By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s best tweets are intended for immature audiences only.
it's getting less & less likely that the HBO biopic of my life will be TV-MA for Nudity
‘ Ben Wexler (@mrbenwexler) April 27, 2016
Private browsing isn't for porn, it's for looking up definitions of very common words that you're not sure you're using correctly
‘ David Phillips (@aDavidP) April 26, 2016
HER: I'm leaving you
HER: u lie to me constantly
ME: ha! u don't just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber
‘ rob elliott (@rockymomax) April 13, 2016
Every woman should get one free murder a year pic.twitter.com/H7G4YFLynC
‘ Daniel Kibblesmith ?? (@kibblesmith) April 29, 2016
This isn't exactly what we were thinking pic.twitter.com/zrkh3OBNyl
‘ Tom Morello (@tmorello) April 12, 2016
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It's like buying a bicycle
‘ Travis Mononymous (@Prof_Hinkley) April 25, 2015
I've never said, “I don't understand what this Billy Joel song is about.”
‘ Gavin Speiller (@gavinspeiller) April 28, 2016
Really hope there's a track on Lemonade that features Ice-T called “Arnold Palmer”.
‘ Dru Johnston (@drujohnston) April 24, 2016
I am 90 percent sure the family that owns my deli has kidnapped Seth Rogen and forced him to marry their daughter pic.twitter.com/VpZ4qlPoWU
‘ Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) April 24, 2016
[to my date who was excited when I picked her up but now at dinner seems distracted] is there something wrong with your McNuggets?
‘ eric (@ericsshadow) April 26, 2016
Everybody stares at you weird if you steal chicken nuggets from old lady's plate at Wendy's while EMTs are trying to resuscitate her
‘ Hamburger Hinderer (@cm_rutvik) March 1, 2016
If your parents named you Crystal, they never wanted you to amount to shit.
‘ Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) April 29, 2016
When people text me “I'm here” I never know if they're outside or having an existential crisis
‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) April 29, 2016
Deathbed is a cool word that combines my two most ideal scenarios
‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) April 29, 2016
Fox Mulder would believe it's not butter.
‘ n vixv (@novixv) June 30, 2015
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
‘ AnOnion (@onion_an) April 26, 2016
Paid $130 for Jerry Seinfeld tickets. He came out on stage and just took apart the engine of a 1966 Porsche 356 SC Cabriolet. Not one joke.
‘ Timothy (@yourpaltim) April 29, 2016
Jay Leno is French for ‘Jay the No ‘
‘ Scones Mortensen (@ThingsJackDigs) April 28, 2016
What kind of bouncy house does your son want?
He likes the Olympics, sports, turtles, ties, 2/3 of North America… pic.twitter.com/VWJVpl3BbL
‘ Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) April 24, 2016
I was raised as an only child. My siblings took it pretty hard
‘ Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) April 16, 2016
“Hey man, can I copy your homework? I already ate mine.” pic.twitter.com/efcqtPeOFO
‘ Charles (@MrLXC) April 28, 2016
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. 'Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it'.
‘ Paige Wakefield (@fire2sweet) April 1, 2016