5 Other Endorsements From Paul Ryan

This week, Paul Ryan tepidly endorsed the GOP presumptive nominee, Donald Trump. In light of this news we ‘ve uncovered his other recent endorsements.

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Mondays

“Mondays are a rough time of the week ‘you ‘re shaking off the Sunday haze and trying to get your head in a good space to start working. Traditionally I have been anti-Mondays, however, they are the only way to get to Tuesday ‘and I frigging love Tuesdays. Tuesdays are totally my thing. So for the sake of Tuesdays, I ‘ve decided to endorse Mondays. They are definitely a day of the week.”

Applebee ‘s

“After carefully considering the restaurants available to me on a recent trip to the Maryland suburbs, I found myself facing a difficult decision. Chipotle was closed due to health concerns. There was a Panera Bread, but I had forgotten my rewards card ‘and you know I ‘m not going to be so fiscally irresponsible to purchase a Napa Almond Chicken Salad sandwich without my rewards card. I then tried Starbucks, but they had sold out of their food options earlier in the day. After understanding the situation I faced, I decided that Applebee ‘s serves food, and I needed food. I therefore endorse Applebee ‘s: it is a place that serves food. ‘

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

“When I purchased movie tickets for a recent date night, I was set on seeing The Lobster starring Colin Ferrell. A nuanced portrait of love in a parallel dystopian world? Perfect for a night on the town. However, I found when I checked out on the Fandago homepage I found myself with two tickets to Michael Bay ‘s Ninja Turtles sequel, subtitled “Out of the Shadows. ‘ Since Fandango is notoriously unbending in their refund policy, Jana and I gritted our teeth and endured a visual assault of muscular CGI amphibians courtesy of Michael Bay. I can attest that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows is, indeed, a movie, and I endorse it as such.”

Bed Bugs

“In the past I ‘ve said pretty clearly I was anti bed bugs. I have considered them a disgusting pest and stated that I would never want to find them in my home. However, after my wife Jana and my daughter, Elizabeth, stayed at Courtyard Marriott in Waltham, Mass during a field hockey tournament they brought the pests back into our home. According to my exterminator, our only option for getting rid of them is moving into a hotel until November, and I just can ‘t deal with that because ugh. I am now pro bed bugs.”

Eating Shit

“I ‘ve often said I would never eat shit, but recently I had a chance to sit down with my good friend Donald Trump to talk over a plate chock-full of human excrement. As Donald and I chatted, he convinced me the feces would taste good in my mouth. He said, “Eat shit, Paul ‘literally. Eat shit for your party. ‘ When I politely declined he said, “Do it or you won ‘t get a thing through congress, you slick little robot. Eat the shit. ‘ I now am happy to say I fully endorse eating shit. Thank you Donald.”