By: Jon Bershad
Hey, y'all! It ‘s me, Chewbacca Mom AKA Chewbacca Mask Mom AKA the Lady in the YouTube Video with the Chewbacca Mask. I just wanted to reach out to my fans and confirm what you all probably already know: I run this fucking town and I can do whatever the fuck I want right now.
I bought a Chewbacca mask and made a video and now the regular rules of society do not apply to me anymore. I ‘m so fucking famous I could walk into the White House, shoot the President, rename the country “Chewbacca Mom-sylvania ‘ and no one would do shit. I ‘m the fucking Chewbacca Mom.
Obviously, I ‘d never hurt the President. Or anyone. I ‘m still the same sweet mom from Texas that I always was. I ‘d never hurt a fly. Still, all you little bitches better fucking recognize that this is MY house now. If Chewbacca Mom don ‘t like you, you ‘re fucking gone!
Don ‘t believe me? I was on the Today Show. I was on Good Morning America. I drove a car with James motherfucking Corden. If you don ‘t think that I own this shit now, you are fucking kidding yourself!
Whatever I want is mine for the taking. The world is my oyster and I ‘m gonna fucking get up inside it. If I ask a production assistant on Ellen for a sandwich, they ‘ll fucking bring it to me. If I ask them for a soda, they ‘ll fucking bring it to me. If I ask them to cut off their own face with a pen knife and have Peter Mayhew, the actor who played Chewbacca, reenact my video wearing the bloody face flesh like a mask,, that ‘d fucking happen. I have millions of views. I ‘m the fucking Chewbacca Mom.
Once again, to be clear, I ‘m not going to do any of that stuff. I ‘m still little ol ‘ Candace. But you fools need to know who ‘s Queen Shit of Fuck Mountain around here!
I ‘m just gonna say it: I can fuck whoever I want.
That ‘s right. If I wanted a fourway between Ryan Gosling, Beyonce, and the guy who plays Hodor, that shit would happen! Not only would it happen, but I would be in the center of it! I would be the sun right in the middle of that orbiting fuck galaxy!
Of course, I ‘m not going to have sex with anyone. I ‘m a happily married mother who loves her family. Still, all the haters better know that I can get whatever dick or puss I want! I ‘m the Chewbacca Mom! If I want you on your knees, there better be a dent in the ground from how fast you drop down there!
Do you know who tweeted about me? The official fucking Star Wars Twitter feed! That means that if I wanted Sir Alec Guinness to appear in front of me like a Force Ghost and pound the ever-loving Midi-chlorians out of me, then the best minds at Industrial Light & Magic would raise that corpse from the dead and fucking make it so! I ‘m the Chewbacca Mom, bitch!
This is dawning of the Chewbacca Mom millennium.
Get used to it.