By: Jason Flowers
27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #46
This week ‘s tweets are coming at you from all directions.
If an email begins with “FWD: FWD: FWD:”, the ideas in it are probably backward backward backward.
‘ Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) August 4, 2016
Pitch: the movie Groundhog's Day but for the eve of Election Day 2016. It's a horror movie.
‘ c e l e s t e (@celesteballard) August 5, 2016
I'm surprised the Trump slogan isn't “Let's Beat A Woman”
‘ Megan Amram (@meganamram) August 2, 2016
I feel like we're a week away from Trump pissing into the 9/11 reflecting pools.
‘ Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) August 3, 2016
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
E: dammit Stephen
‘ rob elliott (@rockymomax) July 31, 2016
Dung Beetle *arduously pushing a huge ball of shit up the hill*
GOP: Lol same.
‘ spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) August 4, 2016
The red hot chili peppers will vote for anyone that lets them marry the state of california
‘ Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) July 29, 2016
[on a date with winona ryder]
HER: who's your favourite actress
ME: *reading off hand* winonda rhonda
‘ the high class soap boy (@trojansauce) August 4, 2016
Many years ago, in a tavern near hell, the worst people in the world all got together and invented work.
‘ Doth (@DothTheDoth) August 1, 2016
the worst part about drums is that if you are angry at them you can't hit them because that's what they want
‘ skateboarding ‘s ANthony Hawk (@hippieswordfish) August 3, 2016
in the future I hope all music is just remixes of Fast Car by Tracy Chapman
‘ Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) August 5, 2016
I don't trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say 'press', but if you press those badges they just fall over all surprised..
‘ Milton Jones (@themiltonjones) July 9, 2016
Back in my day when we found a Pok ‘mon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
‘ Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 30, 2016
The guy in the bathroom with me is having trouble getting his pee started because he thinks I'm listening. He's right. I'm listening
‘ Gary ‘s Posts (@MichaelSmartGuy) July 26, 2016
Can't believe this, and honestly, I'm still processing it, but my political views don't align with a couple who share a Facebook account
‘ Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 31, 2016
wow huge congrats to toilet pic.twitter.com/nHIpiHBd3i
‘ becca t (@beccaandthebox) July 22, 2016
Sorry I'm late I am unfettered by the constraints of time
‘ Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) August 3, 2016
We need a gay news anchor who begins every broadcast with “Here's the drama I'm living for.”
‘ Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) July 31, 2016
I saw two guys comparing their six packs at the gym today & immediately left on my stationary bike
‘ Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 1, 2016
Paid $5000 extra so that my TV is always thanking me pic.twitter.com/v67vVsPQzw
‘ Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) July 30, 2016
Don't cry because it's over, smile because a man told you to.
‘ Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) August 1, 2016
I like Stranger Things, but if it's set in 1983 it is INSANE that none of the characters have brought up Billy Joel's An Innocent Man.
‘ Dru Johnston (@drujohnston) August 4, 2016
Tim Tebow: taking a knee & bowing is called tebowing
Arnold Palmer: an Arnold Palmer is a refreshing drink
Lou Gehrig: this is such bullshit
‘ Ceej (@ceejoyner) August 5, 2016
*drinking gallons of pineapple juice to make my cum taste better*
Sure hope any random sock in my room appreciates this
‘ Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) August 2, 2016
‘ ???Andrew ??? (@jasonnmomoa) August 3, 2016
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I'm being robbed. Guys I'm being rob
‘ Sean (@seandunn76) July 14, 2016
Jake visits the dentist. Starring Josh Rabinowitz and Lew Gardner With Georgia Johnson as the Receptionist and Rachel Sachnoff as Bridget http://www.goodcopgreatcop.com
Ricky & Ravi (are in between jobs) – Ep. 5 “Investor”
Ricky are Ravi are blessed with a golden opportunity… but will they blow it???
Michelle Beadle, Rick Glassman, Brent Morin – Wanna Cyber? – @midnight with Chris Hardwick
Cyber Monday is here, so Michelle Beadle, Rick Glassman and Brent Morin describe the worst deals shoppers will find on the Internet. @midnight with Chris Hardwick airs weeknights at 12a/11c on Comedy Central. Watch full episodes of @midnight now: http://on.cc.com/17MOT5T
Jack McBrayer for New Jersey
Jack McBrayer of NBC’s 30 Rock wants you to visit New Jersey.
4th of July Facts They Won ‘t Teach You In School
Learn the truth about America’s birthday!
Kennigan with John O’Hurley
John O’Hurley (Seinfeld) stars as the world’s greatest master of disguise: KENNIGAN! Look around: everyone you know or trust could be… KENNIGAN!! Watch the rest of the FOD 1986 Lineup here: http://www.funnyordie.com/fod_1986