27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #46

If an email begins with “FWD: FWD: FWD:”, the ideas in it are probably backward backward backward.

‘ Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) August 4, 2016

---

Pitch: the movie Groundhog's Day but for the eve of Election Day 2016. It's a horror movie.

‘ c e l e s t e (@celesteballard) August 5, 2016

---

I'm surprised the Trump slogan isn't “Let's Beat A Woman”

‘ Megan Amram (@meganamram) August 2, 2016

---

I feel like we're a week away from Trump pissing into the 9/11 reflecting pools.

‘ Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) August 3, 2016

---

EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

‘ rob elliott (@rockymomax) July 31, 2016

---

Dung Beetle *arduously pushing a huge ball of shit up the hill*

GOP: Lol same.

‘ spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) August 4, 2016

---

The red hot chili peppers will vote for anyone that lets them marry the state of california

‘ Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) July 29, 2016

---

[on a date with winona ryder]
HER: who's your favourite actress
ME: *reading off hand* winonda rhonda

‘ the high class soap boy (@trojansauce) August 4, 2016

---

Many years ago, in a tavern near hell, the worst people in the world all got together and invented work.

‘ Doth (@DothTheDoth) August 1, 2016

---

the worst part about drums is that if you are angry at them you can't hit them because that's what they want

‘ skateboarding ‘s ANthony Hawk (@hippieswordfish) August 3, 2016

---

in the future I hope all music is just remixes of Fast Car by Tracy Chapman

‘ Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) August 5, 2016

---

I don't trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say 'press', but if you press those badges they just fall over all surprised..

‘ Milton Jones (@themiltonjones) July 9, 2016

---

Back in my day when we found a Pok ‘mon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

‘ Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 30, 2016

---

The guy in the bathroom with me is having trouble getting his pee started because he thinks I'm listening. He's right. I'm listening

‘ Gary ‘s Posts (@MichaelSmartGuy) July 26, 2016

---

Can't believe this, and honestly, I'm still processing it, but my political views don't align with a couple who share a Facebook account

‘ Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 31, 2016

---

wow huge congrats to toilet pic.twitter.com/nHIpiHBd3i

‘ becca t (@beccaandthebox) July 22, 2016

---

Sorry I'm late I am unfettered by the constraints of time

‘ Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) August 3, 2016

---

We need a gay news anchor who begins every broadcast with “Here's the drama I'm living for.”

‘ Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) July 31, 2016

---

I saw two guys comparing their six packs at the gym today & immediately left on my stationary bike

‘ Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 1, 2016

---

Paid $5000 extra so that my TV is always thanking me pic.twitter.com/v67vVsPQzw

‘ Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) July 30, 2016

---

Don't cry because it's over, smile because a man told you to.

‘ Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) August 1, 2016

---

I like Stranger Things, but if it's set in 1983 it is INSANE that none of the characters have brought up Billy Joel's An Innocent Man.

‘ Dru Johnston (@drujohnston) August 4, 2016

---

Tim Tebow: taking a knee & bowing is called tebowing
Arnold Palmer: an Arnold Palmer is a refreshing drink
Lou Gehrig: this is such bullshit

‘ Ceej (@ceejoyner) August 5, 2016

---

*drinking gallons of pineapple juice to make my cum taste better*
Sure hope any random sock in my room appreciates this

‘ Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) August 2, 2016

---

LMFAOOO pic.twitter.com/8i6xG3hswS

‘ ???Andrew ??? (@jasonnmomoa) August 3, 2016

---

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I'm being robbed. Guys I'm being rob

‘ Sean (@seandunn76) July 14, 2016