By: Ben Wietmarschen
Comedian Leslie Jones recently left Twitter after calling attention to the near constant abuse she encountered while using the site. She is not alone, as the company has come under fire recently for the steady amount of abuse many users experience.
Twitter released a statement with new regulations to stop behavior on the site that they never imagined they ‘d have to address directly.
To: All Twitter Users
From: Twitter H.Q.
The following are changes and addenda to the terms and conditions for use of Twitter.com.
-Photos classified as ‘Dick pics ‘ ‘Twat Shots ‘ and/or ‘Buttcheek Leaks ‘ will be removed immediately.
-Twitter believes in honoring your First Amendment right to free speech. There are no words or phrases that users are not allowed to use. Except ‘dirty wet butthole muncher”
-Tweeting ‘U r A TwAt ‘ @ another user will immediately autocorrect to ‘Plz call my mommy. ‘
-Tweeting ‘Get AIDS ‘ @ another user will immediately autocorrect to taking $100 out of your PayPal account and destroying the money.
-Tweeting ‘you ‘re a silly goose ‘ @ another user is allowed (and encouraged!).
-Users tweeting ‘@ ‘ celebrities without insulting them and not requesting any special attention are entitled to a signed 8 and ‘ x 11 autographed glossy headshot.
-Any pornographic images sent in Direct Message form will result in a one week suspension for the user and will only be reinstated when they write on the board one hundred times ‘I ‘m a bad boy who sucks on a itty bitty baby binky. ‘
-Users can create satirical accounts for celebrities only if they are clean or really really really dirty.
-If you reply to tweeted criticism of something you posted by tweeting ‘What ever happened to the First Amendment? ‘ you lose all your Constitutional rights and get arrested and go to jail.
-If you ask any other user for a ‘follow back, ‘ a ‘RT for my birthday, ‘ or for another user to ‘NOTICE ME PLZ!!!!!!!!! ‘ you are legally required to provide that user a sandwich.
-All RT ‘s of Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, or frustrated manboys upset that the Ghostbusters are women now, count as endorsements.
-Verified users will lose their verified status for retweeting compliments.
Unverified users retweeting compliments will be ignored, as usual.
-The following ‘joke formulas ‘ will get you flagged*:
‘ ‘That thing when you ‘”
‘yeah, I ‘m an adult. ‘
‘ ‘Dear [offending party], please don ‘t [do something offensive] ‘
‘ ‘Just [Celebrity/Athlete] doing [a thing that this celebrity/athlete is known for doing] ‘
‘My favorite part of [pop culture event] was when [something that would never happen in that pop culture event]
*Flagged = Noticed by top industry executives
-For every Woman you refer to as a ‘bitch ‘ you must refer to ten Men as a ‘dick ‘ or your account will be suspended until you apologize to a female schoolteacher you liked from childhood.
-During a popular cultural event in progress, you will be required to scroll through the last 20 tweets before tweeting your topical joke. If you repeat someone else ‘s joke, they get to whip you with a belt.
-All profiles that proclaim the user is ‘Christian ‘ will be required to strictly abide by the teachings in the Sermon On The Mount.
-Telling people you want to rape them is protected but, it ‘s like, come on, talk about having absolutely found the bottom ‘