By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s best tweets are probably not coming to your party.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it in a Facebook event invite.
‘ Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) May 20, 2016
On a scale of Chocolate Rain to Hamster Dance, how irrelevant and out of touch are my pop culture references?
‘ Geeky Steven (@geekysteven) May 11, 2016
Can't believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.
‘ Kashana (@kashanacauley) May 11, 2016
WHAT DO WE WANT
to stop shrinking
???? ?? ?? ???? ??
?? ???? ?? ???????? ??????
‘ ben ‘ (@benicus_rex) March 27, 2016
Good job, Twitter. pic.twitter.com/M4YXHiStgB
‘ Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 19, 2016
Hate when people abuse Twitter in some desperate attempt to get attention from celebrities. You must hate that huh @DevonESawa
‘ Zach Broussard (@ZachBroussard) May 20, 2016
If he's a fan, fine, love the shirt, but if HE'S CLAIMING TO BE HIM IT'S A GODDAMN LIE. pic.twitter.com/fFeGcn6Uvf
‘ Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) May 14, 2016
Judge: Your word is abstract.
Her: Can you use it in a sentence?
Judge: a b s ? T
r ? a
‘ Wilde Thingy (@wildethingy) May 14, 2016
Doc wasn't very good if there was still a dwarf whose thing was sneezing.
‘ Rachel Gordon (@gordonrachel) May 14, 2016
I asked my 3yo daughter to guess the names of some more 80s and 90s wrestlers pic.twitter.com/vR4B4OuVby
‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) May 19, 2016
Why is it called “a female performing a guitar solo” and not a “sheriff?”
‘ Michael (@Home_Halfway) May 20, 2016
why does this look like the poster to an ABC show about a family hiding the murder of their maid pic.twitter.com/Uqv5XvEDVM
‘ lil phag (@elijahdaniel) May 5, 2016
Cookie Monster is probably a sex god if you think about it
‘ Cyr (@cyr) May 5, 2016
Worst at Dogs: Hemsworth. pic.twitter.com/54E6trJB6T
‘ Margaret H. Willison (@MrsFridayNext) May 20, 2016
Huge congrats to Sting, who just finished an orgasm he started in 2009.
‘ todd levin (@toddlevin) May 20, 2016
“Congrats” is my favorite because it says “I'm happy for you, but not happy enough to write a 15 letter word. Let's not get crazy”
‘ jess (@jessokfine) May 12, 2016
hey, whoa, according to the dictionary “congress” ALSO means fucking? is anyone else seeing this???
‘ amazon original series bosch (@Mobute) May 17, 2016
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
‘ Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) August 19, 2013
After a Unicorn has it's horn removed, it is referred to as a Eunuchorn
‘ obi (@ThaJawn) May 18, 2016
“Says here that you're a pessimist?”
So because of that you won't hire me?
“I didn't say-“
I KNEW this would happen.
‘ Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) May 20, 2016
Due to unforeseen circumstances I am giving up my career as a psychic
‘ Sanjeev Kohli (@govindajeggy) May 20, 2016
I don't struggle with depression, I'm very good at it
‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) May 20, 2016
I have this fantasy where im laying in bed and the girl comes in and gets down on her knees and checks right under my bed for monsters
‘ strongest account (@Karate_Horse) May 20, 2016
There are many great things about having sex but if I had to pick a favorite it's that you get to do it lying down
‘ Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) May 19, 2016
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) February 10, 2016
“A heart is not judged by how much you love, but how much you are loved by others.” -The Wizard of Oz, giving the worst advice ever.
‘ Timmy Wood (@TimmyWood) December 10, 2011
After the success of ‘Ghostbusters,’ I’m sure you can make whatever you want. Please don’t make an all-female ‘Ballers.’