By: Jason Flowers

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Victoria ‘s Secret Announces They Will Now Be A Video Compression Company

March 25, 2016

Bras, panties, and the world-famous ‘Angels ‘ will all be phased out as the company seeks to capitalize on new, revolutionary video-compression algorithm.

REYNOLDSBURG, OH ‘ May 25, 2016 ‘ Victoria ‘s Secret, the nation ‘s largest retailer of intimate apparel, will be eliminating all online, catalogue, and physical store sales effective June 1, as it looks to capitalize on the emerging video compression market. The new venture, Victoria ‘s Code, has plans to launch it ‘s new platform by the end of this year.

‘Look, everyone here loves sexy women and miracle push-up bras, but the compression rates our team was seeing were just too incredible to ignore, ‘ said L Brands CEO Lex Wexner. ‘What we hope to achieve with our new platform could revolutionize the internet and the entire way our world consumes media, ‘ he added.

‘Victoria ‘s Secret was never about lingerie, it was about helping people feel good. And everyone here at VC thinks that high-speed, lossless data will be able to do that just as well as any pair of panties ever could. Well, almost any, ‘ said VP of Platform Development Gisele B ‘ndchen.

‘We ‘re not giving up on the idea of angels as a whole, however. We have offered several of our more high-profile ‘Angels ‘ the opportunity to invest and take on larger roles in the company, ‘ added Wexner. “Did we do it because we thought calling them ‘Angel Investors ‘ would be cute and clever? Yes. Did we take their money when they actually offered it to us. Absolutely. ‘

The company has no layoff plans, instead they ‘re hoping to keep the entire online and retail staff on bored to help with the transition. ‘We imagine we ‘ll need a few people to mind the server rooms? Honestly, we ‘re not entirely sure how it works yet. But many of our sales associates are young, bright women, and we ‘re hoping they can help us out in some way, ‘ said Wexler. “Perhaps by coding or something? Whatever it takes. ‘

The new company recently raised $65 million in a Series A round of fundraising, which estimates the company ‘s value at $1.3 billion. All of which begs the questions, why didn ‘t they do this years ago? ‘Well, there ‘s nothing you can do until you have the right algorithm. Then comes the platform. Then eventually, profit. Besides, I just bought my first computer last year, ‘ said new company CTO Adriana Lima.

Victoria ‘s Secret previously announced their inaugural ‘International Boobs and Butts Day ‘ scheduled for June 2. That has since been cancelled.

For more information, visit ‘ at least until we figure out how to get our new domain linked up to our SquareSpace.

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