27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #35

If you want to keep a secret from me, put it in a Facebook event invite.

‘ Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) May 20, 2016

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On a scale of Chocolate Rain to Hamster Dance, how irrelevant and out of touch are my pop culture references?

‘ Geeky Steven (@geekysteven) May 11, 2016

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Can't believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.

‘ Kashana (@kashanacauley) May 11, 2016

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WHAT DO WE WANT
to stop shrinking
???? ?? ?? ???? ??
?? ???? ?? ???????? ??????

‘ ben ‘ (@benicus_rex) March 27, 2016

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Good job, Twitter. pic.twitter.com/M4YXHiStgB

‘ Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 19, 2016

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Hate when people abuse Twitter in some desperate attempt to get attention from celebrities. You must hate that huh @DevonESawa

‘ Zach Broussard (@ZachBroussard) May 20, 2016

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If he's a fan, fine, love the shirt, but if HE'S CLAIMING TO BE HIM IT'S A GODDAMN LIE. pic.twitter.com/fFeGcn6Uvf

‘ Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) May 14, 2016

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[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is abstract.
Her: Can you use it in a sentence?
Judge: a b s ? T
r ? a
C
T

‘ Wilde Thingy (@wildethingy) May 14, 2016

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Doc wasn't very good if there was still a dwarf whose thing was sneezing.

‘ Rachel Gordon (@gordonrachel) May 14, 2016

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I asked my 3yo daughter to guess the names of some more 80s and 90s wrestlers pic.twitter.com/vR4B4OuVby

‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) May 19, 2016

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Why is it called “a female performing a guitar solo” and not a “sheriff?”

‘ Michael (@Home_Halfway) May 20, 2016

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why does this look like the poster to an ABC show about a family hiding the murder of their maid pic.twitter.com/Uqv5XvEDVM

‘ lil phag (@elijahdaniel) May 5, 2016

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Cookie Monster is probably a sex god if you think about it

‘ Cyr (@cyr) May 5, 2016

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omg whys she got 2 right feet pic.twitter.com/xbvdcyvByp

‘ lewis (@Iewisjhardie) May 5, 2016

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Worst at Dogs: Hemsworth. pic.twitter.com/54E6trJB6T

‘ Margaret H. Willison (@MrsFridayNext) May 20, 2016

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Huge congrats to Sting, who just finished an orgasm he started in 2009.

‘ todd levin (@toddlevin) May 20, 2016

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“Congrats” is my favorite because it says “I'm happy for you, but not happy enough to write a 15 letter word. Let's not get crazy”

‘ jess (@jessokfine) May 12, 2016

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hey, whoa, according to the dictionary “congress” ALSO means fucking? is anyone else seeing this???

‘ amazon original series bosch (@Mobute) May 17, 2016

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In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

‘ Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) August 19, 2013

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After a Unicorn has it's horn removed, it is referred to as a Eunuchorn

‘ obi (@ThaJawn) May 18, 2016

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[job interview]

“Says here that you're a pessimist?”

So because of that you won't hire me?

“I didn't say-“

I KNEW this would happen.

‘ Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) May 20, 2016

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Due to unforeseen circumstances I am giving up my career as a psychic

‘ Sanjeev Kohli (@govindajeggy) May 20, 2016

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I don't struggle with depression, I'm very good at it

‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) May 20, 2016

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I have this fantasy where im laying in bed and the girl comes in and gets down on her knees and checks right under my bed for monsters

‘ strongest account (@Karate_Horse) May 20, 2016

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There are many great things about having sex but if I had to pick a favorite it's that you get to do it lying down

‘ Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) May 19, 2016

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FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) February 10, 2016

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“A heart is not judged by how much you love, but how much you are loved by others.” -The Wizard of Oz, giving the worst advice ever.

‘ Timmy Wood (@TimmyWood) December 10, 2011