim: No. Unless Marvel comes up with a kissing crazed super villain. Hey Travis, write that down. Or rom-coms make a comeback.

FOD: But rom-coms aren ‘t just about kissing.

Jim: But there ‘s a ton of kissing in them. Nora Ephron would just direct the kissing scenes, and then they ‘d bring in another guy to direct the rest of the movie. But she was the best in the biz at kissing, so she got top billing.

FOD: That ‘s not true.

Jim: I ‘m pretty sure it is. Occasionally there ‘s a kiss in something like Mazerunner, and I ‘ll offer those scenes to Sofia Coppola, but she always turns me down for some reason.

FOD: Listen, why do you think female directors make movies about kissing?

Jim: It ‘s a fact! Women love kissing. Take my wife, for example. She ‘s been going around town kissing other men for years. And as she ‘s explained to me over and over, it ‘s a female biological imperative.

FOD: Do you have a daughter?

Jim: Yes, my little angel. Madison is 6.

FOD: What if she came to you and said she wanted to be a director?

Jim: Maddie is going to be a model.

FOD: I see. Thanks for your time.

Jim: Of course. And when you write this up, make sure to transcribe the recording. Don ‘t try to get creative because then you ‘ll just write that we kissed and my wife will be so mad at me.