27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #43

I like to sit on my hand until it goes numb so it feels like someone else is liking my Instagram photos

‘ Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) July 12, 2016

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Hollywood was 100% gonna remake Ghostbusters, would you really prefer Zac Efron & Jonah Hill going “fuckin Slimer got green cum on me bro”

‘ Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) July 10, 2016

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Fuck an EGOT, I want a PENIS

(Pulitzer prize, Emmy, NAACP Image Award, Independent Spirit Award, & Stanley Cup)

‘ joe mande (@JoeMande) July 15, 2016

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HRC: I've just caught a Charmander, & he's going to help me “fire” up the economy
TRUMP: I would own slaves if it were legal

‘ Communist Bean Account (@McLeemz) July 14, 2016

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I've seen Bruce Wayne's parents die in a movie more times than I've seen my parents kiss.

‘ Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) March 29, 2016

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So glad Netflix has dozens of British TV dramas available because I'm a big fan of all eleven UK actors.

‘ Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) July 14, 2016

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This woman on my train looked thrilled to be taking this call. pic.twitter.com/1w8zvQZPs7

‘ Gareth Dimelow (@gdimelow) July 13, 2016

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I love how The Beatles are called “the most successful band in modern history” like they can't quite top that band from ancient history.

‘ n vixv (@novixv) April 9, 2016

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My resume is just a picture of me crying because I have no money

‘ Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) July 12, 2016

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The inventor of the yo-yo has passed away. Repeated attempts to lower his casket aren't working. Plz send help it just keeps rolling back up

‘ ibid (@ibid78) July 10, 2016

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Trump's former show, the APPRENTICE, is an anagram of I TRAP PENCE.

‘ Chris Miller (@chrizmillr) July 14, 2016

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Figured out a way to save the franchise: pic.twitter.com/U6uTF4v49Y

‘ Josh Riley Brown (@JoshRileyBrown) July 15, 2016

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There isn't a single scene from Dirty Dancing that I haven't reenacted with a taco.

‘ Irrationally Calm (@dire_beard) May 6, 2016

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‘Tim, we ‘re doing the MVP photoshoot tomorrow. Please dress up. ‘
‘No problem.” pic.twitter.com/A9LZPApDY4

‘ Zach Harper (@talkhoops) July 11, 2016

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[God making trees]
God: “They’re alive but not. Every now & then they drop food.”
Angel: “I don’t–“
God: “Also they breathe the opposite.”

‘ Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) July 14, 2016

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I hate myself but in the fun way where I still take selfies

‘ Drew Monson (@mytoecold) June 28, 2016

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All Lives Matter feels like a stranger showing up at someone's funeral & going “Hey guys, it's actually my birthday today, so could we not?”

‘ Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 9, 2016

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“You can't put saltwater on your food!”
“What if it's brown?”
“Whatever, fine.”
– the story of soy sauce

‘ Eric Cunningham (@EricCunningham) July 14, 2016

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She died doing what she hated, pretty much anything.

‘ Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) July 13, 2016

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I don’t mind talking to my exes as long as it’s through a Ouija board

‘ victoria (@theblowout) July 12, 2016

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Therapist: let's look at why you feel like such a big dumb loser
Me: I didn't say that
Therapist [looks at notes]: well one of us did

‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) July 9, 2016

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*record scratch*
*freeze frame*
Yup, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got into this mess. Well, pic.twitter.com/mqu6En1B5R

‘ Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) July 10, 2016

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I bought an adult coloring book, but it's just a big circle on every page that you fill in with black to symbolize your insurmountable debt

‘ Chimney Spotter (@chimneyspotter) July 5, 2016

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I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person's duck

‘ Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) July 11, 2016

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Me, approving of something in a work email: “Ok perfect!”
Me, disapproving of something in a work email: “Ok, sounds good!”

‘ Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) July 8, 2016

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One time I burped and it sounded like “babadook” and I couldn’t sleep for 3 days because I was convinced he was coming to get me

‘ Christine Sydelko (@csydelko) July 11, 2016

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feels like we could save a lot of lives by getting rid of deathbeds if u ask me

‘ chuuch (@ch000ch) July 14, 2016