27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #42

man it seems as if all my friends are either getting married, having kids, or are my third friend blake

‘ rob whisman (@robwhisman) July 1, 2016

The FBI keeps a watch list of people who pronounce mature “mah ‘TOOR.”

‘ Kristin (@FeralCrone) June 30, 2016

One thing I admire about toddlers is that careful moment of deliberation before they decide the size of the tantrum they're about to unleash

‘ Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 7, 2016

If Law and Order borrows from real-life headlines they're gonna have one repetitive season coming up.

‘ Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 7, 2016

COACH: get on base & steal second
NIC CAGE: get on base & steal the declaration of independence ‘got it
COACH: what pic.twitter.com/EQv3Pm0hOm

‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) July 2, 2016

Date: I love traveling

Me: [trying to think of something to impress her] That is my favorite basketball rule violation

‘ james nielssen (@jamesnielssen) July 8, 2016

People don't talk about the anti-oatmeal bias in the Sopranos pic.twitter.com/ti3P45Bexf

‘ Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) July 6, 2016

Glaring scientific inaccuracy in MEN IN BLACK: Will Smith says he “make(s) this look good” but Tommy Lee Jones looks good as well

‘ DC Pierson (@DCpierson) July 6, 2016

Pro tip: if u ever text something weird to ur gf, just say “sorry wrong person” & she'll let it go. Works every time pic.twitter.com/wgFAEFn3fA

‘ Drew Gooden (@drewisgooden) July 1, 2016

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i'll prob change a few times a day so thats ’32 shirts

‘ jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 5, 2016

RIP theater designer who died in the middle of dictating this sign pic.twitter.com/XzNGLtSsyD

‘ Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 8, 2016

If your aunt gives you a Jeff Foxworthy book because you “like funny things,” you might be a me.

‘ Mike Peters (@mijamtweets) July 1, 2016

Movies:”Of course I recognize you, in 2009 we exchanged a glance”
Real life:”apparently that chatty old lady in the elevator was my grandma”

‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) July 4, 2016

Be sure to google your dad's name juuust to make sure there's not a video of him crying on Maury because he just found out you were his kid.

‘ R ‘b Fee (@robfee) July 2, 2016

My neighbor is still lighting fireworks. I hope they burn down his Christmas decorations.

‘ Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) July 6, 2016

i don ‘t get this Margot Robbie profile at all. pic.twitter.com/gDc886RxVz

‘ Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) July 6, 2016

a lot of people meditate for an hour a day but i meditated once for like 8 minutes and pretty much finished it no problem

‘ derek (@eedrk) June 28, 2016

It's been a rough week but I recently saw a truck that looked happy to have its job and that's nice. pic.twitter.com/JFff3PHoTP

‘ Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) July 8, 2016

Imagine Goosebumps titles these days:

'Swipe right ‘AND DIE!'
'the Unretractable Heelyz'
'Walk on a Crack ‘ Vape your mother's Snapchat'

‘ ??????? (@egg_dog) July 6, 2016

Welcome to my BBQ. No, we're not grilling anything. Grab a Soylent and enjoy the anime babes on the napkins. Now, let's talk about vaccines.

‘ Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) July 4, 2016

“Let us out or I swear we'll jump through this goddamn glass.” pic.twitter.com/McBiiDo47G

‘ Brian Stack (@BrianStack153) July 8, 2016

He looks pissed. pic.twitter.com/noJgLVlo7Y

‘ Jeff Ross (@realjeffreyross) July 8, 2016

The only thing that makes me smile anymore is thinking about how Trump is really just Francis from Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

‘ Dan Telfer (@dantelfer) July 8, 2016

1998:
– Don't get in strangers' cars
– Don't meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

‘ Carol Nichols (@Carols10cents) July 2, 2016

Tbt to Halloween when I dressed as the babadook but my friend's house had more of a grown ups drinking wine vibe pic.twitter.com/PoGKUFeLLw

‘ Katie Dippold (@katiedippold) June 30, 2016