By: Jason Flowers
27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #32
This week ‘s best tweets are intended for immature audiences only.
it's getting less & less likely that the HBO biopic of my life will be TV-MA for Nudity
‘ Ben Wexler (@mrbenwexler) April 27, 2016
Private browsing isn't for porn, it's for looking up definitions of very common words that you're not sure you're using correctly
‘ David Phillips (@aDavidP) April 26, 2016
HER: I'm leaving you
HER: u lie to me constantly
ME: ha! u don't just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber
‘ rob elliott (@rockymomax) April 13, 2016
Every woman should get one free murder a year pic.twitter.com/H7G4YFLynC
‘ Daniel Kibblesmith ?? (@kibblesmith) April 29, 2016
This isn't exactly what we were thinking pic.twitter.com/zrkh3OBNyl
‘ Tom Morello (@tmorello) April 12, 2016
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It's like buying a bicycle
‘ Travis Mononymous (@Prof_Hinkley) April 25, 2015
I've never said, “I don't understand what this Billy Joel song is about.”
‘ Gavin Speiller (@gavinspeiller) April 28, 2016
Really hope there's a track on Lemonade that features Ice-T called “Arnold Palmer”.
‘ Dru Johnston (@drujohnston) April 24, 2016
I am 90 percent sure the family that owns my deli has kidnapped Seth Rogen and forced him to marry their daughter pic.twitter.com/VpZ4qlPoWU
‘ Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) April 24, 2016
[to my date who was excited when I picked her up but now at dinner seems distracted] is there something wrong with your McNuggets?
‘ eric (@ericsshadow) April 26, 2016
Everybody stares at you weird if you steal chicken nuggets from old lady's plate at Wendy's while EMTs are trying to resuscitate her
‘ Hamburger Hinderer (@cm_rutvik) March 1, 2016
If your parents named you Crystal, they never wanted you to amount to shit.
‘ Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) April 29, 2016
When people text me “I'm here” I never know if they're outside or having an existential crisis
‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) April 29, 2016
Deathbed is a cool word that combines my two most ideal scenarios
‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) April 29, 2016
Fox Mulder would believe it's not butter.
‘ n vixv (@novixv) June 30, 2015
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
‘ AnOnion (@onion_an) April 26, 2016
Paid $130 for Jerry Seinfeld tickets. He came out on stage and just took apart the engine of a 1966 Porsche 356 SC Cabriolet. Not one joke.
‘ Timothy (@yourpaltim) April 29, 2016
Jay Leno is French for ‘Jay the No ‘
‘ Scones Mortensen (@ThingsJackDigs) April 28, 2016
What kind of bouncy house does your son want?
He likes the Olympics, sports, turtles, ties, 2/3 of North America… pic.twitter.com/VWJVpl3BbL
‘ Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) April 24, 2016
I was raised as an only child. My siblings took it pretty hard
‘ Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) April 16, 2016
“Hey man, can I copy your homework? I already ate mine.” pic.twitter.com/efcqtPeOFO
‘ Charles (@MrLXC) April 28, 2016
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. 'Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it'.
‘ Paige Wakefield (@fire2sweet) April 1, 2016
Joe takes a nap. Tim keeps showing up.
Bus Stop Bob
Celebrity gossiper Bob Stamos gives his two cents on the Oscars, A-ROD, The Jonas Brothers, and Tony Danza’s career.
The Chris Gethard Show: Chris’s Brother Takes Over the show (Bonus Scene)
Chris Gethard faces his greatest fear – Losing control of his show to his older brother Gregg Gethard. Gregg takes it too far, by asking special guest Aidy Bryant to read a ridiculous story about “Ska Music.”
An Artist’s Rendering Of What Candidate Deez Nuts Would Look Like
Have you ever wondered what candidate Deez Nuts would look like in the flesh? Pretty #trill, as it turns out.
The World Champ’s PSA for The Mermaid Parade
Judah Friedlander needs your help to save The Mermaid Parade, for more info about The Mermaid Parade go to http://www.savemermaids.org
Spring Fashion Preview w/ Danny McBride, Hannibal Buress, and More
Ditch the winter wear and get ready for spring, where the common theme is sophistication. (From the February/March issue of The Occasional)