By: Langan Kingsley
Wanted: New Trump Campaign Manager Position Available



NOTE: Need not apply if your name starts with a “C ‘ and ends with “ory Lewandowksi. ‘ If it does, you’re a complete loser freak that just didn’t work out for us. You know nothing about what it takes to Make America Great Again, and you ‘re a dumb dirty Polack.
- Jazz up large crowds of angry white people hanging by a thread
- Ensure pockets are always full of loose ham in case Daddy D wants a snack
- Document breast sizes of female staffers & rate on a scale of “Itty Bitty Titty Committee ‘ to “BAZINGA ‘
- Create collaborative atmosphere in which staffers feel comfortable making jokes ’bout Hillary not doing oral
- Secure human blood that will allow Eric Trump to survive another day in this mortal world
- “Gold Elite ‘ Certification from Trump University or equivalent (i.e. watching one season of “The Apprentice ‘ back to back)
- Attended at least one Gathering (and if you ‘re all “What ‘s ‘The Gathering? ‘ ‘ then you ‘re probably not right for the job. Whoop whoop!)
- Comfortable telling The Donald ‘s daughters they are hot, then kissing them on the lips, then kissing The Donald on the lips
- Familiarity with when women are on their period & ways to make fun of it ( on the rag / bleeding out / shark week / etc.)
- Won ‘t freak when he ‘s around the nation ‘s rich and powerful lizard men
- Aforementioned smooches from Ivanka
- Whatever scraps of ham “The Donald ‘ AKA Daddy D don ‘t eat
- $25 in slots vouchers at The Trump Taj Mahal
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