By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s best tweets are back for the second week in a row.
“Im going to Coachella BOTH weekends.” – drug addicts
‘ Jensen Karp (@JensenClan88) April 22, 2016
Lin-Manuel Miranda needs two different t-shirts that say “Mr. Write”? pic.twitter.com/rYnWe0Tr56
‘ Dave King (@DaveKingThing) April 20, 2016
gf: do you want to try role playing?
me (role playing as someone who would be into that): yes
‘ Hippo (@InternetHippo) April 22, 2016
Apparently pineapple juice makes cum taste better but for me it just ruins the pineapple juice.
‘ Daniel Townes (@danieltownes) December 17, 2013
PREGNANT WIFE: let's have sex
ME: but… but what if my penis hits the baby?
PREGNANT WIFE: [rolls her eyes so hard she goes into labor]
‘ rob elliott (@rockymomax) April 22, 2016
Baby airplane: “where do baby airplanes come from?”
Mommy airplane: “we push em out our airplane vaginas.”
‘ Hawlk (@the_hawlk) October 31, 2015
I waved to a baby who didn't wave back and her mom saw and I said:
“Sorry. I thought she was a different baby.”
‘ Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 21, 2016
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn't?”
“What's your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
‘ GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) April 8, 2016
Tonight I'll actually go to bed on time and get sleep!
the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million
‘ Phil Stamato (wow!) (@pstamato) April 5, 2016
flirting tip: people love to talk about themselves so ask lots of questions like “is that a clip on” and “have you always been like this”
‘ pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) April 6, 2016
A necrophiliac only has sex with corpses, but a necromancer will take them out for at least a couple of dates first.
‘ Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) April 21, 2016
these are my two favourite pens pic.twitter.com/lrIy9WMvkR
‘ k e i t h (@KeetPotato) April 1, 2016
McDonalds Cashier: That'll be $18
*Hands Cashier $20*
Harriet to Cashier: I CAN HELP YOU ESCAPE pic.twitter.com/FM8ZVttpsG
‘ Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) April 22, 2016
Fetty Wap's full name is Fettuccine Washington Post
‘ #1 samir (@samir) October 2, 2015
Any date can be a speed date if you set the restaurant on fire.
‘ The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) April 5, 2016
[The start of the robot uprising]
Me: WaffleBot 5000, could you please make me some waffles?
WaffleBot 5000: No
‘ G?bby Dur?n (@GABBYdaAngSaya) April 17, 2016
I point my gun at the bank teller and order him to fill my bag with cash but he struggles because the bag is already full of tacos.
‘ Booze (@BoozeWallet) March 24, 2016
Success is 43% S's, 29% C's and the rest is vowels.
‘ Guy Incognito (@ShutUpThatsWho) January 1, 2016
if there's a sock on the doorknob that means i'm fucking the other sock
‘ dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) April 22, 2016
Jimmy Buffett must just constantly have sand in his asshole
‘ Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) April 22, 2016
today someone said i look like i work at jurassic park thats the last time i were khakis and a shirt with blood on it
‘ meatshirt (@prettysadmostly) March 21, 2016
Out of town friend visiting Chicago said he wants to have a Ferris Bueller day. So, I'm faking sick to him.
‘ CJ Sullivan (@CJSullivan_) April 19, 2016
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll start wearing those t-shirts from Walmart.
‘ Michael Antonucci (@noochmachine) April 22, 2016
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It's Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
‘ Ian Sausage (@stephenjmolloy) February 27, 2016
Come see my one woman show. I spend an hour talking about the one woman I've slept with and how much I miss her.
‘ yusef roach (@yusefroach) April 19, 2016
Welcome to twitter, home of America's #1 gameshow, “Who Mourned It Best?”
‘ Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) April 21, 2016
PRINCE: why am I here?
GOD: I wanted to hear 'pussy control' but couldn't find it on Spotify
‘ huntigula (@huntigula) April 22, 2016
Things get crazy during Shark Week, especially when four chums party too hard and Dolph Lundgren wants his shark back.
It’s Sabbath Night Live! Staring… Mrs. Woman is Jordan Olds and Drew Kaufman Art and Animation by Drew Kaufman Voices by Jordan Olds Click subscribe for more videos and cartoons.
Today Apple released the iPhone 6 and iPhone 6+, a much anticipated wearable smart device called the Apple WATCH, and it’s updated software iOS 8. See below for an overview of all of the latest product updates and exciting new features.