Leaked Memo For DNC Speakers

WikiLeaks just released a trove of emails from the Democratic National Committee implicating several high-ranking members, including Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, in colluding to bolster Clinton ‘s campaign. Below, yet another leaked DNC document.

TO: DNC SpeakersFROM: The Democratic National Committee

Hey DNC Delegates!

First, let me say y ‘all: we are SO excited to for this convention to kick off. Can anyone say “one week of non-stop cheesesteaks? ‘ Second, did you notice how I said y ‘all just then? That ‘s the kind of folksy relatability we want to convey this week. It ‘s our time to show the world that Democrats love down-home Americana just like everyone else ‘but with fewer abortion laws. And more gun control. And (LOL just between us gals) more weed.

We just request you keep in mind one teeny tiny almost insignificant thing: please don ‘t mention those DNC emails. Got it? Fantastic, let ‘s move on.

We want to start out the Clinton / Kaine campaign STRONG ‘and admittedly, that ‘s an extremely difficult task given the amount of animosity for our presidential candidate, our vice presidential candidate, and the entire party apparatus. So, heh, you know ‘don ‘t mention those emails. Please. We just need them to ‘go away. You know, not in a malicious way. Just in the normal way hacked documents go away. Wink wink.

There ‘s a lot of important messaging we need to convey ‘our love of minorities, our love of gays, our hatred of guns (except for “safe, normal ‘ guns) ‘all while trying to maintain an image of strength and party unity. We want voters to know that we all believe in the same basic principles, and that those principles are very much worth fighting for. All Democrats are on the same side. So please do not mention the emails that say all Democrats are not on the same side.

Look you guys can talk about texts, you can talk about tweets, you can talk about snaps, you can talk about goddamn GroupMes all you fucking want. Just please, please, please don ‘t talk about the emails. Because they are bad. Remember when Bernie said he was sick of hearing about Hillary ‘s emails? Well, same thing, except this is about the new Democrat email scandal. Okay? Cool.

Thanks and remember to take your giftbaskets when you ‘re done speaking. There ‘s some good stuff in there (cheeva, abortion giftcards, love letters from Joe Biden).

(Oh, and kinda goes without saying but one final request: please don ‘t leak this? Thank you!)