5 Other Endorsements From Paul Ryan

This week, Paul Ryan tepidly endorsed the GOP presumptive nominee, Donald Trump. In light of this news we ‘ve uncovered his other recent endorsements.

Mondays

“Mondays are a rough time of the week ‘you ‘re shaking off the Sunday haze and trying to get your head in a good space to start working. Traditionally I have been anti-Mondays, however, they are the only way to get to Tuesday ‘and I frigging love Tuesdays. Tuesdays are totally my thing. So for the sake of Tuesdays, I ‘ve decided to endorse Mondays. They are definitely a day of the week.”

Applebee ‘s

“After carefully considering the restaurants available to me on a recent trip to the Maryland suburbs, I found myself facing a difficult decision. Chipotle was closed due to health concerns. There was a Panera Bread, but I had forgotten my rewards card ‘and you know I ‘m not going to be so fiscally irresponsible to purchase a Napa Almond Chicken Salad sandwich without my rewards card. I then tried Starbucks, but they had sold out of their food options earlier in the day. After understanding the situation I faced, I decided that Applebee ‘s serves food, and I needed food. I therefore endorse Applebee ‘s: it is a place that serves food. ‘

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

“When I purchased movie tickets for a recent date night, I was set on seeing The Lobster starring Colin Ferrell. A nuanced portrait of love in a parallel dystopian world? Perfect for a night on the town. However, I found when I checked out on the Fandago homepage I found myself with two tickets to Michael Bay ‘s Ninja Turtles sequel, subtitled “Out of the Shadows. ‘ Since Fandango is notoriously unbending in their refund policy, Jana and I gritted our teeth and endured a visual assault of muscular CGI amphibians courtesy of Michael Bay. I can attest that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows is, indeed, a movie, and I endorse it as such.”

Bed Bugs

“In the past I ‘ve said pretty clearly I was anti bed bugs. I have considered them a disgusting pest and stated that I would never want to find them in my home. However, after my wife Jana and my daughter, Elizabeth, stayed at Courtyard Marriott in Waltham, Mass during a field hockey tournament they brought the pests back into our home. According to my exterminator, our only option for getting rid of them is moving into a hotel until November, and I just can ‘t deal with that because ugh. I am now pro bed bugs.”

Eating Shit

“I ‘ve often said I would never eat shit, but recently I had a chance to sit down with my good friend Donald Trump to talk over a plate chock-full of human excrement. As Donald and I chatted, he convinced me the feces would taste good in my mouth. He said, “Eat shit, Paul ‘literally. Eat shit for your party. ‘ When I politely declined he said, “Do it or you won ‘t get a thing through congress, you slick little robot. Eat the shit. ‘ I now am happy to say I fully endorse eating shit. Thank you Donald.”