By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets are coming at you from all directions.
If an email begins with “FWD: FWD: FWD:”, the ideas in it are probably backward backward backward.
‘ Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) August 4, 2016
Pitch: the movie Groundhog's Day but for the eve of Election Day 2016. It's a horror movie.
‘ c e l e s t e (@celesteballard) August 5, 2016
I'm surprised the Trump slogan isn't “Let's Beat A Woman”
‘ Megan Amram (@meganamram) August 2, 2016
I feel like we're a week away from Trump pissing into the 9/11 reflecting pools.
‘ Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) August 3, 2016
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
E: dammit Stephen
‘ rob elliott (@rockymomax) July 31, 2016
Dung Beetle *arduously pushing a huge ball of shit up the hill*
GOP: Lol same.
‘ spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) August 4, 2016
The red hot chili peppers will vote for anyone that lets them marry the state of california
‘ Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) July 29, 2016
[on a date with winona ryder]
HER: who's your favourite actress
ME: *reading off hand* winonda rhonda
‘ the high class soap boy (@trojansauce) August 4, 2016
Many years ago, in a tavern near hell, the worst people in the world all got together and invented work.
‘ Doth (@DothTheDoth) August 1, 2016
the worst part about drums is that if you are angry at them you can't hit them because that's what they want
‘ skateboarding ‘s ANthony Hawk (@hippieswordfish) August 3, 2016
in the future I hope all music is just remixes of Fast Car by Tracy Chapman
‘ Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) August 5, 2016
I don't trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say 'press', but if you press those badges they just fall over all surprised..
‘ Milton Jones (@themiltonjones) July 9, 2016
Back in my day when we found a Pok ‘mon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
‘ Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 30, 2016
The guy in the bathroom with me is having trouble getting his pee started because he thinks I'm listening. He's right. I'm listening
‘ Gary ‘s Posts (@MichaelSmartGuy) July 26, 2016
Can't believe this, and honestly, I'm still processing it, but my political views don't align with a couple who share a Facebook account
‘ Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 31, 2016
wow huge congrats to toilet pic.twitter.com/nHIpiHBd3i
‘ becca t (@beccaandthebox) July 22, 2016
Sorry I'm late I am unfettered by the constraints of time
‘ Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) August 3, 2016
We need a gay news anchor who begins every broadcast with “Here's the drama I'm living for.”
‘ Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) July 31, 2016
I saw two guys comparing their six packs at the gym today & immediately left on my stationary bike
‘ Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 1, 2016
Paid $5000 extra so that my TV is always thanking me pic.twitter.com/v67vVsPQzw
‘ Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) July 30, 2016
Don't cry because it's over, smile because a man told you to.
‘ Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) August 1, 2016
I like Stranger Things, but if it's set in 1983 it is INSANE that none of the characters have brought up Billy Joel's An Innocent Man.
‘ Dru Johnston (@drujohnston) August 4, 2016
Tim Tebow: taking a knee & bowing is called tebowing
Arnold Palmer: an Arnold Palmer is a refreshing drink
Lou Gehrig: this is such bullshit
‘ Ceej (@ceejoyner) August 5, 2016
*drinking gallons of pineapple juice to make my cum taste better*
Sure hope any random sock in my room appreciates this
‘ Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) August 2, 2016
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I'm being robbed. Guys I'm being rob
‘ Sean (@seandunn76) July 14, 2016