27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #32

it's getting less & less likely that the HBO biopic of my life will be TV-MA for Nudity

‘ Ben Wexler (@mrbenwexler) April 27, 2016

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Private browsing isn't for porn, it's for looking up definitions of very common words that you're not sure you're using correctly

‘ David Phillips (@aDavidP) April 26, 2016

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HER: I'm leaving you

ME: why

HER: u lie to me constantly

ME: ha! u don't just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber

‘ rob elliott (@rockymomax) April 13, 2016

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Every woman should get one free murder a year pic.twitter.com/H7G4YFLynC

‘ Daniel Kibblesmith ?? (@kibblesmith) April 29, 2016

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This isn't exactly what we were thinking pic.twitter.com/zrkh3OBNyl

‘ Tom Morello (@tmorello) April 12, 2016

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You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It's like buying a bicycle

‘ Travis Mononymous (@Prof_Hinkley) April 25, 2015

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I've never said, “I don't understand what this Billy Joel song is about.”

‘ Gavin Speiller (@gavinspeiller) April 28, 2016

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Really hope there's a track on Lemonade that features Ice-T called “Arnold Palmer”.

‘ Dru Johnston (@drujohnston) April 24, 2016

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I am 90 percent sure the family that owns my deli has kidnapped Seth Rogen and forced him to marry their daughter pic.twitter.com/VpZ4qlPoWU

‘ Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) April 24, 2016

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[to my date who was excited when I picked her up but now at dinner seems distracted] is there something wrong with your McNuggets?

‘ eric (@ericsshadow) April 26, 2016

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Everybody stares at you weird if you steal chicken nuggets from old lady's plate at Wendy's while EMTs are trying to resuscitate her

‘ Hamburger Hinderer (@cm_rutvik) March 1, 2016

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If your parents named you Crystal, they never wanted you to amount to shit.

‘ Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) April 29, 2016

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When people text me “I'm here” I never know if they're outside or having an existential crisis

‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) April 29, 2016

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Deathbed is a cool word that combines my two most ideal scenarios

‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) April 29, 2016

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Fox Mulder would believe it's not butter.

‘ n vixv (@novixv) June 30, 2015

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Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

‘ AnOnion (@onion_an) April 26, 2016

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Paid $130 for Jerry Seinfeld tickets. He came out on stage and just took apart the engine of a 1966 Porsche 356 SC Cabriolet. Not one joke.

‘ Timothy (@yourpaltim) April 29, 2016

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Jay Leno is French for ‘Jay the No ‘

‘ Scones Mortensen (@ThingsJackDigs) April 28, 2016

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What kind of bouncy house does your son want?

He likes the Olympics, sports, turtles, ties, 2/3 of North America… pic.twitter.com/VWJVpl3BbL

‘ Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) April 24, 2016

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I was raised as an only child. My siblings took it pretty hard

‘ Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) April 16, 2016

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“Hey man, can I copy your homework? I already ate mine.” pic.twitter.com/efcqtPeOFO

‘ Charles (@MrLXC) April 28, 2016

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Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. 'Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it'.

‘ Paige Wakefield (@fire2sweet) April 1, 2016

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I have a question. Besides fishing, are there any other activities where I might get an opportunity to trick fish

‘ Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) April 23, 2016

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“No, Dad, Vampire Weekend is not like Shark Week…”

‘ the pan-midwesterner (@panmidwest) April 20, 2016

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When someone casually mentions a belief in astrology, it feels like watching someone give a Ted talk with their fly open.

‘ Alex Baze (@bazecraze) April 28, 2016

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Boyfriend: you really don't have to do that

Me: *getting a lower back tattoo of his Call of Duty kill/death ratio* I'm just proud of u babe

‘ Elizabeth (@elizabeth_fels) February 24, 2016

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that's not funny my nana died from face swapping

‘ jhorts (@dearjhonletter) April 24, 2016