By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets are growing up so fast.
man it seems as if all my friends are either getting married, having kids, or are my third friend blake
‘ rob whisman (@robwhisman) July 1, 2016
The FBI keeps a watch list of people who pronounce mature “mah ‘TOOR.”
‘ Kristin (@FeralCrone) June 30, 2016
One thing I admire about toddlers is that careful moment of deliberation before they decide the size of the tantrum they're about to unleash
‘ Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 7, 2016
If Law and Order borrows from real-life headlines they're gonna have one repetitive season coming up.
‘ Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 7, 2016
COACH: get on base & steal second
NIC CAGE: get on base & steal the declaration of independence ‘got it
COACH: what pic.twitter.com/EQv3Pm0hOm
‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) July 2, 2016
I got kicked off Masterchef Season 3 when my wig blew off and everyone saw my chef’s hat underneath
‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) July 3, 2016
Date: I love traveling
Me: [trying to think of something to impress her] That is my favorite basketball rule violation
‘ james nielssen (@jamesnielssen) July 8, 2016
People don't talk about the anti-oatmeal bias in the Sopranos pic.twitter.com/ti3P45Bexf
‘ Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) July 6, 2016
Glaring scientific inaccuracy in MEN IN BLACK: Will Smith says he “make(s) this look good” but Tommy Lee Jones looks good as well
‘ DC Pierson (@DCpierson) July 6, 2016
Pro tip: if u ever text something weird to ur gf, just say “sorry wrong person” & she'll let it go. Works every time pic.twitter.com/wgFAEFn3fA
‘ Drew Gooden (@drewisgooden) July 1, 2016
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i'll prob change a few times a day so thats ’32 shirts
‘ jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 5, 2016
RIP theater designer who died in the middle of dictating this sign pic.twitter.com/XzNGLtSsyD
‘ Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 8, 2016
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
‘ spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) July 5, 2016
If your aunt gives you a Jeff Foxworthy book because you “like funny things,” you might be a me.
‘ Mike Peters (@mijamtweets) July 1, 2016
Movies:”Of course I recognize you, in 2009 we exchanged a glance”
Real life:”apparently that chatty old lady in the elevator was my grandma”
‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) July 4, 2016
Be sure to google your dad's name juuust to make sure there's not a video of him crying on Maury because he just found out you were his kid.
‘ R ‘b Fee (@robfee) July 2, 2016
My neighbor is still lighting fireworks. I hope they burn down his Christmas decorations.
‘ Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) July 6, 2016
i don ‘t get this Margot Robbie profile at all. pic.twitter.com/gDc886RxVz
‘ Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) July 6, 2016
a lot of people meditate for an hour a day but i meditated once for like 8 minutes and pretty much finished it no problem
‘ derek (@eedrk) June 28, 2016
It's been a rough week but I recently saw a truck that looked happy to have its job and that's nice. pic.twitter.com/JFff3PHoTP
‘ Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) July 8, 2016
Imagine Goosebumps titles these days:
'Swipe right ‘AND DIE!'
'the Unretractable Heelyz'
'Walk on a Crack ‘ Vape your mother's Snapchat'
‘ ??????? (@egg_dog) July 6, 2016
Welcome to my BBQ. No, we're not grilling anything. Grab a Soylent and enjoy the anime babes on the napkins. Now, let's talk about vaccines.
‘ Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) July 4, 2016
“Let us out or I swear we'll jump through this goddamn glass.” pic.twitter.com/McBiiDo47G
‘ Brian Stack (@BrianStack153) July 8, 2016
The only thing that makes me smile anymore is thinking about how Trump is really just Francis from Pee Wee's Big Adventure.
‘ Dan Telfer (@dantelfer) July 8, 2016
– Don't get in strangers' cars
– Don't meet ppl from internet
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
‘ Carol Nichols (@Carols10cents) July 2, 2016