‘I Was Told There Were Going To Be More States ‘

My fellow Americans,

There has been some confusion. It turns out there are only fifty states.

I know! It ‘s shocking to me too. How in the heck are there only fifty states? And why am I just finding this out now? This seems like very crucial information for an aspiring president.

Jeepers, I feel like a real blockhead. Somebody definitely told me there were going to be more states. I really should have started introducing myself to voters already. This whole plan to hang back and start my big push around state seventy-five looks pretty foolish now.

I guess this means none of these other states I ‘ve been counting on for delegates actually exist:

• For example, apparently there ‘s not even one state in this entire country named Hamilton. How is there not a single state named Hamilton? That truly seems impossible.
• I admittedly overestimated the number of Carolinas by something like seven.
• I was counting on at least eleven different states that turned out to be beer or liquor brands.
• Whatever Pearl Harbor is, it isn ‘t a state.
• I ‘ve been informed Canada is actually its own independent country. I think I actually knew that.
• And Toronto is just a city inside Canada. I was understandably confused by the fact they have a team in the National Basketball Association.
• There is no state named after Beyonce. Not even a Beyoncelvania or Beyoncechusetts. In 2016. Accuse me of sour grapes, but frankly I don ‘t want to be president of this country any more anyway.
• There ‘s no state of Chipotle either. What I thought was definitely a state down around Arizona is actually a massive chain burrito restaurant. Apparently they have locations everywhere, and everyone knows this. It ‘s important to remember that I am limited in my dining options by a very sensitive palate and that a plain baked potato with a side of mini marshmallows is about all the spice I can handle.
• Delta is an airline, even though people talk about it with the same disgust they use to talk about Florida.
• My belief that there existed both a sequel state and reboot state in the New York franchise was way off.
• Alabama is a state, but Auburn is not. I am still unclear on what Auburn is.
• Idris and Elba are not two separate American states, but rather one non-American actor.
• Dorne is the fictional place where all the freaky sex assassins live on Game of Thrones. I knew it sounded familiar though.
• Turns out this Melania that Donald Trump keeps praising is a person he married.
• Umaga was a professional wrestler.
• Golden State is just a nickname for California, a real state I was already counting.
• Rhode Island may actually be a real state. I have yet to confirm.

This is all obviously very disappointing, but after careful consideration, I ‘ve decided to stay in the race and focus all my attention on hoping the other guys go into negative delegates in Final Jeopardy.