By: Ryan Haney

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The Commencement Speech All College Grads NEED To Hear


Before I begin, I want to encourage all of you to stop for just one second to appreciate this moment. Think about all the hard work that you ‘ve put in: the hours in the classroom, the papers, the late nights studying. Really soak it in. ‘Cause it all means jack shit now.

The second you leave this quadrangle, the world is going to hand you your ass on a silver platter. And your analysis of sexuality in The Canterbury Tales can ‘t do nothing to stop it.

The freight train of life is barreling down the tracks at you. You can ‘t get off the tracks, but I can offer you a few words of wisdom in the hopes that your shit doesn ‘t get absolutely wrecked.

They say that if you do what you love, you ‘ll never work a day in your life. Well, I hate to bring the heavy, but odds are that your dream job of ‘like doing finance stuff, but for, like, athletes ‘ isn ‘t in the cards right now. You will work a shit job that you hate, but all you need to do to make sure you don ‘t get fired is show up ten minutes early and ask your boss if ‘is there anything you need before I head out? ‘

No one gives a shit about their jobs, but if you can even pretend like you do, you ‘ll literally be the CEO in four months.

Unfortunately, we live in a world full of people who will judge you without evening knowing you. Do not let their ignorance define you, but it would help if you stopped wearing your college t-shirts. If people see you out in that shit, they are immediately gonna think that 40% of your brain fluid is Coors Light. I don ‘t care how much Bote Hall rules. That ‘I ‘m on a Bote ‘ tee has got. to. go.

William Shakespeare who once said ‘to thine own self be true ‘ but I ‘m sure if he was alive today, even he agree that you can ‘t like the music you like anymore. From here on out, all those tunes are officially known as ‘the shit you were into in college. ‘

If you can ‘t find new stuff, everyone is gonna think that that your entire musical taste is based off of what shuffled on to Sean ‘s ‘Butt Chug ‘ playlist when you won that round of flip cup, even though was Steph was trying to psych you out by getting in your face and screaming all that stuff you told her about your mom and dad ‘s divorce.

You think you got it bad? I was in college when Arcade Fire was big man. Arcade Fire.

Share your light with the world. But don ‘t share food with your roommates. Salt, pepper and all that shit are whatever, but olive oil is pushing it. ‘Good ‘ olive oil is a straight up no, no. And as soon as you catch wind of somebody getting their hands in your grub, you have every right to hoard your food in your room. Everyone will think you ‘re a psycho, but you ‘ll be a rich psycho who isn ‘t throwing all their money away on a new jar of almond butter every three days.

Finally, the Beatles once sang that ‘the love you take is equal to the love you make. ‘ It ‘s hard to make any sense out of their drug-addled ramblings, but I think what they were trying to say was ‘you can ‘t ghost on people you sleep with. ‘ You might think what ‘s the harm? Everyone does it. They will understand. You might think you will never see that person again. But you will absolutely see that person again. Specifically, you will see them on the 14th Street – Union Square L Train platform. The look in their eyes will make you realize that maybe you are not the ‘good person ‘ that you tell yourself you are and you will feel like you have to shit blood.

Anywho, that ‘s not even the half of what life after graduation has in store for you, the Class of 2016. I ‘d tell you more, but everyone over the age of 26 just loves to see you fall on your young, bright, hot, dumb faces too much.

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