27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #40

Look, Lebron is cold. But the greatest of all time is still David Letterman.

‘ John Reynolds (@JohnReynoldss) June 20, 2016

Hey @icecube are you okay? Worried you may have melted today, thought I'd check

‘ Allan McLeod (@allanmcleod) June 21, 2016

People definitely hang up on Oprah all the time.
“Hi this is Oprah!”
“Yeah, ok, this is Garfield fuck off”.

‘ Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) June 19, 2016

I like to imagine all that blood in The Shining patiently waiting to get on the elevator on a different floor.

‘ Jesse Case (@jessecase) June 21, 2016

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful. pic.twitter.com/RboPJgybvM

‘ Probably Injured (@PeterClayton6) January 8, 2014

Just got my Ticketmaster voucher. Anyone want to see Puddle of Mudd in Fallujah?

‘ Brandon (@UNDEADTRESOR) June 22, 2016

Coconut La Croix is for ppl too cowardly to drink suntan lotion

‘ Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 24, 2016

Since Ariel was 16 when she became human do you think she got her period immediately?

Boss: I meant any questions about the presentation.

‘ The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 22, 2016

I can never remember the word for salad sauce

‘ Hecate's Tecate (@sarahlindish) June 15, 2016

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you've got yourself a crap horse.

‘ Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 10, 2016

If you had late fees Blockbuster refused to rent you anything.
It was harder to watch Hook than it is for a suspected terrorist to buy a gun

‘ R ‘b Fee (@robfee) June 21, 2016

When you want a tabloid, but are also 90 years old. pic.twitter.com/f4wROfiHJv

‘ Jane Coaston (@cjane87) June 18, 2016

No song gets to the point like “Everybody Dance Now.” A lady screams “Everybody dance now” at you right at the beginning.

‘ Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) June 23, 2016

The mall is great because sometimes I want to go to the airport without flying anywhere

‘ Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) June 18, 2016

My sexual preference is “ugh I'll just do it myself”

‘ Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) June 23, 2016

WIFE: Your life as a YouTube star is tearing us apart

ME: What makes you say that? Let me know in the comments

‘ the hippo account (@InternetHippo) June 18, 2016

Yea, I have a beach body. Big, wavy and teeming with crabs

‘ Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) June 22, 2016

if u die in a jet ski accident u get to be a ghost on a jet ski, so not that bad

‘ chuuch (@ch000ch) June 21, 2016

Date: It's getting late, I should go.
Me: *opening freezer* Are you sure I can't convince you to stay? pic.twitter.com/RWPeNCwar0

‘ pat tobin (@tastefactory) June 24, 2016

If you have a friend named brendon and you don't call them friendon you are part of the problem

‘ miel (@miel) June 19, 2016

This movie seems darker than I expected pic.twitter.com/2SWJylPnla

‘ Becky Isotobe (@BuckyIsotope) June 17, 2016

A more interesting matchup for the nba finals would have been the Goo Goo Dolls vs Matchbox 20

‘ Conner O'Malley (@conner_omalley) June 20, 2016

hm want thai food for some reason pic.twitter.com/xIATm8Vfux

‘ SAREEN (@sareeny) June 20, 2016