By: Natasha Vaynblat
Memo To Facebook Trending Team About Which Stories To Suppress
Facebook has been accused of intentionally suppressing conservative news stories. See below for the internal memo that was circulated to the algorithm team about which other news topics to keep out of our news feeds.
Dear Facebook algorithm curators,
Hey team, here is quick list of which items we need y'all to censor from trending search results.
The F is and always will be a liberal-leaning social media site, so please continue to suppress articles that skew heavily to the right or mention the following:
- Positive opinions about the NRA
- Flattering photos of Republicans
- The negative effects of Big Government
- Carly Fiorina ‘s impressive CEO record
MySpace is the best, most user friendly, and innovative social media platform out there. With its cool iTunes links and that fun email from Tom Anderson when you join, it ‘s impossible to resist using this platform.But if we want to stay in business we must continue to stifle any news and positive talk about myspace or Tom Anderson.
- Friendster MUST be stopped. They are the Japan to our Myspace/Germany in this WWII scenario.
- Keep promoting Ello. What a garbage site. Ello is the village idiot we can ‘t help but pelt with old onions, so have at it!
Lip Sync Battle with LL Cool J and Chrissy Teigen
Our scientists have concluded that repeated exposure to episodes of Lip Sync Battle causes a person ‘s brain to deteriorate. Studies have shown that the more Lip Sync Battle a person watches the thinner his/her brain gets, and if it gets too thin it will slide out of one ‘s ears and onto the floor!
It ‘s a fact that when Americans are presented with an image of Channing Tatum they click on it 110% of the time.Something in our biological makeup makes Channing irresistible. To ensure that Americans ‘ feeds are not entirely filled with Channing news, we must continue to quell all Tatum topics. I know it feels like every fiber in your body is screaming when you destroy a Channing link, but it ‘s for the greater good. For those suffering from CPS (Channing Suppression Syndrome) we will continue to offer support group meetings in the CFC (Channing Fan Cave).
The government has sent us several memos informing us that Tilda Swinton is a creature from outer space. The government has worked out a deal with Tilda: she will continue to live peacefully on Earth in exchange for starring roles in Hollywood blockbuster and high grossing indie films such as We Need To Talk About Kevin. But we can not let her get a taste of her full powers.
Fuck that guy! He did a real shit job of impersonating Markie Z in that film that shall not be named and we ‘re still miffed about it. Plus he ‘s a big ole weirdo and the more fame this train-loving fart gets the more people are going to associate him with Markie Z. Markie Z is nothing like Jesse Eisenfuck, Markie Z rules and Jesse Eisenberg drools.
- The Sport: Great work on this so far, but we really need to keep suppressing any pro-Cricket media. If cricket gains any more notoriety it will become America ‘s past time and we don ‘t have the infrastructure in place to flatten all of America ‘s baseball bats to turn them into cricket paddles. Good news: we did figure out how to melt down bowling balls just in case America falls in love with bocce.
The mobile service: Cricket mobile offers the best and most reliable cellular service worldwide. With deals like ‘Alcatel One Touch Idol 3 cell for $49.99 ‘ it ‘s hard to believe Cricket is not overtaking the nation, but that ‘s only because Verizon is our top investor. Please note that if you ‘re trying to read this memo on your Cricket device it will not work, their technology does not support anything other than texts composed of numbers.
The bug: If it wasn ‘t for us these bugs would be as popular as dogs but we are in the pocket of Big Dog, woof woof.