By: Nate Dern

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Business Leaders Tell UN To Decriminalize All Drugs. Especially Cocaine.

A coalition of business leaders constituting the Global Commission on Drug Policy told the United Nations in a special session that global drug policy was “fatally flawed ‘ and that governments should decriminalize all drugs. See below for a voicemail from one business leader who couldn ‘t make the session but who felt especially strongly about the decriminalization of one particular drug.

Hello? I think this is a voice mail recording I ‘m leaving? Cool. Cool cool cool.
This is Tad Runderjon, just calling to to put in my two cents about our proposal to the United Nations to decriminalize all drugs. Just wanted to let y'all know that I agree we should decriminalize drugs. Especially cocaine.

Whoa! I feel good. This phone feels amazing in my hand right now. Woo! When I heard that we were going to make this proposal, I said to myself, “So cocaine is free and encouraged now? ‘ and then I answered myself, “BASICALLY YES!!! ‘

Sorry I have to leave these thoughts as a voicemail instead of in person like I was supposed to do with all of the other business leaders! Me and some of the other advertising VPs went out after this little shindig we had last night and, well, I missed my flight. I think. Not totally sure what day it is. Oh my God I ‘m not sure if you can even hear the words I ‘m saying over the sound of my heart beating! Holy holy, can you hear it? I feel like you must be able to. I can feel it beating in my throat and my gums!

Anyway, yes, just wanted to say that I agree that we need to reevaluate drug policy. Okay, I ‘m going to run in place and put the phone on speaker and shout out a few thoughts now!

Current drug policy CREATES violence by creating a market for cartels in places like Mexico, Colombia and Guatemala to thrive! In Mexico alone, 164,000 drug-related homicides took place between 2007 and 2014! Guatemala is fun to say! GUA-TE-MA-LA! My gums feel amazing! I am just running my tongue on my gums and it feels AMAZING!


Studies show that nations that focus on treatment of addiction instead of punishing users have better social and economic outcomes! 14 years after decriminalizing all drugs, Portugal is saving tons of money and doing better than ever by most measures! PORTUGAL IS SO COOL! Have you heard how Portuguese people speak? It sounds so awesome.


Over the past four decades, the United States has wasted over $1 trillion on a drug war that has failed to keep people from doing drugs! That is insanity! INSANITY! I AM INSANITY! I BET I CAN PUNCH A HOLE IN THIS WALL!!!!


[smashing sound]


Oh shit. Oh shit. I broke my hand.

That is hilarious!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Anyway, thank you for listening to this voicemail, United Nations. Or wait, did I call the United Nations? Or did I call my business leader friends to tell them to tell all of this to the United Nations. I can ‘t even remember. Hahahahahah oh man I ‘m really sweating!!! I wish I could go back in time and watch myself making this phone call so I could remember who I called. Whoa – I just had a great idea for an invention: A TELEPHONE!!! Wait, I mean: A TIME MACHINE!

In conclusion, please please please decriminalize all drugs but especially cocaine because I am cocaine and I don ‘t want to go to jail again because I have too many ideas to tell people and I could talk forever! PLEASE AND THANK YOU!

(image via)

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