By: John Kasich
My fellow Americans,
There has been some confusion. It turns out there are only fifty states.
I know! It ‘s shocking to me too. How in the heck are there only fifty states? And why am I just finding this out now? This seems like very crucial information for an aspiring president.
Jeepers, I feel like a real blockhead. Somebody definitely told me there were going to be more states. I really should have started introducing myself to voters already. This whole plan to hang back and start my big push around state seventy-five looks pretty foolish now.
I guess this means none of these other states I ‘ve been counting on for delegates actually exist:
- For example, apparently there ‘s not even one state in this entire country named Hamilton. How is there not a single state named Hamilton? That truly seems impossible.
- I admittedly overestimated the number of Carolinas by something like seven.
- I was counting on at least eleven different states that turned out to be beer or liquor brands.
- Whatever Pearl Harbor is, it isn ‘t a state.
- I ‘ve been informed Canada is actually its own independent country. I think I actually knew that.
- And Toronto is just a city inside Canada. I was understandably confused by the fact they have a team in the National Basketball Association.
- There is no state named after Beyonce. Not even a Beyoncelvania or Beyoncechusetts. In 2016. Accuse me of sour grapes, but frankly I don ‘t want to be president of this country any more anyway.
- There ‘s no state of Chipotle either. What I thought was definitely a state down around Arizona is actually a massive chain burrito restaurant. Apparently they have locations everywhere, and everyone knows this. It ‘s important to remember that I am limited in my dining options by a very sensitive palate and that a plain baked potato with a side of mini marshmallows is about all the spice I can handle.
- Delta is an airline, even though people talk about it with the same disgust they use to talk about Florida.
- My belief that there existed both a sequel state and reboot state in the New York franchise was way off.
- Alabama is a state, but Auburn is not. I am still unclear on what Auburn is.
- Idris and Elba are not two separate American states, but rather one non-American actor.
- Dorne is the fictional place where all the freaky sex assassins live on Game of Thrones. I knew it sounded familiar though.
- Turns out this Melania that Donald Trump keeps praising is a person he married.
- Umaga was a professional wrestler.
- Golden State is just a nickname for California, a real state I was already counting.
- Rhode Island may actually be a real state. I have yet to confirm.
This is all obviously very disappointing, but after careful consideration, I ‘ve decided to stay in the race and focus all my attention on hoping the other guys go into negative delegates in Final Jeopardy.