By: Langan Kingsley

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Wanted: New Trump Campaign Manager Position Available

CAMPAIGN MANAGER – MANHATTAN, NY (AKA “TRUMP TOWN, ‘ BABY!) Our mission is to Make America Great again. We are a team of passionate, committed idealogues that don ‘t let anything get in our way–be it activist Mexican judges, the nazis at The Washington Post, or women “reporters ‘ bleeding out of their “you know wheres ‘ (even if they are hot). We will not stop until Donald Trump is personally using a crucifix made out of two AR-15s (God ‘s gun) to lay the keystone in a wall in the middle of an Arizona desert.

NOTE: Need not apply if your name starts with a “C ‘ and ends with “ory Lewandowksi. ‘ If it does, you’re a complete loser freak that just didn’t work out for us. You know nothing about what it takes to Make America Great Again, and you ‘re a dumb dirty Polack.

Role Overview We are seeking a Campaign Manager to help stoke the flames of the next great white panic. Our ideal candidate should have the right combination of blind obedience and bloodthirsty insanity. He shouldn ‘t be afraid to get his hands dirty (rough up foreigners).
Day-to-Day The primary responsibility of the Campaign Manager is to do whatever “The Donald ‘ (LOL it ‘s fun to call him that, plus he makes us) tells him to do, no matter how fucked up it might seem at the time. And we ‘re gonna be honest, a lot of this stuff is going to seem pretty fucked up. But we promise it ‘ll all be okay in the end. It has to be. This will end well.

  • Jazz up large crowds of angry white people hanging by a thread
  • Ensure pockets are always full of loose ham in case Daddy D wants a snack
  • Document breast sizes of female staffers & rate on a scale of “Itty Bitty Titty Committee ‘ to “BAZINGA ‘
  • Create collaborative atmosphere in which staffers feel comfortable making jokes ’bout Hillary not doing oral
  • Secure human blood that will allow Eric Trump to survive another day in this mortal world

  • “Gold Elite ‘ Certification from Trump University or equivalent (i.e. watching one season of “The Apprentice ‘ back to back)
  • Attended at least one Gathering (and if you ‘re all “What ‘s ‘The Gathering? ‘ ‘ then you ‘re probably not right for the job. Whoop whoop!)
  • Comfortable telling The Donald ‘s daughters they are hot, then kissing them on the lips, then kissing The Donald on the lips
  • Familiarity with when women are on their period & ways to make fun of it ( on the rag / bleeding out / shark week / etc.)
  • Won ‘t freak when he ‘s around the nation ‘s rich and powerful lizard men

  • Aforementioned smooches from Ivanka
  • Whatever scraps of ham “The Donald ‘ AKA Daddy D don ‘t eat
  • $25 in slots vouchers at The Trump Taj Mahal

Open the Door of Opportunity at Trump.

Trump for America is an equal opportunity employer. We look at all applications, and every (white) person (man) will be considered. We recognize that our continued success require the highest commitment to obtaining and retaining a diverse team of white men: Italian white men and German white men. Fat white men and skinny white men. Old white men and young white men. Rich white men and poor (but don ‘t talk about it all the time) white men. We believe that every employee has the right to work in an environment free from the harassment of chicks or blacks or whatever, telling them what they can ‘t joke about or where they can ‘t jack off. It ‘s okay if they ‘re gay. We love the gays. #AskTheGays.

Please send resumes, cover letters, and arrest records (the longer the better) to:

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