27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #31

“Im going to Coachella BOTH weekends.” – drug addicts

‘ Jensen Karp (@JensenClan88) April 22, 2016

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Lin-Manuel Miranda needs two different t-shirts that say “Mr. Write”? pic.twitter.com/rYnWe0Tr56

‘ Dave King (@DaveKingThing) April 20, 2016

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gf: do you want to try role playing?

me (role playing as someone who would be into that): yes

‘ Hippo (@InternetHippo) April 22, 2016

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Apparently pineapple juice makes cum taste better but for me it just ruins the pineapple juice.

‘ Daniel Townes (@danieltownes) December 17, 2013

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PREGNANT WIFE: let's have sex

ME: but… but what if my penis hits the baby?

PREGNANT WIFE: [rolls her eyes so hard she goes into labor]

‘ rob elliott (@rockymomax) April 22, 2016

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Baby airplane: “where do baby airplanes come from?”
Mommy airplane: “we push em out our airplane vaginas.”

‘ Hawlk (@the_hawlk) October 31, 2015

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I waved to a baby who didn't wave back and her mom saw and I said:
“Sorry. I thought she was a different baby.”

‘ Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 21, 2016

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“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn't?”
“What's your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

‘ GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) April 8, 2016

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[7:30pm]
Tonight I'll actually go to bed on time and get sleep!

[2:30am]
the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million

‘ Phil Stamato (wow!) (@pstamato) April 5, 2016

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flirting tip: people love to talk about themselves so ask lots of questions like “is that a clip on” and “have you always been like this”

‘ pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) April 6, 2016

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A necrophiliac only has sex with corpses, but a necromancer will take them out for at least a couple of dates first.

‘ Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) April 21, 2016

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these are my two favourite pens pic.twitter.com/lrIy9WMvkR

‘ k e i t h (@KeetPotato) April 1, 2016

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McDonalds Cashier: That'll be $18

*Hands Cashier $20*

Harriet to Cashier: I CAN HELP YOU ESCAPE pic.twitter.com/FM8ZVttpsG

‘ Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) April 22, 2016

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Fetty Wap's full name is Fettuccine Washington Post

‘ #1 samir (@samir) October 2, 2015

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Any date can be a speed date if you set the restaurant on fire.

‘ The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) April 5, 2016

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[The start of the robot uprising]
Me: WaffleBot 5000, could you please make me some waffles?
WaffleBot 5000: No

‘ G?bby Dur?n (@GABBYdaAngSaya) April 17, 2016

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I point my gun at the bank teller and order him to fill my bag with cash but he struggles because the bag is already full of tacos.

‘ Booze (@BoozeWallet) March 24, 2016

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Success is 43% S's, 29% C's and the rest is vowels.

‘ Guy Incognito (@ShutUpThatsWho) January 1, 2016

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if there's a sock on the doorknob that means i'm fucking the other sock

‘ dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) April 22, 2016

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Jimmy Buffett must just constantly have sand in his asshole

‘ Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) April 22, 2016

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today someone said i look like i work at jurassic park thats the last time i were khakis and a shirt with blood on it

‘ meatshirt (@prettysadmostly) March 21, 2016

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Out of town friend visiting Chicago said he wants to have a Ferris Bueller day. So, I'm faking sick to him.

‘ CJ Sullivan (@CJSullivan_) April 19, 2016

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Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll start wearing those t-shirts from Walmart.

‘ Michael Antonucci (@noochmachine) April 22, 2016

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Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It's Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

‘ Ian Sausage (@stephenjmolloy) February 27, 2016

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Come see my one woman show. I spend an hour talking about the one woman I've slept with and how much I miss her.

‘ yusef roach (@yusefroach) April 19, 2016

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Welcome to twitter, home of America's #1 gameshow, “Who Mourned It Best?”

‘ Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) April 21, 2016

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PRINCE: why am I here?

GOD: I wanted to hear 'pussy control' but couldn't find it on Spotify

‘ huntigula (@huntigula) April 22, 2016