27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #41

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

‘ Nicholas Gurewitch (@PerryFellow) June 25, 2016

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I was just told “everyone at work thinks you're arrogant” but it didn't upset me because I work with a bunch of morons.

‘ eric (@ericsshadow) June 29, 2016

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Wow, they just bunched them all onto one star. pic.twitter.com/REFOF3t8es

‘ Daniel Spenser (@DanSpenser) June 28, 2016

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Sorry I'm late. I got here too early & sat in my car too long.

‘ Erica (@SCbchbum) June 25, 2016

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this guys name is constantly owning him pic.twitter.com/b3oBn2Pfwf

‘ adam crouch (tall rich gamer) (@TheHoshuah) June 24, 2016

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A Food Network show where I drive around the U.S. going to roadside diners to see how much tap water I can drink before they ask me to leave

‘ Shane (@Shanehasabeard) June 28, 2016

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Currently very jealous of alligators as I want to be a big fuckin lizard who just sits still all the time but people are scared of me.

‘ jess (@jessokfine) June 28, 2016

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This could be bus but you plane pic.twitter.com/83dpTA5WD0

‘ Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) February 25, 2015

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I don't have as many fireworks left as I used two

‘ Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) June 25, 2016

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My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

‘ Mattzilla ‘? (@mattZillaaaa) December 13, 2015

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Crystal Pepsi's what my dad went out for 23 years ago!! This is awesome news!!

‘ Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) June 29, 2016

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I may not be the prettiest or the smartest, but I’m also sad as shit and have zero confidence

‘ kelly jean (@kjmeow) June 30, 2016

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[1st date]

WAITER: Here are your menus

“Just one menu, I'll order for both of us”

HER: That's really sexist

“Oh sorry, just one womenu”

‘ Terry F (@daemonic3) June 28, 2016

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I'm pretty sure these Trump spokesmen are all just Trump in Nutty Professor makeup. pic.twitter.com/ihxzPvVaLZ

‘ Brendan McDonald (@ProducerMcD) June 30, 2016

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[at the dolphin store]
Yeah I'll take that weird looking shark with the asshole on top of its head.

‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 25, 2016

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Social status update: just did the “get a load of this guy” gesture to my cat about my dog

‘ bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) June 20, 2016

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Top 5 high school classes, 2024
Advanced emoji
Anti-social studies
Google maps
Selfieography
Gym (jk, gym is for nerds)
Internet drama

‘ Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) June 29, 2016

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In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.

‘ jj hartinger (@jjhartinger) June 13, 2016

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every mistake is a chance to imporve

‘ rachel axler (@rachelaxler) June 28, 2016

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Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she's a police horse, who cares

‘ Michael (@Home_Halfway) June 23, 2016

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Madison Square Garden sounds like it could be the name of a millennial's daughter.

‘ The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 30, 2016

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Ugh. Worst Wozniak-Jobs biopic yet pic.twitter.com/JxbW6Vw2oz

‘ Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) June 30, 2016

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I hate it when you're in a public bathroom and the automatic toilet flushes before you are finished crying

‘ niteynite (@hoedeehoe) June 25, 2016

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Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There ‘s a lovely key change at the end.

‘ M?se Allain (@MooseAllain) May 19, 2016

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How am I going to explain to my son that he can't be a Ghostbuster when he grows up now?

‘ Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) June 30, 2016

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they say if you swallow gum it stays inside your intentines for 7 years, making you feel safe, loved, whole again

‘ bez (@Bez) June 30, 2016

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my tombstone pic.twitter.com/mpuUFJzugq

‘ I hope Stephen Sondheim is having a good day (@GraceSpelman) June 30, 2016