By: Jason Flowers
27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #43
This week ‘s tweets will at least make you feel SOMETHING.
I like to sit on my hand until it goes numb so it feels like someone else is liking my Instagram photos
‘ Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) July 12, 2016
Hollywood was 100% gonna remake Ghostbusters, would you really prefer Zac Efron & Jonah Hill going “fuckin Slimer got green cum on me bro”
‘ Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) July 10, 2016
Fuck an EGOT, I want a PENIS
(Pulitzer prize, Emmy, NAACP Image Award, Independent Spirit Award, & Stanley Cup)
‘ joe mande (@JoeMande) July 15, 2016
HRC: I've just caught a Charmander, & he's going to help me “fire” up the economy
TRUMP: I would own slaves if it were legal
‘ Communist Bean Account (@McLeemz) July 14, 2016
I've seen Bruce Wayne's parents die in a movie more times than I've seen my parents kiss.
‘ Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) March 29, 2016
So glad Netflix has dozens of British TV dramas available because I'm a big fan of all eleven UK actors.
‘ Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) July 14, 2016
This woman on my train looked thrilled to be taking this call. pic.twitter.com/1w8zvQZPs7
‘ Gareth Dimelow (@gdimelow) July 13, 2016
I love how The Beatles are called “the most successful band in modern history” like they can't quite top that band from ancient history.
‘ n vixv (@novixv) April 9, 2016
My resume is just a picture of me crying because I have no money
‘ Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) July 12, 2016
The inventor of the yo-yo has passed away. Repeated attempts to lower his casket aren't working. Plz send help it just keeps rolling back up
‘ ibid (@ibid78) July 10, 2016
Trump's former show, the APPRENTICE, is an anagram of I TRAP PENCE.
‘ Chris Miller (@chrizmillr) July 14, 2016
Figured out a way to save the franchise: pic.twitter.com/U6uTF4v49Y
‘ Josh Riley Brown (@JoshRileyBrown) July 15, 2016
There isn't a single scene from Dirty Dancing that I haven't reenacted with a taco.
‘ Irrationally Calm (@dire_beard) May 6, 2016
‘Tim, we ‘re doing the MVP photoshoot tomorrow. Please dress up. ‘
‘No problem.” pic.twitter.com/A9LZPApDY4
‘ Zach Harper (@talkhoops) July 11, 2016
[God making trees]
God: “They’re alive but not. Every now & then they drop food.”
Angel: “I don’t–“
God: “Also they breathe the opposite.”
‘ Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) July 14, 2016
I hate myself but in the fun way where I still take selfies
‘ Drew Monson (@mytoecold) June 28, 2016
All Lives Matter feels like a stranger showing up at someone's funeral & going “Hey guys, it's actually my birthday today, so could we not?”
‘ Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 9, 2016
“You can't put saltwater on your food!”
“What if it's brown?”
– the story of soy sauce
‘ Eric Cunningham (@EricCunningham) July 14, 2016
She died doing what she hated, pretty much anything.
‘ Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) July 13, 2016
I don’t mind talking to my exes as long as it’s through a Ouija board
‘ victoria (@theblowout) July 12, 2016
Therapist: let's look at why you feel like such a big dumb loser
Me: I didn't say that
Therapist [looks at notes]: well one of us did
‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) July 9, 2016
Yup, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got into this mess. Well, pic.twitter.com/mqu6En1B5R
‘ Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) July 10, 2016
I bought an adult coloring book, but it's just a big circle on every page that you fill in with black to symbolize your insurmountable debt
‘ Chimney Spotter (@chimneyspotter) July 5, 2016
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person's duck
‘ Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) July 11, 2016
Me, approving of something in a work email: “Ok perfect!”
Me, disapproving of something in a work email: “Ok, sounds good!”
‘ Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) July 8, 2016
One time I burped and it sounded like “babadook” and I couldn’t sleep for 3 days because I was convinced he was coming to get me
‘ Christine Sydelko (@csydelko) July 11, 2016
feels like we could save a lot of lives by getting rid of deathbeds if u ask me
‘ chuuch (@ch000ch) July 14, 2016
“The Social Network” Trailer
Between Two Ferns starring Zach Galifianakis and friends.
Look Inside: This is 40
Writer/director/producer Judd Apatow (The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Funny People) brings audiences This Is 40, an original comedy that expands upon the story of Pete (Paul Rudd) and Debbie (Leslie Mann) from the blockbuster hit Knocked Up as we see first-hand how they are dealing with their current state of life.
“Everything Must Go” Trailer
Trailer for “Everything Must Go”
The Time Zack Morris Committed International Kidnapping To Fix A Chess Game
Zack Morris Is Trash: Season 4 Episode 2
10 Easy Ways To Get Jay-Z’s New Album
Jay-Z’s “Magna Carta Holy Grail” comes out July 4th ‘sort of. Here’s ten simple ways to hear Hov’s latest masterpiece before anyone else.