27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #45

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it's still “Lisa, you've been banned from this Wendy's”.

‘ Lisa Marie ?? (@xLiserx) July 26, 2016

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Date: Why do you have all these Subway sandwiches in your apartment?
Me: I figure when the sandwich artist dies, they'll be worth a fortune.

‘ Lord P (friendly *neigh*borhood pony) (@HiddenPinky) July 28, 2016

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Before they invented sliced bread you just had to make a sandwich with two whole breads

‘ skateboarding ‘s ANthony Hawk (@hippieswordfish) July 28, 2016

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Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free ‘
Anakin: why'd u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

‘ GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) July 25, 2016

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Apple's movie trailer page is a real “Wall of posters in a Seinfeld episode where they go to the movies” right now. pic.twitter.com/TFX5WHxKkq

‘ Dave Horwitz (@Dave_Horwitz) July 27, 2016

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We need to make shooting just one person cool again.

‘ George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) July 28, 2016

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men HATE it when the rabbit theyre hunting dresses up as a beautiful woman and seduces them

‘ ‘big content’ (@PREMlUMCONTENT) July 28, 2016

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MY AUNT IN REAL LIFE: would you like an ice cream?
MY AUNT ON FACEBOOK: here is five quite racist memes

‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) July 27, 2016

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Save 4,000 calories by going to bed at 7pm.

‘ That Carly Girl (@thatcarlygirl) June 16, 2016

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Look at this MF’s watch. pic.twitter.com/1yIwmSU0SB

‘ Laura (@LadyLardman) July 28, 2016

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THE YEAR 1952
eisenhower: this is my dwight song
nixon: no
eisenhower: my i like ike song

‘ Ariel Edwards-Levy (@aedwardslevy) July 29, 2016

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I hope Hillary being president opens the door for more US presidents to have sex with each other.

‘ Chris Schleicher (@cschleichsrun) July 29, 2016

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debbie wasserman schultz can use the time off to focus on her true passion: asking a waiter not working in her section for cleaner utensils.

‘ josh androsky (@ShutUpAndrosky) July 24, 2016

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It's obvious email isn't secure. The only truly private communication is stuff you say towards the end of a very long podcast.

‘ Cat Powerman 5000 ‘ (@TimDuffy) July 27, 2016