By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets will leave you still feeling hungry.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it's still “Lisa, you've been banned from this Wendy's”.
‘ Lisa Marie ?? (@xLiserx) July 26, 2016
Date: Why do you have all these Subway sandwiches in your apartment?
Me: I figure when the sandwich artist dies, they'll be worth a fortune.
‘ Lord P (friendly *neigh*borhood pony) (@HiddenPinky) July 28, 2016
Before they invented sliced bread you just had to make a sandwich with two whole breads
‘ skateboarding ‘s ANthony Hawk (@hippieswordfish) July 28, 2016
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free ‘
Anakin: why'd u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
‘ GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) July 25, 2016
Apple's movie trailer page is a real “Wall of posters in a Seinfeld episode where they go to the movies” right now. pic.twitter.com/TFX5WHxKkq
‘ Dave Horwitz (@Dave_Horwitz) July 27, 2016
We need to make shooting just one person cool again.
‘ George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) July 28, 2016
men HATE it when the rabbit theyre hunting dresses up as a beautiful woman and seduces them
‘ ‘big content’ (@PREMlUMCONTENT) July 28, 2016
MY AUNT IN REAL LIFE: would you like an ice cream?
MY AUNT ON FACEBOOK: here is five quite racist memes
‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) July 27, 2016
Save 4,000 calories by going to bed at 7pm.
‘ That Carly Girl (@thatcarlygirl) June 16, 2016
THE YEAR 1952
eisenhower: this is my dwight song
eisenhower: my i like ike song
‘ Ariel Edwards-Levy (@aedwardslevy) July 29, 2016
I hope Hillary being president opens the door for more US presidents to have sex with each other.
‘ Chris Schleicher (@cschleichsrun) July 29, 2016
debbie wasserman schultz can use the time off to focus on her true passion: asking a waiter not working in her section for cleaner utensils.
‘ josh androsky (@ShutUpAndrosky) July 24, 2016
It's obvious email isn't secure. The only truly private communication is stuff you say towards the end of a very long podcast.
‘ Cat Powerman 5000 ‘ (@TimDuffy) July 27, 2016
Imagine Donald Trump saying, “today's episode is brought to you by Squarespace.”
‘ Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) July 24, 2016
Bought a Gillette razor. Keep trying, podcasts.
‘ Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) July 28, 2016
Breast feeding in public is less horrifying than drinking actual milk in public.
‘ Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) July 25, 2016
“When there was 1 set of footprints, that's when I was carrying u”
“What about when there were 3?”
“Oh my dude Reggie was hangin for a bit”
‘ Eli Yudin (@eliyudin) July 25, 2016
Please, call me “Cheesecake;” “Mr Factory” is my dad's name.
‘ Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) July 14, 2016
It annoys me that in “Forgot About Dre,” Eminem only spends 4 lines celebrating Dre, & then the rest of his bit recounting a tale of arson
‘ Patio Haver (@pharmasean) July 22, 2016
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
‘ Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 23, 2016
Nintendo: Do you like games?
Nintendo: Walking around?
Me: Not really
Nintendo: Trading rats for candy?
Me: Are you drunk
‘ JP Lovecraft (@online_shawn) July 22, 2016
Tom Hanks' mom in the movie “Big” experienced everything that happens to Winona Ryder's character in Stranger Things, only we don't see it.
‘ Kristen Bartlett (@kristencheeks) July 24, 2016
Every time someone dies it means God didn't want to fuck or marry them 🙁
‘ Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) July 28, 2016
Look, the important question isn't why did I put Trump's head on Skeletor's body, it's why would I not? pic.twitter.com/U65CH9gsOx
‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) July 28, 2016
please do not throw your cigarette butts on the ground, squirrels have been known to pick them up and look super fucken cool
‘ ????s (@ChrisScarlette) July 24, 2016
All the wrong people hate themselves.
‘ Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 24, 2016
Four Internet challenges in one minute. Impossible, you say? Well, Daniel Tosh doesn’t even know what that word means. Tosh.0 premieres Thurs June 4th at 10/9c on Comedy Central!
Give em’ what they want…a second chance. Written and Directed by: Corey Scott Rutledge Starring: Bristol Pomeroy, Grant Lancaster, Jae Laroya, Corey Scott Rutledge
Here’s where it all started, with Jennifer Saunders as a flighty, fashion-obsessed mum, and Dawn French as her sensible offspring.