By: Langan Kingsley

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I Don’t Follow Sports So I Can Only Assume Tom Brady Was Suspended For Being Too Sexy

I saw something today that almost made me spit out a fresh sip of my morning cup of joe (which is saying a lot, because I can ‘t get enough of the stuff). A court upheld the NFL ‘s four game suspension of Tom Brady. I don ‘t follow sports so I assume the inevitable happened: the NFL finally suspended Tom Brady for being too damn sexy.

The one thing we know about Tommy B? He has a perfect face, a perfect bod, and perfect hair. He ‘s like a robot created by computers that were programmed by eugenicists.

And like any mad scientist ‘s creation, he was crafted with a fatal flaw (his love for Donald Trump). They did a really good job otherwise, though. I mean look at that hair. It ‘s PERFECT.

And I ‘ll just come right out and say it: it ‘s distracting to have someone so hot playing football. Fans lose their focus on the game ‘they drop hot dogs, spill beer, and forget to cheer. Stadiums fall silent and the game slows down.

So even though it seems extreme to punish the guy for being s-e-x-y, what other options does the NFL have? Tom Brady is ON FIRE.

I will admit it ‘s a little unfair to single out Tom for looking fine in a tuxedo while Cam Newton and Aaron Rodgers are still trotting their cute little un-suspended butts up and down the football fields of this fine nation.

But lest ye forget, Tom Brady has a super hot famous wife. And together, they ‘re hot-un-stoppable ‘their children are gonna breed with and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt and Luna Legend to create a freaky super race of gorgeous people who will rule us all from a palace in St. Croix.

So I stand with NFL in their brave suspension of American Patriot Tom Brady, and applaud their stance in making football a little less sexy by temporarily depriving us of his beautiful, chiseled face.

That ‘s what I ‘ve come to expect from the NFL. It ‘s an organization that always puts morality over money, tough decisions over pleasing the fans, and the right thing over the easy thing.

And to my friend Tom Brady, all I gotta say is take this time to relax, unwind, and deflate from all this stress. It ‘s gonna wrinkle up your face and make you ugly ‘and that would be a true tragedy.

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