By: Ryan Haney

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5 Things Slaughterhouses Could Learn From Start-Ups

We ‘ve been getting a whole heap of flak here at Perdue for making our chickens live in so much shit that their skin falls off. But that ‘s all about to change! We ‘re rolling out new “quality standards ‘ for our farms inspired by some of today ‘s most innovative and healthy workplaces: hip new tech start-ups! Our chickens may not know or what the hell is going, but we think they ‘re gonna love it!

Open Office Design

We realized that keeping our chickens locked up small cages was creating a stagnant and isolating environment. In a company with over 676 million birds, it ‘s ridiculous that our frightened, suffocating chickens might go their entire lives only interacting the 12 other chickens we shove it into a crate with. By moving our all of chickens to the concrete floor of large, dark barn, we ‘re hoping to create a free-flowing work space where our chickens can mingle and exchange ideas. It ‘s been a couple weeks and all they ‘ve done is peck and claw each other to death, but we ‘re holding out hope that we ‘ll see some exciting collaborations.

Standing Desks

Did you know that sitting is the new smoking? That ‘s why we ‘re following Silicon Valley ‘s lead and giving every single one of our birds their own teeny, tiny “standing desk. ‘ We wanted a to find a way to encourage our birds to get on their feet besides cramming so many of them into one barn that there physically isn ‘t enough room for them to sit down. Bird-sized standing desks might not be much use for the chickens whose legs have snapped under the weight of their genetically enlarged breasts, but then again, it might not be much use to any of our chickens. Probably more of a hindrance. We ‘ve found a bunch of birds with stomachs full of tiny screws.

Ping Pong Tables

Cool start-ups knows that a little fun in the work place can go a long way when it comes to their employees ‘ happiness and here at Perdue, we ‘re really hoping that the same is true for birds. That ‘s why we ‘re putting a regulation sized ping-pong table right in the middle of the squawking hell-scape that are our chicken coops. So if a hen just watched it ‘s child be fed into a giant grinder, it can always pick up a paddle and blow off a little steam steam. No bird has yet. They mostly just sit on it and shit. They probably have no idea what it is.

Free Snacks

We ‘ve always given our birds free breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but in case our blend of soybean meal, corn meal, hormones and antibiotics doesn ‘t scratch that special craving, we ‘re now offering our chickens a bunch of dumb, weird snacks! The seaweed sticks seem to be gumming up the words for a lot of birds, but we can tell from the sound of their shrill cries and the look in their cold dead eyes that they appreciate the extra munchies.

Great Severance Packages

That ‘s a slaughter joke, folks! Just trying to have a little fun!

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